My mother In law

Dear Sarahlou

i can appreciate this is a tough situation for those who love someone and want to support as much as they can. I have recently been diagnosed with secondary bc in both liver and bones; the hardest thing I have had to face was telling my son and daughter-in-law. I am just about coping with my own emotions and just don’t have the strength to carry theirs too at the moment. If I were you I would focus on practical help; are there things you can do? Have you got time to just spend with your mother in law? Try to get your husband to do the same with his mum; he doesn’t have to focus on the cancer but the person. If this all seems useless, find your own way; I am not an expert, just another mum with bc.  

Thank you so much for your response. We try not to get upset x take care 

hi there

It is such a shock when you get a diagnosis and sometimes harder for families because you feel so helpless.  Your mum in law will be processing information and emotions and may not be ready to answer detailed questions and may be protecting you all. 

Although our cancers are classified as incurable if she is stage four, they are treatable and drugs today are very effective although some side effects can be difficult. For me it is aches and pains on top of existing arthritis. I am 67 but feel much older.  I have gone through different effects as my body has had to adapt to the drugs.  I am on Fulvestrant injections, Denosumab injection and Ibrance tablets. I am in a Facebook group where I see regular stories about ladies who have survived for many many years. 

Ask your mum in law for specific jobs to do like shopping, cleaning, mowing the lawn, anything physical that she might struggle with. Take her shopping, go for a walk,  phone her regularly but dont just talk about the cancer.  She will want to be as normal as possible.  I resisted any counselling but I was loaded with anxiety and in lockdown couldn't get a hug. I had some counselling and it helped me to face the diagnosis.  She may or may notvwantbto talk about her future. I found inwantedvto talk funerals and hospices as it helped me to know i have a plan and take pressure off my family. Be open and honest about this.  My sister tells me I will be fine and it irritates me as I think she is dismissive of the serious nature of diagnosis. Hope this helps you.