Father Diagnosed with Oesophagal Cancer

Hi, I’m sorry I don’t have any info you’re looking for but my dad has just been diagnosed with cancer and put off telling any of us for 2 months. We are at the start of his treatment journey. I just wanted to say I’m here, with you living this awful journey as a daughter who’s only 3 years older than you. Praying for your family ️

Thank-you for your reply. It's difficult knowing that my dad's known about how bad a prognosis he's had and hasn't shared it with us forthright. And it's difficult to really know what's going on when he isn't being the most transparent and is attempting to deal with everything on his own

I don't think he understands that we aren't here to feel sorry for him or treat him like an invalid. I'm here as his daughter, I love and care about him and want to be there to support him. He's my dad and I know he'd do the same for me if roles for reversed. Even though my mum and dad are ex-partners, my mum just wants to be there as the mother of his kids and the only long-term partner she's ever had. We're there to share love and care, to make things even the tiniest better for him if we can. I know everyone deals with things in their own way, but this doesn't seem like the time for him to be trying to cope on his own

I'm sending thoughts and prayers to you, your family and your dad especially too. I'm sorry you're going through this - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Reach out anytime if you feel the need to 

Hi, I’m so sorry that I can’t answer your questions but wanted to say that your love and care for your dad shines through your posts and I can understand it is incredibly difficult and painful for you not to be able to support your dad in the way you’d like to or get the information you want to help you prepare for the journey ahead.

I know this is stereotyping, but your dad’s way of coping is very typical of fathers given such a devastating diagnosis. My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in May and we have three children aged between 35-40 so I hope it might help a tiny bit to explain some of the behaviours and rationale my husband (who is probably a similar generation to your dad) has shown since his diagnosis. Firstly, he ignored the symptoms and I had to keep pushing and pushing him to even see his GP when it was clear he was ill. It was a gruelling battle lasting more than 6 months to even get a diagnosis and during this time my husband just kept burying his head in the sand and hoping if he just kept ignoring it and tried to do all his usual work and activities (even when he was on his knees with exhaustion) it would all go away.

Fortunately, he let me go to all the doctor’s appointments with him and allowed me to ask any questions I wanted (there were a LOT) but left to himself he wouldn’t have asked anything at all! Every time the doctors asked if he had any other symptoms or questions, he said, “No”  so then I would chip in! As your mum doesn’t live with your dad, it would have been very easy for your dad to soldier on like this throughout the initial stages without anyone suspecting how ill he was. As you may know, oesophageal cancer is often not diagnosed until it has progressed to stage 4. I suspect this is because is far more common in men and so many men think if they just ignore symptoms they will go away! The social pressure on men (especially those aged 40+) to be ‘brave’ and not show emotion is still very influential. Many men also seem to believe that caring for their families means being the ‘strong one’ and showing any sign of weakness (in their eyes) is tantamount to not being a good dad or caring for their family. In my experience, many men are incredibly frightened of being powerless and vulnerable because so much of their self-esteem is tied up in being ‘’strong’ and in control. I think their need to remain in control of the information about their diagnosis and treatment is part of this. 

Your comments about your dad being unable to appreciate that you’re not there to feel sorry for him or treat him like an invalid struck a chord as these were the exact phrases my husband used.  He didn’t want us to treat him any differently and much preferred us not to discuss it. I don’t know if it helps at all to know that although it doesn’t actually help you to be kept in the dark, your dad’s way of coping with this is a demonstration of his love for you and desire to protect you at all costs. From what you’ve said, palliative care seems inevitable and I’m sure there will come a time when your dad will have to relinquish control and allow you and your mum to care for him. Until then, I recommend doing things with him that he enjoys to make memories together - stereotyping again I know, but most men are so much better at bonding over an activity than a chat! Depending on his interests and physical abilities, play or watch sports together (many men find shouting at the ref incredibly cathartic and allow them to express emotions like anger and sorrow in a socially acceptable way)  go to the pub, play cards, darts, etc or get him to teach you something he knows about - gardening, birdwatching, DIY etc. Just knowing you are there for him and want to spend quality time with him is probably the best support you can give him right now. Very best wishes to you all.

Hi - thank-you so much for the response.

My dad has never been the kind of man to get emotional or share feelings. I really understood how bad things were when I asked him how he was, and he told me very bad. Usually he'd just respond with an optimistic answer primarily out of instinct than anything else. I can see how much pain he's in... He's gone from codeine to morphine in the space of weeks. He's lost a lot of weight, about 15kg in a few months. Can't swallow solids at all, and is struggling with just the nutrients drinks/shakes from the doctor. And although nothing bone wise has been found, he's having severe pain in both shoulders. He told me he had to keep putting the car in neutral because it was so painful for him to change gear. So I know already, even if he's not being completely transparent, that things are bad and his prognosis is probably very poor

I appreciate the insight you've shared about how your partner felt and processed the diagnoses, how he felt he had to be and behave. From the very start, I've done my best to reassure him where I can, that he can check in whenever he likes, even just to tell me things are bad. Initially, I took the news quite badly. It was passed to me via my mum but I'm sure she will have told him how I reacted which may not have been helpful, as I got very upset. Only because my Nana and her brother both passed away from a tumour in the esophagus, cancer. And my Grandad passed with a growth on his tumour that had made swallowing difficult. And all of my family members were to stubborn to reach out to healthcare professionals on their initial experience of symptoms. So I've seen this battle before, I know how gruelling and merciless it is, how quick it can be, and that hit me really hard. I imagine he might further feel he needs to be strong for me because of how upset I became. But it was just the initial news and the exhaustion that this would have to be a battle replayed for the fourth time

I text almost everyday, we live a fair distance apart. I don't expect a response and he knows that. At a basic level it's just to let him know I'm thinking of him, that I hope he's taking good care of himself and looking after himself, resting, that I love him very much and I'm here if there's anything at all I can do. I fear that because of the distance, physical and emotional, between my dad and family members, that he's going to force himself to really suffer right until the end and not allow anyone to step in and help. Like I said, it doesn't come from a place of thinking any less of him. Just from a place of love. He's taken care of me the best that he was able, he's invested care and nurture, and I just want to be able to give a bit of that back to him now that he might really need it. I don't want him to feel like he has to suffer

He's always been a stereotypical male when it comes to asking for help in anyway or when it comes to anything feelings wise. A lot of what you say really resonates with me. We did use to go fishing and I think he has thought a lot about how our last trip was disaster, because we say under a tree for shade and the line kept getting tangled. So I've done my best to make sure he knows I still value greatly, that I see the humour and irony in our last fishing trip being a disaster (and isn't it always the way). I know he doesn't do talking about emotions, but we do have a very dysfunctional past, a lot happened when I was a child, my dad wasn't at his best. I've made sure in that letter to make sure he knows that by gones are by gones and I see and appreciate all he's done for me and there's nothing I hold against him at all

I feel like there's nothing more I can do, and there probably is very little  I don't want to be selfish and make things about me. I can't imagine how difficult things must be for him to process right now, but I want as much time and communication with him as I can possibly get

By Golly, sorry for the essay