Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer

Hi Martin.

Read something this morning that really struck a chord, hope I can explain this.

It was in a book I am reading albeit sporadically.

It concerned a soldier who fought in world war 2. He had been a secret agent but found himself eventually in a tank regiment, he kept a diary anyway, he was killed when walking in front of a tank trying to alleviate the risk of the tank being ambushed, he was found 12 yards away from the tank, all the allied soldiers were killed. Anyway he was convinced he was going to die and because of this  he wrote in his diary that he felt like a 'stranger on earth'

This is exactly how I felt when I found out there was nothing that could be done for me. I felt like a stranger on earth, that everyone was living their life around me and I felt somehow excluded? Am better than I was but still feel a bit like that. Does that make any sense to you?

Regarding the chemo, before my op I was on chemo, it actually shrank the tumour. I had the first round of chemo and was ok but on the second round I got really ill and ended up in hospital for 7 days but, and this is the salient point, they lessened the strength of the chemo by about ten per cent and I was ok after that. I don't think you can take other people's stories with chemo as anything more than an example of what might happen to you? We are all different but let me put it like this, I have had 2 different types of chemo, pre op and post op and will not hesitate to have a third lot if it gives me three more months, after all, it's great to be alive. 

Tegarding tje liver, it's the tubes that put me off.

Arsenal for top four? Probably not as 5 of their 7 games are away. 

Just thought I'd mention that, bit random really

Best wishes

Pete

Hi Pete, I was wondering if you have looked at any alternative treatments given that conventional medicine have no treatment to offer you other than that of the 1939 cancer act. I personally would try anything that wasn't harmful as I feel there would be nothing to lose. Anyway good luck with whatever you do and I remember Arsenal of the 70's. Kind regards Frank

Hi Pete,

I think I understand what you mean about feeling like "a stranger on earth". I don't feel that way myself, but I find myself missing a lot of things. I used to enjoy planning for the future be it when I was working, or for holidays, or the house or whatever. I now find that it's a case of "there's no point" although I try not to think that way, it does happen. I regret that I can't do certain things, or book to do things, because I don't know what's going to happen. I don't like uncertainty. I'd rather make a decision, albeit a wrong one (maybe), than just sit and constantly turn things over in my mind. 

What I do feel like is "this can't be real". Because my symptoms are reasonably mild compared to yours and a lot of others, and I've not started any treatments yet, I feel generally "normal". The only times I know there's something wrong if at meal times and afterwards, although currently I find this bloody hernia restrictive. As I said in one of my earlier posts, I try not to think too long or too deeply about the cancer and what the future holds. I think I've got stuff organised for when the worst happens, and I try to carry on as normal as possible at the moment although I know that will change when I start treatment.

Thanks for your experience of chemo. I know we're all different and that we'll react in different ways, but it's good to see how others have fared. Some seem to have had "acceptable" experiences and others absolute crap ones. I suppose one of my biggest fears in all this is getting an infection, and that infection getting to my heart and causing endocarditis again. Because if I get that again, I'll have to have my aortic valve replaced, and that'll b@ll@@ks everything up.

Anyway, on to happier thoughts, possibly. Let's hope Southampton can do something against the scousers tonight. 

Have a good day.

Take care

Martin

Hi Martin & Pete

I am still following your exchanges with interest! 

Regarding things being not quite normal because you can’t plan... I have tried to continue to enjoy life in spite of what the future may bring (make every day count). I think I was inspired to think this way after someone I knew resolved to do something new everyday for a year and post it on social media to sponsor for some worthy cause. Another person who was a improving photographer resolved to take a photo every day and post it on Instagram. I can’t say that I have hade any such specific resolution. However, I do try to do something significant every day, rather than let the days slip by with nothing to report. So when my son rings and says “what have you been doing this week.” I can tell him of something for every day. I have a number of hobbies, and things I enjoy. Some are pretty mundane and boring to others but I try to do something I enjoy or do something for someone else most days - “make a difference” (M.A.D.). In this way, for me, life continues to be significant and worthwhile, and I am grateful for every (extra) day.

For me the pre-op chemo wasn’t too bad, apart from the constant nausea. But I found eating/grazing helped. It was like being pregnant during the first trimester, including the restrictions on what I could eat. Post-op chemo was something else! Perhaps it was this near death experience that makes me value my days so much!

Please continue to post. I enjoy conversation even if it is ‘being on the outside’. Sorry guys, I don’t follow football!

Hi Martin, Brent and Frank.

Sorry guys, I had no idea you were following our posts, anyway, now I know so good morning Martin, good morning Brent and good morning Frank. Yes Martin, living with uncertainty is very difficult. I Sussed that out pretty quickly when I was diagnosed?Advertisements are difficult because they all deal with a mythical future, well actually, it's not mythical but what do I want a new phone for or a couch from Dfs, even small things can be thought provoking, that flash advert with the dog and the man, as if I'm gonna buy some of that?

