Hi, it has been a week now since my diagnosis and I'm in such a weird frame of mind. I think it's the first time in my whole life where I really just don't know how I am feeling.
They already took what the consultant described as a very large part of my cervix last time and the margins weren't clear of CIN III, but were 3mm clear of cancer. So, I have to have more of my cervix removed next week, which I'm not particularly looking forward to the recovery from, but I really just want to know the results now... Not in another six weeks.
I feel like I can't speak to my macmillan nurse because who am I to feel the way I am when I quite possibly have got off incredibly lightly and potentially might not need any further treatment after this. In comparison to others who are going through so much more. Although, I won't know for sure until I get my next results.
Those around me are so relieved that my news wasn't 'you're going to die in x amount of time' and I am of course hugely relieved that we didn't get that news. But at the same time, I feel like I'm dealing with all the emotions of being diagnosed and all the 'what if more is found' or 'what if it comes back' thoughts and I feel like I shouldn't be having them. I should be happy that they are hopeful it has been caught early.
But I don't feel happy. I feel a huge sense of, perhaps loss? Or maybe concern that it could be worse and yet everyone around me (probably through my own communication) cannot see this weight that has suddenly been placed over me like a dark cloud.
My own mother has never been great anyway, but yesterday during a conversation about something else said 'oh, and how are you after your cancer scare?'
In my mind a cancer scare is finding a lump and being reassured it's nothing to worry about when you go and see your GP. Not weeks of torture and waiting, only to be told you have a diagnosis.
Then I feel like maybe I'm being a drama queen. Should I be treating it with the same level of unimportance as everyone else appears to be?
I don't really have a question, I just wanted to get my thoughts out in a safe space. I'm feeling pretty low right now and like I really shouldn't be.
