Lost confidence!

Hi what you don’t say is your husbands age, I had the Ivor Lewis surgery 14 yrs ago I play bowls competitively 7 days a week and that’s very tiring, I hate going out for meals and seeing people eating 3courses and I only get a starter not much fun beer not much fun that can give you toilet problems as for dumping that’s too much food it’s a fine line I do go to family gatherings and they are very understanding I enjoy my food at home, my wife goes out and about with her friends and family which I don’t mind. But knowing how I feel about the new me I totally understand and this won’t change over the years just remember 5% in 10yrs I wish him well️

My cancer was different but I don't always feel like socialising. I now have a stoma and bags for urine and sometimes have leaks. That can be embarrasing. I have more or less been able to laugh off these difficulties but it has taken a while.

I think you need to think about yourself and maybe talk to someone face to face about how you feel. I've heard Maggie's centres can be good for that. And maybe you can develop a social life for yourself? I have book group, local literature classes, gym, walking group where I meet others. My husband does some things himself too. But like many men he is less bothered about meeting others.

Feeling safe is important to us all and your husband has had some difficult experiences since being treated. I don't know if he could change but I do know that pressing before he is ready only entrenches things. After treatment some of us become less willing to do things. I was the same but do sometimes try to push myself. It does work, sometimes.

And if your husband won't go out perhaps you could invite people over for coffee and cake or friendly meals? So you can feel less out of things?

A friend of mine had a similar swallowing problem but we used to invite him over for easily eaten foods which he enjoyed. I think it helped that I sometimes have a problem swallowing too: dry, large-ish mouthfuls regularly get stuck when I'm not thinking about eating sensibly (caused I think by osteoporosis medication which may have damaged my gullet in the past). If it won't go down after a while, then I have to head to the lavatory and bring it up. That can be a bit scary although not in any way like your husband 's situation I'm sure. But I have managed to cope so far.

I 'm sure people are less bothered by any difficulties your husband has than he thinks. My friends and family have learnt to take my things in their strides and so have I. One thing that helped me re leaking, for example, was explaining that the bag was at fault not my body. So they didn't have to worry about me being In pain.I n hot weather and when I let it get too full the adhesive that sticks the bag to my skin can give way and drench me and my clothes (and possibly he upholstery I'm sitting on!)  But I can quickly change my bag and clothes and wipe the chair. 

In your husband 's case it would be his body causing the difficulty, but people now know that can happen so are probably less concerned than he thinks. I hope they can persuade him that they don't mind so much and miss his company.

I hope this helps a bit. 

All the best,

Latestart

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A lot of what you say rings true with me I am certainly not the person I was before my chemo and surgery but although things have changed in my life I don’t eat after 6pm and limit myself to one fizzy drink a day and find alcohol does not suit me so social evenings don’t hold the same attraction anymore! 

I sill play bowls do yoga Pilates and go to the gym and have coffee with friends but am always happy to get home, holidays are difficult as I have an electric bed so find sleep propped up on pillows not great ! 

I am lucky that I rarely suffer from dumping but it’s always a possibility ,also now have OA in my knees and hips but not sure if this is connected ! 
 
I can understand as a wife it’s hard for you as your life has also changed my husband is older than me so does not mind our not eating out in the evening if we do eat out it’s in the day and I always check the menu on line to see what I can eat and my husband finishes what I can’t eat ! So yes life is much less spontaneous but I’m still here ! Thank goodness xxx

Thank you for all your replies .I think it does help to get different perspectives.

I forgot to mention his age , he’s 68 .He was a very fit and agile man before his illness too .Always on the go and I guess that’s what I miss about him the most now .

I have a social life and interests of my own but now and again it would be nice to go out together as we used to do .I guess it’s just me who feels he’s missing out and should be making more of the possible second chance he’s been given .Maybe I’m expecting too much of him ? 

I’m beginning to think I underestimated the impact all this would have on him . 
Maybe  it’s me who needs to see a psychologist!! 

thanks again ! 
J x

I hope you can find some help because this is a sort of mourning that you seem to be suffering.

He's not old but it sounds as if this withdrawal is his coping mechanism.

I recall looking in a mirror one day and seeing I'd become quite hunched over. It occurred to me that I looked as if I were ready to duck anything else that might be coming to attack me!  I gave myself a talking to and try to be more open to things.

Somewhere on this site there is a paper written by a doctor about how it feels to survive cancer, which might help you understand him a little more. It can be hard to feel 'normal' afterwards.

All the best,

Latestart

Please please don’t blame yourself ! Being a carer/ wife is incredibly hard in fact it’s harder than it is for us,  you go through such a lot to get to this point and it’s only natural you wish things were the same as before ! 

I’m the same age as your husband, maybe arrange an evening out that does not involve food/ drink theatre cinema!! 

As he was a golfer maybe take up bowls less energy required !! 

Wishing you well ! And don’t forget to take care of yourself xx

Dibden doll, quite right,  my poor husband had a heart attack sitting by my bed in ICU after my operation - from  worrying about me. (We convalesced together). Our poor daughter and husband had to move in for 2 months to take care of us. 

One thing we do regularly now is to walk down to town for coffee (cake optional) it's a mile down hill so if tired we take a bus back.

We talk about all sorts of things, get some gentle exercise, frsh air and a change of scene. We used to do it on holiday so it's a reminder of that. Maybe you could try something similar  without the cafe 

Latestart

I was 56 yrs I was a landscape gardener and tree feller I loved my job going out holidays etc now 69yrs going for check ups doctors appointments see the vampire every month because they took part of thyroid also had adjustment of my stomach after 6yrs still not right but not giving in to this can’t stand being in sunshine for too long makes me feel uck and now I’ve got nerve damage they might be tied to surgery hay ho, and no you don’t need a psychologist just relax one day at time and you both will come to terms with what’s happening and he’s still here with you 

Hi Dods 

Yes he has nerve damage too.A common consequence of the surgery and chemo we’ve been told .

I think you’re right in saying I don’t think either of us have quite come to terms with the impact of it all yet .He always says ‘After all this time this is as good as it’s going to get’ . Maybe I’m expecting too much ! 

Until cancer lands on your own  doorstep I don’t think anybody fully understands  the impact it has on not only the sufferer but on their close ones too .

I feel better now I’ve vented on here .So thank you to you all for taking the time  to reply 

Wishing you all well too 

J x

Hi, my husband had his oesophagectomy in 2009 and I still have to get the (metaphorical) crowbar out sometimes because he is happiest at home.  We both enjoy our garden so we have been to a few open gardens and he really enjoyed them, they are part of the national scheme and they usually describe the accessibility. Might he like something like that as it’s not too stressful?

We try the occasional new place to eat out but generally we stick to the same 2 or 3 favourites that have reliable, consistent meals.  We’ve had one or two hiccups but not many! 

Please don’t ever feel guilty for wishing life could be a bit different, you went through so much but you’ve come through it together and the future is what you make of it, some adapting perhaps but you’ll find a way to get the right balance.

Jx