Waiting for treatment.

Richy. Please talk to someone. This  must be upsetting for the rest of your family ,we’re here this is my 3 rd Christmas post treatment. I was 61 when diagnosed Dani was  68 . Please on Monday  contact your g p you need some help plus your team needs to know how you are feeling. You are doing really well just remember week 3 can be when everything starts to ramp up. As for Christmas it’s one day it will come and it will go. Put your headphones in and  ignore it if you must. 
Hazel 

Sarah said she’d refer me to someone for some extra help. I can’t get the negative thoughts out my head. I try and the evenings are best. I have a bath about 6.30 and stay there for about an hour just with white noise playing. Then this usually relaxes me enough that I can function better until bedtime which will be 8.30 to 9. I watch YouTube in bed and usually then feel better and a bit more positive. I’m going to contact my docs again next week to see what they can do. It’s the not knowing and the lack of control I hate. I refused to go on Thursday (I did go) but it felt that for a few minutes I was making the decisions. At the moment every aspect of my life seems to be controlled by someone else (I suppose it is) and occasionally you just want to imagine that you have control. I want my all clear then at least at that moment I’ll know where I am.

Hi Richy. Yes agree it’s one thing we have no control over. If you read my blog one of my first posts say I was doing the blog has it was the only thing I had a modicum of control over. I too am a control freak but in this occasion I had to let go. Try doing something similar ? Little did I know how  viral my blog would go. I’m just over 3 years I’ve had 50,000 plus views and stretch across the world from Australia to Zimbabwe. Plus I get messages saying how it’s helping people do some good has come out of it.  Maybe you try it ? Great Sarah seems to be on top  you’ve got to go to each session as missing them isn’t an option xx

hugs from me to you. 

Hi Richy....why don't you try writing a blog or a diary.....you don't have to make blogs public. They can stay your thoughts...your rants. That is something under your control. I'm a scientist with a medical background so I knew what the doctors were doing and why and that they were giving me their best shot. Why wouldn't I be cured....after all HNC patients with worse cancer than me were? But it was out of my control so I wrote a diary every day. Looking back on it I had plenty of dark days feeling sorry for myself. I still do occasionally but very rarely. 

I did turn it into a blog which was private for a long time...I had no interest sharing it with anybody. It was mine and I had control over it

Hi Richy 

Glad Sarah can help. She was amazing for me, and regularly checked on Nick when I wasn't in earshot! 

Sounds like you've got a good evening routine. The sense of not being in control is tough. But for once in my life I was happy to trust people who knew much more than me to deal with this. I tried to have some routine to my days and also got all my appointments on a Friday rather than day by day. My blog also helped. Even if you don't feel like uploading them, why not continue with your video diary for YouTube? 

Gill 

Hi Richy,

Just checking in on you. Half of chemo done now, and Friday will be quite a milestone with less days of treatment left than you have completed. That was a big one fir me mentally and emotionally. I assume radiotherapy still happening on the bank holidays? Mine did at Easter, although it was like a ghost town as no clinics, etc 

Gill 

Yeah, everything is on as normal except chemo has been moved from Tuesday to Thursday next week. Can I ask? After the treatment was finished, how did you feel? Were you happy or worried or what?

Hi Rich.

Glad everything is going OK.  

I can't say I was happy at the end of my treatment as I was feeling pretty beaten up and thankful it was all over.  I wasn't feeling particularly worried either as my consultant was always very positive.  In fact, I'm not sure I had any feelings really.  I lived hour by hour progressing to day to day as I recovered.  I tried to get some gentle exercise and fresh air every day to help raise my spirits and keep my body moving.  But then I think I kept on a fairly even keel emotionally from the time of my diagnosis, all through the treatment and  while I was recovering.    Maybe I'd just managed some kind of acceptance of the whole thing and trusted my consultant implicitly.

Nearly half way there now Rich!

Linda x 

Hi Richy,

To be honest from the first hint of what was wrong to the end of treatment I barely stopped to think. So the reality hit me in the 3 weeks after. Be prepared for about 3 tough weeks after treatment. I slept lots, took my morphine and got fresh air when I could. After that it steadily improved. 6 and then 12 weeks post treatment are key turning points for a lot of people. I felt really well before I got my PETCT result, and would have been surprised had I not been in remission. We all seem to recover at different rates. I know someone who was back at work after 6 weeks, I needed longer. 

I'm 12 months from diagnosis this week and 8 from end of treatment. I need to drink when I eat, but life is mostly normal, which I wouldn't have believed back in April. 

You'll get there!! 

Take care, Gill

In reply to the last bit, it wasn't straight away but I am happy. Very happy, I appreciate things even more now. Stuff that used to get to me washes off now.