Hi,
I was very much looking forward to receiving additional information through a recent post. Save for one person, who I thank wholeheartedly, my post garnered no responses. It would seem that there is much information about the implications to a man of being with a CIN2 woman, but there isn't.
Most articles tell me not to feel guilty, which I don't. Tell me that many men have HPV or will get it soon, which I understand. Remind me that it was most likely a man who gave it to me, which it was. Explain that CIN2 isnt contagious while the virus is, which I get. How could any woman not be fearful of giving a man (partnered or not) cancer even indirectly?
I live with a ridiculous fear of physically harming others so making someone gravely ill in exchange for my feeling less lonely is making me want to crawl into a hole. Unless a man smokes or is immune compromised he will most likely clear the virus in two years. I have to think that my inability to resove HPV from my system is due to many, many factors that most people don't experience.
This is what I think about nonstop. If there is a link about this topic, I'd be really grateful if someone would pass along,
Mahalo,
Pam
Hi again Pam (PJLHI )
I’m sorry you feel disappointed about the lack of responses to your original post-perhaps this forum is not best suited to what you’re looking for.
We of course get posts about CIN, particularly since the closure of a well known charity in the UK which had a forum which was very busy, but as our group here is focused on cervical cancer, it’s natural that most posts will be about cancer itself, treatment, side effects and surgeries.
i have been in this group for more than 4 years, and joined to connect with others with experience of cancer as I suspect most of us did. As a community champion I do my best to respond to all posts, whether about cancer or not, but those which focus on hpv or CIN tend to involve someone asking a question and then that person moving on-either because they have received the answer they are looking for or because they have had a successful treatment.
This would seem to indicate that there isn’t anyone else who wants to post about the feelings you are having, or simply doesn’t have the same feelings.
I can only speak to my own experiences, and to be honest I don’t, and never have lived in fear of giving my partner the virus, or causing cancer in another person. The “ridiculous fear of harming others” which you mention, is not something I can relate to or understand, but the fact that you are thinking about this non stop sounds very concerning for your own mental health.
I don’t live with “what if” types of questions in my head-what’s done is done for me, and having dealt with this disease twice and having had life changing surgery, my thoughts are of the “now” and continuing to survive. it sounds from your post that you might find that difficult to understand-your point about how could anyone not be fearful of passing the virus on has a sense of judgement about it, that we should be living in a constant state of fear about this and if we’re not we are at fault in some way.
I am happy to say I am not living with any such fear.
Almost every single one of us here has cancer caused by the virus but to be honest I don’t see a focus here in the group on CIN and hpv because most members are well beyond that stage. There is a tiny proportion of women here whose cancer is not hpv driven, but treatment for their cancer is the same and our focus is on our cancer, not hpv.
Is your therapist not helping you to work through these feelings? Can they recommend any organisations in the USA which you could connect with for help?
I don’t believe in this group that we are in a position to give you the facts you are seeking to ease your emotions, and we don’t have links to topics in Macmillan which specifically deal with how you’re feeling-we are here to give peer to peer support to others in a similar situation as ourselves. You may get more replies now you have posted again, but you may not if no-one can identify with this level of fear you carry which seems to be impacting so severely on your life. It does saddens me to see how your fear is overtaking you, but I hope you can understand how this really might be a very different fear to those of us with cancer.
Sarah xx
Hi,
Thanks for reaching out. I fully understand and appreciate everything you said. It serves as a good reminder to me to be present.
Thanks Pam-I hope I haven’t caused upset to you by my response and hope you can get some further help through therapy or talking to others who are feeling as you do. I have known in the past, before joining this forum but looking at other groups both here and overseas that there are groups online in the USA who have specific support for how you feel.
I didn’t join them because they didn’t align with my own feelings, thoughts or situation but I am not allowed to post links here. Perhaps try searching online?
Sarah xx
