Starting to avoid people because of the silly things they say!!

It is so hard knowing what to say to people.  I lost my mother to Bowel cancer when I was 24 and in those days - 1988 no mobile phones so no text from people who wanted to let me know they were thinking about me it was phone calls.  My mother was taken ill quite suddenly and then given weeks to live.  News soon spread so most evenings when I got home from seeing my mother I had phone calls asking how she was.  I was so tempted to say "still dying".    I'm really not sure what they expected me to say.  There would be no miracles, the priest said she'd made her peace.  She didn't want to talk to us about it.  On the Sunday before she died she was home in bed and I'd made a cottage pie.  I was helping her eat some and I could feel myself getting upset as I was feeding her off a tea spoon.  I made an excuse I needed loo to leave the room.  Later my father said to me, in a kind way, to try to control my emotions as my mother had noticed I was upset and this upset her as I was her baby - I'm the youngest child.  He was right to tell me, she didn't need my tears.    I think it's ok to tell your sister you don't need her tears at the moment.  It stuck with me when my eldest sister diagnosed with brain tumour.  There would be no good outcome we talked a bit but she was holding back.   I asked her if she wanted to talk to someone outside the family, a specialised counsellor.  She said yes but sadly time wasn't on our side.  

I am so with you on this my pet hate is  “you’re so strong you got through it” yes I maybe strong but I don’t feel strong, I didn’t feel strong when I was throwing up from chemo, and could barely eat anything,  definitely did not feel strong as I sobbed my heart out when my long, thick, dark curly hair fell out in the shower after my first round of chemo, (oh it’ll grow back) they say, grrr, yeah ok it is but it’s so short I can’t do anything with it and it’s grey! And I definitely don’t feel strong now I’m suffering side effects from tamoxifen, it’s so bad it takes all my effort to just get out of bed! But yes I get on with it because us cancer sufferers do “just get on with it” and I’m still here when so many are not so I am grateful for that. I wish you well for the future. 

Completely agree & understand. I have breast cancer and literally have had all the above happen to me. I think mostly it is a case of lack of understanding but sometimes the comments are so ignorant, even coming from supposed close family members. It is frustrating.. if I hear one more time that things will be ‘Back to normal’ soon I will scream! 

I even get irritated by people saying “sorry” !!! Have you bumped into me?  have you knocked me or spilt anything etc. etc. ? I simply don’t get it, ask how the person is and mean it, but I don’t think you have anything to feel sorry for other than the fact I have got it and they haven’t. Like you I use humour as my default

I agree. I think people don't know what to say so utter something inane and it doesn't come across well. I'd rather people say I don't know what to say to that.

Yes I'm using humour a bit too. Yes I come across positive but thats just me trying to cope with it all. In reality, I've been shit scared and still get anxious at new visits (CT scan and radiotherapy planning next) but having made it through surgery I know I need to keep going.  Like others its still an experience but do feel for others who I know have it worse and harder than me.

Back to normal is what you say after the pandemic but regardless of covid, life won't be back to normal or the same and its that adjustment thats really hard. 

Keep going all ... take one day at a time xx

Some people say the most  stupid things don’t they 

Agree wholeheartedly.  My radiotherapy is commonly known as the place where they nuke my boob! Only those on the same journey can empathise with what we are going through and no two people will have the same journey but talking and posting is a good way to share our experiences x

I've coped with it all from the very start by using a combination of denial and humour - sometimes very dark humour. I still recall two of us ladies who got along very well in fits of giggles at the initial Breast Clinic I went to at the start. I then felt I had to apologise for giggling so much, deciding we didn't like the brusque manner of the radiographer in the Mobile mammography Unit and therefore she must have done the testing wrong and we knew much better .......it's a way of coping with the unknown awfulness of a situation we know we can't cope with emotionally. I said to the lovely nurses we were very nervous. They didn't mind the giggling and seemed to feel it was a good thing. Better than crying probably because we were actually going ahead with the biopsies as well as the giggling. Better than a deathly silence I think.

When I had tonsil cancer it was horrendous and I got through somehow cos i had to. My friend saw my sister and said about what I had gone through and she said, well she is alright now. I still get worried when I get a pain in my neck or  sore throat and the worry of it coming back is always there. She hasn't got a clue, and now I have breast cancer just as I was getting fit again and my taste was starting to come back and all was looking promising. Life is a bitch, as they say.

My reply won't be of any help I'm sure but I totally agree. How very STUPID of people to say such a thing to you, it's so meaningless and yet at the same time 'they' no doubt feel they have said something deeply profound when in fact it is glib and unhelpful and dismissive of your well-founded fears. I'd just straight out tell them that you're probably feeling a darn sight more positive than they would in such a situation.