Starting to avoid people because of the silly things they say!!

Am I alone in wondering why people say the most ridiculous things to me in an attempt to empathise maybe or be helpful? How do you cope with it? From lectures on dropping dairy, turmeric curing me, friends who sailed through chemo because they were ‘ strong’ , all that warrior language irritates me, you’re the strongest person I know you’ll kick it’s arse, you need to be brave, only strong minded people get through this. Oh you’ve had to shave your head? Shame you could’ve saved it, not likely it was coming out in chunks, at least you’ll get ready quicker, less time in the shower, great to be signed off work in the summer though! My aunt/friend/work colleague had it and tried xyz, they were amazing, they died sadly!!!! I could go on on but recently my patience is wearing thin and my smile and words of thanks are slipping somewhat. A friend texted me and said don’t worry you’ll be fine and I could help it, asked for a look in her crystal ball!! 

How do others cope with it? My default is humour but it’s running out!!!!

  • No offence but your post is identical to so many written on this site over the years I've been on it .  We did have a humorous thread a few years ago listing the comments !   There was also a thread about those shaving their head to support cancer suffers.  They feel they doing a good thing.  Watchers laugh and say how brave they are yet it irritated the hell out of women who don't find it brave or funny losing all their body hair not just their scalp hair - I learnt from this thread that you can no longer pee straight due to losing your hair.  Macmillan were made aware of women's feelings but they decided to continue to promote Brave the Shave campaign !

    So back to welling meaning friends who are actually trying to make themselves feel better about your diagnosis.  I will say what I've said before.  It's not your job to mane them feel better.  It's ok to say 'I know I will get through this but at the moment I'm still dealing with being told I have cancer.  I need time to process & grieve for my pre cancer life".  Then cry and thank them for listening to you but end with saying how hard you find it when people trivialise your diagnosis.  That you know they mean well but it's very unhelpful as they don't understand the impact.  Cry again and say you have to go.  Alternatively just tell them to fox trot Oscar.  

    it's exhausting putting on the happy face and being strong when you are awake at 3am having a panic attack so just focus on yourself and come here to talk


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  • Thank you Anna. Blushagree with beatthebeast too...but sometimes !

  • None taken!! Not surprised at all I’m not the first grumpy cow to gripe about it!! I’ll have a look on that link too, glad your out the other side, thanks for responding xx

  • This reminded me I used to get annoyed with non close family and with friends who seemed to think I needed to know they are upset / devastated or praying for me since my diagnosis.  I couldn't  worry about their feelings, it's bad enough having to cope with my own and immediate family's reaction.

    Then when I returned it work.  Everyone told me how well I looked now.  Did I look ill before?  

  • Yup bloody annoying! Someone I hardly know told me they cried all day for me! My marriage broke up 2.5 years ago after being with him since I was 16, I was devastated although now appreciate not being married but. My daughter was pulling out her lashes and hair, I became severely depressed as much about my life disappearing as my marriage as I was dumped almost immediately by my ‘family unit ’ friends, nobody for the husband to talk to at bbqs we used to share, etc. We didn’t fit anymore. I rebuilt our life. Then I get diagnosed and my text messages abound with offers of support, that I know will not materialise and text messages saying we’re thinking of you, if there’s anything we can do…… yes get lost!!! I needed you before but depressed abandoned friend is not as interesting as friend with cancer. I can almost hear them, oh yes my friend has cancer, I’m supporting them as best I can!! Hmmmmm! No you’re just giving me more texts to respond to and doing nothing except gossiping actually. I’m being a proper cow now!

  • Single mum.of boy 13 here. With you all the way Anna with those feelings.

  • It's good to let it out isn't it.  All those pent up feelings of resentment and the fact you e matured to release you don't need fair weather friends.  I hope you and your daughter are doing ok.  There's a name for pulling out hair.  Can't remember now but i pulled out my eyelashes for years until they got very sparse.  Now I pull my eyebrows out.  I find it so therapeutic.  I also enjoy peeling skin,  I've discovered these foot socks for removing hard skin.  You soak feet, wear socks for an hour, then in a few days it peels off in sheets.   I love it a bit too much !

  • It really is!!! Yes it’s called Trich for short or Trichotillomania!! I’ve distracted her from that with spot picking now she’s 12Rofl we both find that therapeutic, I’ll try the feet thing, a mate of mine also said she loves doing that, I swear we’re all nuts!!

  • I can so relate to this! I also didn’t want to tell anyone, only my husband and adult children, and since we don’t have any other family living nearby (the closest is 400 miles away, furthest is 6,000 miles) I thought it would be somewhat easy to keep my diagnosis ‘quiet’. However, I did tell my sister as I had to cancel a planned visit for September (she lives abroad). Despite asking her not to tell anyone else, my sister then called other members of the family with the “news” and also told her friends. I was furious when I found out. Her reasoning? “You’ll feel better now that it’s out in the open”. I felt my decisions and choices had not been respected and didn’t need to be told how I should feel. I then had a family member crying down the phone to me which made feel even worse. Thanks a bunch!