Hi, i've never really reached out to a group like this before, but i'm willing to do just about anything to be the best partner i can.
My long time gf was diagnosed with breast cancer last year at 30 years old. She's been through several treatments, and it looks like we caught it early enough to make a difference. She's been unphased by most of it (save one moment before surgery), but it's, quietly, destroyed me. For the last year i've been im turmoil over the whole thing. I feel guilt/ashamed for feeling this way given that it's not my life on the line, so i haven't told her that i'm still struggling to deal with it a year on.
I just wanted to know if there's any other partners/family members on here that went through the same thing? Am i selfish for feeling this way so far along even if she still seems unphased by it all? I don't know what i'm expecting as a response, but i'm about ready to request therapy to deal with this in a healthy way...just knowing how others might have coped in the same situation might help? I'm sorry if this isn't the right forum for this
Hi Cooper911
What a lovely boyfriend you are! It sounds as if your first thoughts when she was diagnosed was that she was going to die. As you have said it was caught early enough to make a difference and the fear of losing her has hit you for 6! I bet she has been going through exactly the same emotions as you and sometimes I do think it harder for the loved ones than those of us going through it - because we are actually doing something - by attending the treatments. Whereas all the loved ones can do is watch their partner going through it, but with all the same emotions. When going through it, I was petrified, but decided for my own mental state that I would treat it as 'just another illness - like a broken bone or something similar' and that helped me to look as though, to everyone else that I was unphased, just like your girlfriend.
One thing I will say is that despite what you may think / have thought breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers and treatments advancing year on year. It is massively prevalent - perhaps the number of posts on the breast cancer group show this and because it is so prevalent lots of research has gone into it. When I was a youngster (1970's) a friend of mine lost her Mum to breast cancer and in those days, that's what seemed to happen. These days it is totally different. I was diagnosed just over 5 years ago and the number of people I knew that told me after I'd been diagnosed that they'd had breast cancer was astounding. There are so many women getting on with their lives having survived breast cancer. Within the last 5 years, ladies have new scans to improve their treatment plans which wasn't available at my hospital when I was diagnosed, so it does show just how quickly things improve.
When I went to radiotherapy, there was an 89 year old lady sat there waiting for her hospital car to pick her up after her treatment. It gave me comfort to think that clearly it's not such a killer as it was when I was a youngster as they wouldn't spend money on treatment for someone of such an age if they didn't think that it was worth it (does that make sense?)
It might be worth (a) talking to your girlfriend about your feelings as has already been said as I do strongly suspect she will be feeling just the same as you or (b) if you don't want to do that, go to your doctors and ask for a counselling appointment.
5 years down the line, I can tell you that all those awful feelings have mostly passed - so, time after finishing treatment is a great help.
Kindest wishes, Lesley
