Diagnosed with breast cancer recurrence - worried about possible treatment plan and also don't know how to tell my child

You’re doing all the right things, getting the school on side to provide additional support and know if he’s withdrawn. Once I told my daughter she did engage with the school adults but didn’t tell her friends or social group for a very long time. She enjoyed having that space where it wasn’t part of her life, it’s only very recently she’s told them some 4 months into my treatment. She has coped very well as I said but it affects her, we have a dark sense of humour so we’ve a few in jokes that have helped us along. For example any flowers that are delivered are referred to as death flowers, I know that’s dark but it makes us giggle. She came and looked at the treatment ward two weeks ago, just saw where I have my picc cleaned, my reason for that visit so it was short but she wanted to meet the nurses and a friend I’ve made who has pancreatic cancer. I’ve just taken it at her pace. I didn’t tell her anything until the cancer was confirmed but then as I say I told her everything (other than aggressiveness) she knows when I feel unwell and she knows when I have good days and it had strengthened our relationship, every cloud I guess. Your mum must have worked so hard to hide it, I’m sure she had her reasons and things were different then too in many ways. I feel my honest approach has lessened her anxiety as she knows better than anyone what’s happening and she knows I’m not dying at the moment and my prognosis is good and that’s the important thing. She is paranoid about me getting an infection or covid though but as I say to her we can only take precautions and we do. I encourage her to make jokes about it, when I first had my hair wet shaved, she said wouldn’t it be funny to draw on my head so I said go on them! It was funny. You have to find the humour in it if you can. When Sarah Harding died she worried but I was able to explain how hers was found later and how it was different and she understood and accepted. I’ve taken it at her pace and after the initial disclosure I’ve let her ask the questions and answered them as honestly as I dare rather than me disclosing first so I know I’m only answering the questions she’s ready to ask and not overloading her x you sound like a caring intuitive parent and I’m sure you’ll make the right call. Get those facts for you and your hubbie first and then you can make decisions on how to move forward. All the best x

Hi Rhiwbina!

Was wondering how you were getting on after chemo? Glad you aren't too bad at the moment. sending love, I'm still in Chepstow and trying to give up sugar!!

Amanda x

Hi Ros,

I'm sure it is difficult to tell your child whatever age they are. silly question but how did your girls cope with your diagnosis when you told them? i will definitely wait until we know what the treatment will be. i hope it wont be too much longer. The inaction due to waiting is awful. I imagine the cancer growing and growing and its just so awful.

I found myself not being able to sit in the office today. Kept getting teary so i spoke with my boss and came home to work. 

Take care.

Hi Anna

That,s interesting about your daughter not telling her friends for ages. I was expecting that whe i tell my son, he will talk to his friends about it particularly as he is an only child. But perhaps having a parent with cancer makes them different and most children don't want to be different do they.

I love that the dark humour has come out - sometimes you need to make fun in a sick way - i really get that. She sounds like a great daughter - you must be very proud.

Take care x

Hi fhgirl. My eldest is 28 and didn’t take it very well, getting very upset (and she told me later being physically sick). However, during the course of the day we kept talking (when she wanted to) and by later in the afternoon she was much calmer. My other daughter who is 19 and in her second year of university seemed to take it much better (although, because she suffers with anxiety, I didn’t go into as much detail). I was very clear about the diagnosis, what the next steps would be (as far as I know them), and managed to be as upbeat about the whole matter as possible. We even managed some jokes about the whole thing, and laughter seemed to help us all. I know I feel frightened and wretched inside, but as much as I can I try not to let it show. It was incredibly difficult to tell them, but I take some comfort from the fact that they now do know, and both of them have said that they would much rather know than not. Both of them have subsequently told a number of their friends from whom (I hope) they will get support.

There is no right or wrong way, you can only ever do what you think is right for your family. My personal opinion is that telling the truth (in appropriate language for the age and understanding of the children) provides and stronger and more robust foundation for what lies ahead. All the very best. Take care. Ros. 

Yes mines an only child too, she has spoken to some adults, a librarian at school she’s close to, she works every other week at a local stables and spoke to the owner there but it’s taken time to speak to her peers. She did try with one in the beginning but understandably they didn’t know how to handle it and it put her off telling others maybe? And yes you’re right they don’t like to be different. I couldn’t be prouder of her tbh x

Hi Anna

I've just had the letter back from the oncologist detailing everything (well everything we know so far) in black and white. Its a difficult read. Even though it is as discussed, to have it laid out like that is heartbreaking.

And also today, my son got his Kent Test results for grammar and he has passed well. The thought of not  seeing him through school, hurts so much. 

Another thing is i dont fell unwell. Apart from the swelling in the neck lymphs i feel fine.

Obviously you are in the middle of treatment but before you started treatment, did you feel unwell or was your recurrence found by screening?

x

Hi fhgirl. Apologies for the delay replying. My girls are much older than your son (19 and 28) and so it was easier to be more direct. The 28 year old took it very badly and we had a very difficult day together. The 19 year old seems to have taken it much better. The day after telling them both (they were told on different days for various reasons), we were all much calmer and able to get some perspective. Like so many on this forum the waiting is the most difficult and this is what the girls are finding difficult too. Because they are older they have been able to tell friends. I have been careful with both of them to tell them the truth, but at the moment I do not know the complete truth. Like others here we have managed laughter (we have a rather black sense of humour as a family) and whilst I appreciate that many people would be appalled, it does help to lighten things. A friend of mine was 8 when her mother was diagnosed with BC - her parents didn’t tell her anything at all and she says that it made things very difficult because she never understood what was happening and why it was happening. Others on this forum have made such helpful comments.Only you can decide what is best for your son. Personally, I feel that telling the truth, in a sensitive manner, although initially extremely difficult, may in the long run be easier than concealing it. It may also take the pressure off you because you won’t be trying to ‘act normally’ when life is anything but. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best. Ros. 

I’m so sorry it’s the news you expected. Is it an exact reoccurrence or a different BC if you don’t mind me asking? No I was totally well, found the lump ironically enough on the weekend I went to comfort a friend who had just been diagnosed with BC. I went to show her my RT tattoos and how the scar looked now to reassure her she would be ok. She has a nuts puppy, big American bulldog Staffie cross that kept trying to mount me from behind and he banged my breast and bruised it. The night I got home I was lying down and thought damn that hurts, touched my boob and there it was. As it was my second incidence they fast tracked me. I’d been screened for 6 years and nothing and then the one year I’m not screened…….No illness, like you totally well. Congratulations to your clever son! Get thoughts out of your head that you won’t see him through it. None of us know where we’ll end up but hope, as painful as it can be us all we’ve bloody got. You will see him through it is the only way to think for now until you know otherwise for sure. Huge hugs to you x

Hi Anna

It's a recurrence of breast cancer but it's now in the lymph nodes in my neck and just below my collarbone. The oncologist did a breast exam and said everything was normal.

Had you been taking any medication at the time you found the second lump?

I know I need to banish thoughts of not being here for my son but I'm so fearful and tearful at the moment. We were all discussing the brilliant result and schools with my husband and he seemed so mature, it brought a huge lump to my throat.

Hugs and best wishes to you x