I guess this is a bit of a hello, a couple of questions and a lot of trying to let go of worries.
I have spent the last 6 years escaping an abusive marriage and finally myself and the girls seemed to be regaining some sense of life... except I have now done all preop appointment before I will have surgery for breast cancer.
In a weird way I am okay with surgery but I am worried as one girl gets awful anxiety and one overthinks everything. I have talked through a lot with the older one (16) but as she got very worried I have not used the word cancer. The younger one I have not gone into it as much with but know I will have to - was thinking this weekend so we had time together where I could keep reassuring/answer any questions (she is 13).
I cannot ask for help from family - there are not many of them and parents are held hours away by the fact one is imminently having a very serious operation and the other is having treatment following a serious health crisis (the first parent had delayed until they knew the other was okay again). My sister is too far away. This means I will have to rely on friends - which there are some around I know I can ask for help from.
I know the operation will be in the next two weeks. It is discrete but very invasive and they suspect 3 so therefore may require chemo but best case will be radiotherapy and it turns out just to be 2 instead. We will see but they are being very cautious in their reassurance.
I am also anxious as I know there will be silly issues - my arms don't straighten and if laid by my sides the nerves get pinched and I get pins and needles in my hands. My vessels are very small and hard to access. My nerves and blood vessels are not in standard arrangement. My breast has continued to hurt since the biopsy. It was like a very painful electric shock. It is like a dull electric shock now with skin irritation on top. It is growing quickly. It was not that visible a month ago but in that lovely way cancer does it is growing exponentially and is clearly visible now. Another silly issue - after I had babies they could not feed me anything gluten free - so hoping a lot that they will be able to feed me in hospital! And the big worry for me - I don't do well taking pills because I have a very strong gag reflex. I can manage half a small caplet with fizzy drink but not always and often I will swallow then up it comes again. I end up grinding pills up and I have 5 years of this to come...at least. It just seems mad. I am worried before the operation I will get dehydrated as my whole life I have hated water. It makes me feel sick. Apparently I threw a bottle of water given to me as a small child and never accepted it despite being given it many times. I have never been able to drink straight water - and I will make myself and try to stay relaxed and keeping thinking this time I will not be sick... have to remain hopeful...
Not really sure what direction this rant-like brain-dump is going in - I am tired but sleep as badly as ever, wish I hadn't put down symptoms to a long-standing medical condition/early perimenopause and so glad I decided to act on the suspected lump. Lucky in so many ways and I trust the surgeons but to be honest if anyone has advice for coping as a single parent or taking pills I am all ears... any advice is welcome - including how to keep supporting two teenage girls who overthink everything and have been known to self-harm to cope with stress.
I just feel I need to offload to someone but equally I know face to face with others - I hate being fussed over or asked if I am okay - or having anything about me shared with other mutual friends (a friend recently did this and it felt a bit like a betrayal - it wasn't but I could help thinking she could have asked before just telling other people especially as I hadn't told my girls at that point. They had been lovely and taken me to the hospital when they said I should not drive myself but bring someone - so I also feel very ungrateful and petulant - a bit of a spoiled brat...)
I think years of abuse has taken its toll. I can give support to others but I am amongst the worst at receiving it - and yet I can acknowledge I am tired and a bit scared. I am under very clear instructions not to die (the eldest again) and I definitely do not plan on doing that. I have never had an operation so I don't think that is helping my anxiety either.
but equally - hi xx
