Just joined - Anyone else feeling like this?

I can completely relate to this. I had a mastectomy six weeks ago and although recovery has been slow, I felt weirdly underwater through the surgery.  Now that I’ve had my histology  results back and they are all clear of course I’m relieved. 

but I hadn’t got my head around having cancer in the first place.  

went for a prosthetic fitting today. Brought it home and when my kids innocently started playing with it I burst into tears. Being in front of that full length mirror trying on bras and boobs was more draining than I expected. 

take care - and you’re entitled to feel sorry for yourself. You need the time you need. X

I really hate it when people comment on how brave and strong we are, it does make you feel you can’t be anything but and in weaker moments I have pulled people up on it. People mean well but they don’t think things through. The psychological aspect of cancer is really tough and you’re still facing ongoing treatment so it’s not over, and it really does make you feel anxious. We’re all guilty of diminishing our own experience compared to others but each of us had been through our own dreadful experience and in reality for us all it’s bloody tough. Hope venting it on here has helped x

Please don’t feel guilty, you feel how you feel. I was also told I was brave etc., etc., but I felt like I went on auto pilot during treatment, attended all appointments on my own due to Covid restrictions. Radiotherapy sessions finished in August and I’m now on hormone therapy. I expected to feel more positive after treatment but it’s been the opposite. It takes time to recover both physically and mentally, there’s no time limit, be easy on yourself. xx

Haveacuppa Eline & Anna12345 Thank you so much. it's so cathartic just being able to express these things. My husband is so great and listens to my rants but is obviously going through his own processing etc. It's also just hard to express feelings that you really don't even understand yourself. xx

I’m having one of those days too; I also found a lump a couple of months ago; node clear but grade 3 which means I’ve got to undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy in the New Year. Like you everyone keeps saying what a strong person I am; am I is the question I keep asking myself, because I don’t know if I am that strong, or feel that strong right now. People who love and care for us know that we have got to be strong to get through our treatment and that’s way they say this, they are our shoulders for us to cry on and the ones that will keep us going through it. 

Davcarmel thank you. I know people mean well, I get it and I have probably said the same to people previously. I feel so thankful that I have people around me who care. I think some days I just want to shout "I don't want to have to be strong or brave". Good luck to you with your treatment

Everyone's story is different and can effect people in different ways with their coping mechanism. I was a bit like you. Things moved so fast, I barely had time to absorb it all. I felt like crap and now still have off days. Yes I feel lucky that it was caught early and although its been really hard going, I am aware that others have suffered way more so feel I shouldn't whinge. Its an emotional and mental ringer no matter the scale and size and you do need to give yourself time to cope with it. You are perfectly allowed to feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. All I would advise is don’t keep it in - talk to someone be it family or ring Macmillan, or write it down. Or post here, we are here for you x

I couldn't believe it when I read your post - it could have been written by me.  I had appointment on 18th Oct & same surgery as you on 17th Nov.  Got my results yesterday (longest 4 weeks of  my life)- clear margins & clear lymph nodes.  I've been told I'm not eligible for oncotype DX test as my NPI score is 3.3 & needs to be 3.5 to qualify.  I really want that test to be sure the decision not to give me chemo is definitely the right one so my case is going back to MDT next week to ask.

Despite that, I know my pathology results are excellent & I should be feeling really happy about it & the fact I probably "only" need radiotherapy & hormone suppression tablets, but since I found out I can't stop crying.   Work mates are being really supportive & telling me how brave I've been going back to work already but the reality is I feel a complete wreck & am only at work so I don't sit at home in tears. 

I'm struggling to enjoy any Christmas festivities & just feel it's getting in the way of getting my treatment started with the inevitable shut down over Christmas & I just want it over & done with.

I feel like my hospital team are very dismissive as my cancer was small & seemingly hasn't spread & that I should just be grateful about that, when the fact is it has totally sideswiped me, having never really been ill in my life & being a previously fit & healthy 51 year old.

 I just feel like I've lost the old me & have now become a cancer patient & I'm not very good at it.  I guess it's going to take time to absorb the trauma of the last few weeks, but the pressure to "be strong" is unbearable some days, although most people probably have no idea that’s how I'm feeling because in public I keep smiling..........

Haveacuppa

Can relate, I totally still cannot see myself in a full length mirror without crying my eyes out. When though when I got clothes on, and can go about everyday business, when I stop and remember what I have, I crumble and feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Its really so emotional and I got no control over it...I haven't got my prosthesis yet.

C x

And that sounds like me too especially last 2 paragraphs! It does get better coming to terms with what we have been through but it does take a lot of time xx