Waiting for treatment.

Had another check up. Found out why my first scan was no good. The dye in the scan showed some trace and the specialist decided to do it again in 3 months (about 2 now). This has worried me as I made the conclusion that the disease hasn’t gone and it hasn’t worked. The nurses said that this can happen when there’s still healing to do and it doesn’t mean it hasn’t worked. She restated that if the specialist thought what I said he would have had me back in and wouldn’t wait 3 months. I’m still not convinced. He checked me today and said clinically everything is good and looks fine. He said he’ll see me again in 4 weeks and probably arrange the second scan then. The SLT lady was pleased too and said my progress is very good. The nurse was happy. The specialist seemed happy. My wife was happy. Just me. I can’t convince myself that the first scan showed the treatment didn’t work and the second scan is just to confirm this and it’s Game Over. The perfect metaphor for a gamer. My wife disagrees and said that if the scan is quite early and there’s still healing to do then you can get this result which the nurse and SLT lady confirmed. Still not convinced. Wine tonight and hopefully Zopiclone and Diazepam tomorrow. God this all sucks. Sorry to moan. Any words of encouragement will be appreciated as I’m feeling pretty scared right now. Thanks for reading. Rich.

The only words of encouragement I can offer is for heavens sake believe your clinicians. Why on earth do you think they would lie? Oncologists are pretty good at being honest. Every single forum member could come on here and tell you that treatment failure is extremely rare. Would you believe them? 
You probably won’t talk to me again but drinking will imperil your recovery and risk recurrence. Don’t waste all the hard work many people have put into you. 
There is a life to live out there. It’s not about waiting to die. 

Rich,

Gave my words of encouragement yesterday. I meant every one.

We have the same clinical team. They are bloody brilliant, honest and don't mess with this. If they had any doubt you wouldn't be waiting 3 months. You've had a thorough check today and any concerns would have been acted on straight away.

Gill

Richy BelieveThe consultants they’ve been to university they know what they’re dealing with they know what they’re looking at.They deal with this on a daily basis I know where you’re coming from you’ve been anxious all the way through but please for your own state of mind and sanity trust in the team HPV cancer is a eminently curable my oncologist promised me he would cure me he did. 
It’s almost 4 years since I got the word Cancer  said to me and look at me now I’m still here along with  all the others that’s joined  since my treatment. Ok bit everyone stays in the forums they go off and live their lives. Just as you will. I haven’t heard of anyone else treatment as failed on the first attempt just like Dani says. Ok hot spots happen but invariably that’s because scans are done too early. I was 18 weeks post treatment when my scan was done. . 
If you are  like you saiddrinking again honestly Richy it will impede your recovery I can’t keep going on about it that’s enough said for me. You’ve been given a second chance don’t waste it through drinking yourself silly

Hazel 

Hi Richie,

I have been following your posts.  I agree with everyone on here.  You have been told that your scan is good, so they have not yet given you the all clear, I suppose that is what you are waiting for.  But to be honest I am two years post treatment and was told by a doctor that I would be lucky to get here without a recurrence.  However, I did not waste the time thinking about that, I am living my life, I am still here, loving life at the moment.  Don't keep thinking about whether or not  your cancer may return, enjoy the here and now mate.  My philiosophy on life changed the moment I was told I had cancer two years ago and now I am living life for me and my family and I don't let anything worry me. Do the same mate, enjoy your life, Go through your healing both physically and mentally and never give up.

Don't worry, be happy mate.

• You’re right of course and due to the fact my system is swimming with Zopiclone and Diazepam everything at the moment feels if not great at least bearable.And I’m not drinking as much. I suffer with anxiety and have done for many years. I’m on Fluoxetine which helped greatly up until my diagnosis. I’m having a medication review soon but don’t want anything too strong as I don’t want to lose my ability to drive. It took me 20 years to pass so it’s pretty important to me. I wish I had your outlook on life almost as much as I wish I didn’t have (or hopefully had) this terrible disease but I find it very difficult to put it out of my mind (impossible actually) but at least at the moment I don’t feel too bad; just tired and unsteady on my feet. I have a tendency to treat Zopiclone like Tik Taks.Today wasn’t bad as I had some burnt buttered toast which whilst hardly tasty was a least bearable. I also had no alcohol. I’m going to try to eat somethingeveryday and maybe even add some other toppings. Thanks for your reply and advice; it is appreciated, as is all the advice from the other forum users. Thanks for reading. Rich.
•  I’m wearing two pairs of glasses’cause I can’t find the ones I use for my phone, even though the screen is huge. I’ve ordered half a dozen high magnification specs off Amazon which should last about a month. Apologies for the pic but (much to my wife’s chagrin), I don’t intend to shave or get my hair cut until my all clear, either that it I’ll join a Death Metal Band. Anyway thanks again, Rich. Don’t let the picture give you nightmares. Later.

Bored can’t sleep. Here’s a picture of Neil my border collie.

Morning Rich

It is bloody tough and with your pre-existing anxiety I can only imagine how much harder.

Since lovkdown I've been using a daily app to note positives from each day to help keep me from straying into dark places. I have had bouts of depression, but always managed it through counselling.  In the couple of months after treatment I hit a very dark place as I had (like you) thought I should feel back to normal. I have lost lots of family to cancer, my mum when I was 10 and my grandma who became like a mum at 19. It has been stalking me most of my life. During diagnosis and treatment the adrenaline and drive to fight kept be going, so I slumped after it and was told one of the things I was struggling with was trauma. I guess we all go through that, treatment in the words of one of my nurses is short and brutal, but extremely effective. 

Recently I've looked back at was I was thankful for yo gain perspective. Here's last year's 

It really was the little things. I was still mostly on ensure, but it was 2nd day i had managed to swallow everything.  It took me 2 days to plant some hanging baskets, took me 2 hours this year.

Recovery is baby steps  but you look back and realise how far they have brought you. 

Here's a shot of Pip on yesterday's walk. She's slept in today so just about to head out now.

Take care. The more you eat  the more taste will come back. 3 months after treatment I had a chocolate and was elated it no longer tasted of brown lard!! 

All the best, Gill 

RichyDee said:

Apologies for the pic but (much to my wife’s chagrin), I don’t intend to shave or get my hair cut until my all clear,

You’ll look like Dusty Hill or Billy Gibbons by five  years, Richy

I meant my first all clear. If I don’t shave or have my hair cut in 5 years my wife will probably leave me. If it does all go tits up I’m planning on a one way trip to Port  Chatham in Alaska in search of Bigfoot.