New diagnosis

Firstly, sorry you're on this path too x

To answer, Kind of?

I had biopsies, and then went to get my results with a work colleague ... thinking we'd get lunch ... obvs wasn't expecting the result i got. Oops!

I told everyone I needed to at work when we returned to the building. Told my boyfriend. Told my closest friends, 2 of whom were an absolute godsend and I wouldn't have coped as well as I did without them...

However, I couldn't tell any of my family as my sister was heavily pregnant, and my mum was supporting her. I didn't want to do anything to stress out my sister, or to divide my mum's attention.

Way I saw it, I was fine! Totally well. All I had was new knowledge that I didn't have before. And my friends supported me through all the testing as the hospital got a better view of my situation & came up with their plan.

Sister had a healthy gorgeous baby. And I'm not gonna lie, I did try to come up with another arbitrary reason to delay telling them ... cos its shit news, its scary, and I didn't wanna!

But I put on my big girl pants, and everyone took it surprisingly well. It also meant when I told them, I had actual information about the general plan for my treatment rather than just "Yo, got a donkey tit!".

I did encourage my partner to tell people to support him too. He told a couple of friends and his folks. Some of his people were very vocal that I was making a mistake, and that they'd be mad or whatever if info like this was withheld from them! But you know what they say about options being like buttholes (everyone's got one!).

I don't regret delaying telling my fam. Like you, i looked at my situation and made a decision that I firmly believed was right, I can justify it, and no-one in my family even really questioned it. The focus wasn't "why are we hearing this 2 weeks late?" ... it was "Omg, what can we do? What do you need?"

I think you're right not to tell your kids yet. And to put it as its most basic, this is actually your private medical info. No-one is obliged to get that. If you do share, it should only ever be on your terms, at the right time for you.

I'm still getting the hang of this site, but I can friend request if you wanna chat? I'm not consistently online but you're welcome to vent as needed and I will reply xxx

Wow!  I was just typing a post on this very subject, but didn’t post it earlier as I felt I must be a bit odd to want to keep my diagnosis private (until such time as I might have to convey it to all and sundry).  I was diagnosed with stage 2, grade 3 breast cancer in September and decided to tell (apart from my husband), only my children and their partners, and my best friend.  They were all aware that I felt this was a private matter, at this time.  We are having a small family Christmas and then 12 of us are booked for lunch out on Boxing Day.  I found out today, that despite my express wish, my son in law has told his parents, his brothers and their girlfriends, some of our friends blah….blah, and my vision of a ‘normal’ Christmas is no more.  I can’t tell you how upset I feel, I just wanted to be out to lunch, with extended family and friends and everything to be as before, and now I just don’t want to go.  They’ll all mean well, but I’ll still be the family member ‘with cancer’, which is exactly what I didn’t want.  I’m so angry with my (otherwise lovely) son in law, I could scream.

Sorry, I should have ended this post by saying, this is your diagnosis, your medical information and you should have complete control over who you share it with, when, and how much.  No one, neither a family member nor a friend, should judge or take offense, whether you choose to tell them your news two hours down the line (from diagnosis), or two months!

Hi

I'm sorry you're going through this. I haven't told my family either. Totally understand why you haven't.  Are you not sure if its the right thing to do? Its a hard and personal choice.  I truly wish you well for treatment. Im glad you have your husband x

Thank you x

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I will tell them all, once Christmas is over. I’ll remember you’re there if I need to vent x

Hi. I was diagnosed in October last year. I had 2 operations, chemo and radiotherapy and to date not told anyone except obviously my fiance. My reason for this was because I had a 4 year old who had just started school. I wanted a completely normal life for her. I didn’t want to tell friends who talked about it at home and the children over hearing. I didn’t want people taking over when I was capable of doing things. I felt if I didn’t tell anyone I could just carry on as normal and I did. My mother is a very negative person and I knew if I told her she would feed me negative things which I didn’t want. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me and I didn’t want people looking at my child and saying her mum has cancer. 

I also find it quite upsetting to talk about, I’m full of why me and regrets of past choices (taking contraception pill, drinking in 20’s). I hope one day I can talk about it and tell my friends but I’m not there yet. 

Some may think it’s odd to not tell people but you don’t tell people how much you earn, your sex life so why should you tell them your health issues. 

Hi all, very interesting topic and a very individual choice, as it should be. Your body, your information, your choice re who you tell, and how much.
In my case, I delayed telling anyone at all initially (including my husband) as my daughter was about to go travelling, potentially for up to 2 years. She was starting off on a research project in a jungle where internet would seldom be available. I couldn’t bear to think that she might not go because I had cancer. Or, later, that she might learn indirectly through social media. So when I came back from that initial visit to the breast clinic, when the doctor was very clear that it looked like cancer, I just said to family, friends and work, that I was having a minor op to have a lump removed, and implied that it would be like I’d had previously - I’d had a fibroadenoma removed some years before. I played it all down, said I’d just be off work for a couple of weeks. I waved my daughter off at the airport 2 days later. By the time she had done her month in the jungle and had arrived in Australia, I’d had my op so I told her that I had cancer and would be having hormone treatment and radiotherapy. We had told my son (in Canada) by then but nobody else. Once she knew I felt able to tell everybody else. I actually wanted people to know and that they got their information from me as I didn’t want them all speculating. But that’s just me. I also told work the full details and they were great (I was a special needs teacher). In the end I didn’t go back to work for 4 months. 
So I think we’re all different in who we want to tell and how much. It’s maddening when anyone else thinks they have the right to tell your ‘news’. Such an invasion of privacy. Love and hugs, HFxx 

I was diagnosed May 25, had lumpectomy July 25, 9 radiotherapy sessions September 25 , hopefully that’s it they don’t want to see me again until July 26  a year after lumpectomy unless I feel something wrong. But, to answer your question. I didn’t want to tell anyone, including my husband ( didn’t want him to worry) but obviously I had to due to op etc. I didn’t want anyone else to know but after thinking about it I realised he needed someone to talk to so I felt I was being unfair. Then went totally the other way and told everyone. I am so glad I did because the support from everyone was amazing and I didn’t have to watch what I was saying all the time.

everyone is different so do what is right for you. Take care x