I have my axillary node clearance results this afternoon and I'm sat in my garden counting down the time to call an Uber. I've told everyone that no-one is expecting bad news which is true but I'm secretly terrified. What if today is the day I find out my long term prognosis is really poor, or that all the lymph nodes were positive and it's likely spread. I feel really sad and I don't want to cry in the appt or before the appt because I have one if those faces that shows when I've been crying for hours afterwards. Sometimes I wish I had a partner to do this with and sometimes I really miss the one man I actually wanted to be with who made me feel like I was pretty physically. But then most of the time I'm glad I'm on my own so I don't have to worry about someone else and how they are feeling and if I'm less attractive to them now or if they're losing respect for me because I have days when I'm not feeling very brave. And I know it sounds silly but I want to be around to see my pets out because I love them and I don't want them to think I abandoned them. Anyway, I'm sorry to be self indulgent or maudlin, I just wanted to post this because I know there are a lot of of other people out there going through this, all with their own different feelings and thoughts and it makes me feel less alone. I hope it makes someone else feel less alone also x