Englands euro qualifiers , I watched the last 2 qualifiers,10 goals scored and one conceded?Am convinced England are gonna do something in the finals, there's so much young English talent at the moment, no-one will want to play us. I love Southgates attitude, it England can tighten up a bit defensively and they can keep Kane fit, well, I predict that England will beat all before them. Exciting times.

I listened to Man City on the radio in the week Martin, Guardiola rested loads of players, Chris Hughton has to have a game plan but what could it possibly be?

Yeah, Friday night, long trip for Liverpool, Southampton well organised but Liverpool will probably scrape home.

I had a mate around yesterday, plied him with scotch and cokes but was really good myself, drank ginger beer but did have a pint and a half of doombar later on. Was supposed to go out to an open mike night last night but sacked it as I'd had a full on day.

Well Frank, I bought we're only in it for the money and hot rats and couldn't stand either of em. Also borrowed just another band from LA when I was an apprentice 45 years ago and couldn't get into that either, so, can I ask what is the allure of Frank Zappa?What am I missing?

What are you up to today Martin, have you had your doctors appointment?How did it go?Do you want to share?

Also Frank, what alternative treatments do you refer to? As I mentioned, I am seeing if there are any trials going but it's all gone quiet from the NHS with that one. A friend of mines wife mentioned fasting to power done the immune system but I'm on loads of painkillers so not sure if that will work?

Off to a church coffee morning now and have enrolled on a Christianity explored course for 7 weeks?

Hoping you, the 3 amigo's, have a good day

Best Wishes

Pete.

Hi Chaps,

This is getting to be a quite a little group.

I think that new Southampton boss has changed their mind set somewhat, and they are becoming difficult to beat. I'd be quite happy with a draw. Quite agree about England, but not sure about your comments on Kane. He's certainly not in form at the moment. I'm pleased with the way Sterling seems to be maturing, both on and off the pitch. He just needs to lose that nasty Liverpool habit of falling over in the box.

Glad you had a good if tiring day yesterday Pete. Bed's the best place if you're knackered. Never really fancied open mike nights. I can't sing (the proverbial Ol' Johnny One Note), and not that keen on amateur vocalists.

Just got back from the GP. First time I've seen this one but she was really nice. We talked through the hernia issue and she checked it out. She's made a lot of notes about what we talked about, including the cancer. We've settled with me getting back to her after I've seen the oncologist next week and to see if there's time between then and the start of chemo to get it sorted. I said if push came to shove I'd go private (I think we could find the £2k-£3k needed) to which she said if there was a time window she'd see if she could get me treated as a priority case, otherwise we'd look at the private route.

That Christianity Explored course sounds as if it could be quite interesting.

I'm not quite sure if you got the wrong end of the stick, Brent. The sort of planning I really enjoyed was holidays and weekend breaks etc., and there is no way at the moment I can do that and book places as I have no idea whether I'll be able to go. In terms of wasting or idling days away. I don't think that fits either. I work two mornings a week and am in the throws of changing the Parish Council's bookkeeping/accounting systems, which is going quite well Just waiting to get the financial year end out of the way, and then we can ditch Sage. Both systems have been run in tandem without hiccupp for the last two months.

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I'm heavily into genealogy. And that takes an awful lot of time up, and I've got one strand of the family back to about 1640 in Staffordshire, but there are a lot of blanks to fill in. It takes time to try and cross check everything to ensure you are following the person, it amazing the number of people that just "slap" anything down as long as the names correct. 

We're currently sorting out the lounge and dining room in terms of decorating, a new suite and bits and bobs my wife wants. To be honest, it can be a challenge to try and get the footie in. 

I've never been one for setting made up targets and trying to achieve them, it a bit like New Year's resolutions, they never really happen. I used to get into arguments with my bosses at work at times when they came up with timetables for stuff which were based purely on dates picked out of the air. If they could prove the need, fine, if not I wasn't going to work my butt off just to make them look good. They got the message in the end.

Anyway, have a good day Pete, and you'll have to give us a synopsis of exploring Christianity. I've got another bl@@dy Sainsbury's run and then I understand we're off to John Lewis in the afternoon to look at some of the aforementioned bits and bobs.

Take care you lot.

Cheers

Martin

Hi Martin. 

Well that's good news about the hernia, having had a hernia I can joke about this), maybe only women get hernias and men get himnias? Anyway , that's totally unfunny, sorry about that. Sounds positive though Martin, maybe you could get it in before the chemo?Good luck with that. Is the hernia really painful ? Mine was down the right hand side in my groin?

