Scared of what new life will be

I'm so sorry to read you are feeling like this.

I'm now 3 days post a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction. In the days before I was like you...very anxious and struggling and finding it hard to imagine how I could manage with my new body and subesquent treatment. However, whilst I'm finding the drains either side very annoying, so far I'm in a much better head space than I thought I would be...I didn't think I'd be able to look at myself for a while, but I have and not found it as traumatic as I'd envisaged.

Whilst it's very hard, my advice would be to talk to people about how you are feeling - I have an amazing breast cancer nurse who I feel I can say anything to without judgement; shes made feel that all the emotions and panic I was feeling was totally normal. And try your hardest not to second guess how you will feel afterwards...I was doing that in spades and the reality is nowhere near as bad.

Sending lots of love and hugs to you and feel free to ask any questions xxx

Hi Jayne, 

You have just described exactly how I felt (and sometimes how I still do) prior to my double mastectomy which was last October. I am now half way through chemo. 

My cancer is Metaplastic which means is grows really fast (mass was 10cm by the time they operated) and can come back really quickly in other parts of my body, it is also triple negative which means it’s hard to treat because chemo doesn’t work well with this type. Knowing this is the reason why I sometimes still feel this way even after surgery. 

I had my own business which was the focus of my life, I have had to give it up because of treatment I now have a new life and it’s up to me what I do with it, I have had time to reassess what is important and I have decided that the work I focused so much on is not on my list. 

I am finding the side effects chemo hard, mainly the nausea and headaches, I expected to get all of the side effects on the list like nails falling off and teeth falling out but fortunately most people only get some of the side effects, I haven’t had issues with nails, teeth or skin. 

I am not feeling strong and sometimes feel like giving up on it, but this is a normal feeling that comes and goes during treatment, joining a local support group really helped me understand how breast cancer is not one single disease, there are so many variations of it and treatment effects everyone differently, the support given by the ladies in these groups is wonderful, they have been through it and in a way they still are because breast cancer will affect you for life.

It does get easier, but not every day, yes your life will change forever but re-assess (when you feel mentally able to) and try to look for positives in the future when treatment has finished. There is support out there and support from people that are/have been through it is sometimes better than support from your loved ones who have no idea how you are feeling. 

I wish you well with your surgery and a quick recovery xx 

Thank you x this means a lot x take care xx and thank you for your reply xx

Hi, I just wanted to pop on and wish you the best for your surgery this week. I had a lumpectomy 3 years ago and whilst I have a few side effects from the chemo and ongoing hormone meds, I am back to a busy full time job, lots of travel and doing everything I want to do.

My diagnosis for sure changed me, but in many positive ways. I am much more relaxed about work than I ever was before, I take more care of what I eat and drink (well, at least I try to) and I have figured out how to manage the side effects so they really don't limit me at all.

The fear and uncertainty is very normal, but be kind to yourself and take one step at a time. Best wishes 

Hiya, good luck for Tuesday. Was in a similar position to you in October - the thought of life after surgery scared me to death. But actually, the mastectomy was ok, the pain was 1/10. 

Agree the swelling & Lymphoedema is a constant worry for me, but do your exercises twice a day, drink lots of fluids, move (ue walk), take a good afternoon nap, moisture your scar when it's healed & go to a cancer support centre that offers complimentary therapies. Meet up with friends....get a little routine going for the daytime. It helps you feel a little more in control.

The evenings are harder as that's when scary future "what if" thoughts arise, but find something to take your mind off them - the Headspace App has a great Coping with Cancer meditation, I use that before bed sometimes. Teaches you that thoughts will always come & a natural part of the course of this crap disease, but that they are just that, thoughts. I find it helpful.

Please know that you can do this and that your medical team will have you initially. But take back done control if your body to help your recovery, and it will help your mind a little, helping you to be that little bit stronger to cope with the surprises as you go along.

All the best fit your op & you have this x

Hi thank you x yes not as bad as I thought feeling better today had dressing changed a bit teary , still not looked at new me x one drain in x hoping to go home tomorrow x how are you doing today x

So pleased to hear from you. Glad it went well and has so far been ok.

Take everything one day at a time...you will have up and down days and you need to just go with them. I have been positive one minute, then teary the next. Whilst I have been able to look at myself, it isn't easy and can't do it for any length of time yet. But looking has been a step further than I thought. It will come for you ️

I finally had my drains removed yesterday, which has been liberating movements wise and seen a physio today. My next step is a shower...worried about doing anything to harm my wounds, but feels like the next step.

I was a little nervous, but my friend who'd taxied me to hospital suggested a coffee stop. It was actually really good to do something slightly normal...I realised no-one was looking at me for a start!

Take care xx

I can’t look yet , was upsetting when they changed the dressing today, the sensation you expect to be there are not, it felt very strange indeed, bought home the impact of the op x 

going home tomorrow, and my children will be visiting, which I’m looking forward to .  Thank you for your positive and supportive replies x 

we will get there xx

Hi Jayne, 

I am so glad I stumbled upon this post. I am due to have a right side op on the 23rd. I have been very positive and upbeat but suddenly realised that I am doing this for the sack of others and really I want to go to bed, pull the blanket over my head and cry until I fall asleep..... I won't do this. I am getting more and more scared as the op approaches, I had my sentinel lymph node removed last week and I am waiting for the results so keeping everything crossed.

I hope you recover well and quickly and I am hoping we all get through this, so we can go on and live happy lives.

Also my appointment letter says day surgery but I am assuming that I will need to stay in a few days?? Please could someone tell me how long they were in hospital xx

Good luck all xxxx

Hello lovely's, 

I have not read back all through the posts, what I have seen I would like to say.....

Try to find a way to "embrace your operation", this is giving you your chance at life - yes it is a new life (I believe the person you was before hearing 'those words' has gone, she has ran off scared and now the new you has to fight for her and for you....

I believe because it happened so quickly none of us had time to prepare or time to say good bye to her - she just went and you were left with a rollercoaster of a ride in front of you - in time the ride will slow down, you will get off and wonder what just happened and then as you think back you will sort of grieve for all that has gone on.

For now keep in your mind that the operation as scary as you might feel this is needed to start a new - try to be excited that the operation date will soon be here - the sooner this is done the sooner you can move forward.

With regards to hospital stay - it will depend on the operation and the time of day you have the operation - some go home 'the same day', some stay overnight others may stay a couple of days.

I will add, I had a lumpectomy - and sentinel lymph node operation at the same time.... I will say the sentinel lymph node healing hurt far more (strange stinging type of pain) than the lumpectomy operation!!

If any of you have trouble sleeping or need uplifting or even any questions, there is a thread called AWAKE - I will attach a link to the thread - we all pop in and out of there at all times of the night and day.

Please just don't ever feel alone - we are here for you xxx

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer-forum/f/general/128753/awake/2115985