Feel so alone…..

Oh dear, people can be so insensitive!  I had a cousin who whatever you were discussing, she would always have a horror story to tell, always doom and gloom.  No one can know what you are going through, they really can’t. I am sure some of them think they are being helpful but what would be better would be asking if there was anything you needed or to let them know if you wanted to chat sometime. I can’t take away your exhaustion and can’t begin to understand what hell it is. How many sessions of chemo are you having? A friend of mine kept a bowl of beautiful pebbles in her hallway and removed one every time she completed a chemo session so she had a constant vision of the pebbles decreasing. Unfortunately this could have the opposite affect and make you more worried about what is still to come.  If you can find something to focus on that will make you feel you are getting nearer the end of chemo, it might help. If it was me I would do something that you could look forward to like putting say a sum of money aside, a tenner or whatever you can afford, after every session is finished and plan what you will do with it to spoil yourself when you are feeling stronger. I know it just seems a constant round of one procedure after another but once you get chemo done, radiotherapy will be much easier to cope with and you will be on the way to getting your life back.  You are on a such a hard journey, just try and be kind to yourself. You will get through this!  If it was me I am afraid I would start being a bit blunt with so called friends and acquaintances. Just be honest and say, actually, I know you mean well but that isn’t really helping me saying that. Good luck.

Evajean x

Hello Vivi,  For sure people can be so insensitive and say very careless things. If they only would take a step back and look at themselves as they say it they would be quiet.  Cancer treatment sucks and sometimes you feel so overwhelmed, drained and alone as no one really can feel what you are going through.  You have been through so much already and I hope that you start to get stronger every day.  People can be —-holes!!

Barbara

So beautifully written and heartfelt too.  
Barbara

I think a lot of people struggle with knowing what to say. The whole ‘battle’ language that’s used doesn’t help. I just wish people would treat me like a normal person, albeit one experiencing chemo side effects, rather than someone who is sick. And let me decide whether I want to talk about cancer today or not. 

Sorry you are feeling exhausted physically and mentally and hope you are soon a bit brighter. It’s a horribly relentless treatment process 

I know exactly how you feel. I am currently coming to the end of chemo with mastectomy on the horizon next month and having got a date for surgery finally I just feel sad- which is ridiculous I know but the thought of losing my breast really hurts. Like you everyone tells me how well I’ve done carrying on working and looking well but inside they have no idea how I feel and just tell me the end is in sight but they don’t have to put up with the emotional impact of this with all the ups and downs of treatment just as you said. I shouldn’t moan but it is so hard sometimes and I feel your pain Vivi. 

Hi Maryanne,  I don’t think you are being ridiculous at all.  Our feelings go up and down and losing a breast is a big deal.  Guess because we have looked a certain way for years it is normal to feel a loss.  I did not have a mastectomy but had bilateral lumpectomies done and was worried if I would be symmetrical or not.  I am small breasted 34A so there is not much tissue to remove without noticing it.  I am an older woman and started on the cancer path at 72 and age didn’t make a difference either, was still a train wreck.  
You will work things out when you are ready and I believe there are many wonderful ladies who know exactly what you are feeling.  They will share.  Just want you to know that I acknowledge all your feelings.  Take care.  
Barbara

Thankyou for your kind words Barbara. It means a lot. 

Some people are just ar£es. It can sometimes be tricky to know how to respond. Most of us, despite being upset or annoyed, will still avoid any kind of confrontation. I walked away from someone when they were mid babble. It felt really good. 

I believe that this experience is sometimes more mentally than physically challenging. There will not be any two of us that have the exact same journey. You are right, having cancer can be so very isolating despite often being surrounded by good people. We are strong, because what choice is there? It doesn’t mean that we will give up, it means there is no rule about being strong and positive all of the time. It’s ok for us to be negative, angry, upset and it just isn’t fair, why us? 

I am sending you a massive hug, plus a spare one for when you might need it

Welcome to our world, there is nothing you have wrote that I don't think most of us have felt...... my 'best' friend told me that I will be worrying over nothing, I will be fine and everything will be okay (whilst waiting for the results - that she was sure all would be okay).

When I had my results I was greeted with my 'best friend' (of over 40 years - from school) saying 'she had a lot on at the moment and would RSVP (what!!!!!) me when things have settled down.

I feel certain I even did a post that was very similar about how people are and the very ones we least expect to be like it to us.

I have not spoken to this friend since back then - instead of getting hurt and upset by this - I took control and blocked her phone numbers - this way it stop me thinking about her......I haven't got many friends, you can count them on one hand and you'd still have spare fingers......

I thought our friendship was 'equal' - I have 'always' been there for her, even the night of my biopsy she turned up after not seeing each other for must be over a year, turns up on that night (not aware of my situation) comes in and the night is getting later and later (I was thinking please go now I need my time to think what is going on) and low and behold she asks if she can stay (not got spare room, so would sleep on the settee) anyway, first thing in the morning 'off she went'  (don't get me wrong she had serious issues going on - but I was always there for her, treating her how I thought I would be treated... like the joke about wife killing husband and friend saying 'I'll get the shovel')..

Its crazy though people are never how we think they are - from this I decided I wasn't going to tell very many people/family about my situation - I did not want to be become the 'arrrr its a shame for her' or the 'keep away, it's catching'. ..... and my main decider is that my dear mum was 88+ years young at the time - I didn't want mum constantly worrying and constantly asking how I was.

Vivi , you will see and look at like different from now on - the main part is .... I believe when treatment is done - we are the lucky ones, we see life different, how the little things don't matter and how to move forward with it all.

I am sorry you are feeling so poorly with the chemotherapy - the main thing to keep thinking is 'this is natural, you will feel like this and that you are doing this to make sure - belt and bracers. Just know how far you have some so far - you really are doing incredible - take it a day at a time  

Mentally - you need to stop overthinking - your mind will wear you out, it will, our minds are such cruel places they look for the worst in every situation - try and push thoughts off as they come, try listening to the 'mindfulness app's' - they aren't things I would normally have the patience to listen to - yet at this time they really did help.

Sorry I have waffled on - I hope my post makes sense (I've not gone back in to check words and spelling - so good luck haha).

If you have any trouble sleeping pop on to the AWAKE thread - there we all drop in and out at various times night and day..... only thing you will need is to be a bit 'loopy'- it doesn't matter if you aren't but it really does help ..... we call ourselves the 'Fruit Loops'.

Here's a link to the page - just in case......

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer-forum/f/general/128753/awake/1782759#1782759

Thank you Evajean x