Harry Kane, yeah I know that's a controversial statement, he is out of form, I just think that he works so hard for the team and is really important even without the ball? As an Arsenal supporter it's difficult for me to say this and it's irrelevant but I also really like Harry Kane as a person?? He seems like a really good bloke?

Open mike sessions, yeah, I wouldn't dream of getting onstage although I do play guitar badly and have actually stopped playing since I got the bad news as I know there is little time for me to improve much, bit sad really!

Christianity explored. Yeah I went to the first session which dealt with the complexity of life and could it really have happened purely by chance?We also read the start of arks gospel and the coming of Jesus. I go to church every Sunday both morning and evening. I am attracted to the space in the church, it's only a little chapel but the space is imbibed with history, with people who have been there before over generations, it's very powerful.

Also, although attendance at the chapel is very much in decline, the people who attend are good people.

In a slightly different vein, at Christianity explored this morning there was a woman that I really like? I have met her before and know that she is single like me but I won't ask her out for a coffee because I have got no future and don't think it's fair to get involved with anyone? A couple of my mates think I am wrong to think this was as does my daughter?What do you think Martin?

Hope you managed to endure your trip to Sainsbury's. If you lived down here and felt inclined you could come to Christianity explored with me. Soup and a roll afterwards, it was a lovely morning. 

What you up to at the weekend?I might take a walk down by the river with my ex partner and ex dog,(Can I have an ex dog)?

Chapel on Sunday.

Best wishes and Hi toyou Bremt and hi to you Frank if you are both reading this

Pete. 

Hi Pete,

It's bloody annoying to be honest. This is the third time I've had a hernia. Back in about 1998 or 9 I had one on the right side which was repaired and hasn't been a problem since. Back in 2015 I got one on the left side which finally got repaired in March of 2016. Trouble with this one was that the day after I got a massive haematoma which landed me in A&E and then two nights in hospital while they sorted that out. I think that sorting that one out may have weakened the repair, so here we go again. It gets very achy at times which is annoying as it means we can't really go for much of a walk without me feeling very uncomfortable. 

Regarding the woman you fancy, my own view is that provided you are up front and honest with her, she can make up her own mind how far she wants to take things (if at all, she may not fancy you - lol). Sounds like you had a very nice morning, certainly a lot better than the GP's and Sainsbury's, followed by a pleasant after noon around John Lewis (oh joy).

I'm not sure you can have an ex-dog. It makes it sound like it's now a cat or something..

Plans for the weekend, well......at times when the footie isn't on......we've got to get the lounge and dining room ready for the decorators who start on Monday. So that will take a while. Other than that, not too much to be fair. Dependant on the weather, the garden needs to get a bit of attention and the grass cutting, so we'll see. 

Have a good weekend yourself, Pete.

Bye for now

Martin

Pete

I bet there are a hundred other people reading your exchanges, wishing you luck with this “woman that you really like”. Why shouldn’t you find that spark that one feels with a new friend?

Can I return your good wishes, to both of you. And good luck with the lovely lady, Pete.

Hi guys, Pete with Zappa it's a bit like Marmite you like or dislike, some of his stuff is a bit too jazz oriented for me. I liked the rockier stuff and humerous stuff. With regards to the outlook for the future, I know for me it just brought back into focus that we are all going to die sometime, hopefully later rather than sooner. The football is a bit touchy for me as a Scotsman, our international team is woefully embarrassing. England on their day are as good as anyone. We have a great shortage of footballing talent, caused by buckfast tonic wine for decades and now also hard drugs. With a small population also our best days are behind us. On a club level i follow Celtic, the Scottish media are so biased in favour of Rangers. With regards alternative treatments, I am not suggesting that they are better but the conventional treatment has not changed in decades. I had a brother who died from cancer in 1976, I was diagnosed in 2016. Still the same treatment plan of chemotherapy and radiotherapy and surgery, so in 40 years of research and all the money spent the treatment hasn't changed. Sure the chemicals have changed and a few other tweaks but broadly speaking the idea of chemotherapy is to hopefully kill off more cancer cells than healthy ones. Anything that is natural like a plant can't be patent protected so pharmaceutical companies study them then try to synthesise the active ingredient, then they give it a trade name and can protect it. I'm not saying cannabis oil cures anything but it was available on prescription until 1968. And the uk is the world's largest exporter of medical cannabis. I would rather have the option of trying it if all else failed. Vitamin B17 is also worth exploring, I think if it won't harm you anything is worth looking at. I know when I asked about alternative treatments I was told that he couldn't speak about alternative treatments. However I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and to do what they think is best for them. There's no cure for being a Scotland fan ! Good luck to everyone on the journey. Kind regards Frank