New here, highly anxious

Hi there everyone,

This is very new to me, apologies in advance if this turns out to be a long post.

I was diagnosed in April with breast cancer, I’m 32, have three kids, one being a baby. The diagnosis as I’m sure you’re all aware has devastated my family, I don’t have a large family but the relatives I do have are really struggling as am I.

Began chemotherapy in May, it made me SO sick. Various admissions to A&E with dehydration through sickness, they reduced the dose, increased anti-sickness meds, I was having treatment every other week. Next, I was admitted to hospital with severe pain at the site of the tumours (I had 3, two in my breast and one covering lymph nodes, triple negative and HER2+). Oncologist came to see me and visually examined me, said that chemotherapy wasn’t working and they needed to change tactics and move to another type of treatment. I’ll say now - I’ve been so traumatised by everything - that I didn’t look into the names of treatments properly or the detailed side effects because I was so petrified - not knowing what was ahead of me was better than knowing. Anyway, moved onto the next type of treatment, and again no joy. At first it seemed like it was responding but the oncologist kept a close eye and decided it wasn’t working. I didn’t have any scans to confirm this which made me slightly sceptical but I had to go with what she said. She decided surgery had to be brought forward - the original plan was for chemotherapy first then surgery after several sessions. They rushed surgery through and I had it last week, mastectomy plus lymph node clearance. They used stomach tissue to close the wound where my breast was but couldn’t get enough to reconstruct the breast properly so I have one larger than the other - at this stage I don’t care about this - I’m just feeling like I live in a permanent nightmare. Since April this year my life has been entirely on hold and consisted only of cancer. I can’t think of anything else. The surgeon who assessed me several times (didn’t carry out the surgery herself due to undergoing a procedure herself and being absent from work) told me she wasn’t confident they’d be able to remove all the cancer, in fact she didn’t even believe they’d be able to close the wound properly. I had a plastic surgeon do that part. 
ive spent the last few months barely able to eat, this is due to the sickness but now the sheer anxiety and how much power that appears to have over me now. I had anxiety before this diagnosis but managed it by myself fairly well. But since this, I’ve seriously struggled with my anxiety and have now had several anxiety attacks - the last one being last week whilst in hospital after the op. The nurse was struggling to know what to say to me in the end, I wasn’t able to compose myself very well. I can’t find any appetite and go days without eating. They’ve tried giving me build up drinks like Ensure but I can’t even stomach those. I just don’t feel hungry. I’m still on morphine patches at the moment - I was put on these before surgery due to the pain the tumours were causing me, as I couldn’t hold down any morphine tablets - and I’m wondering if the patches could actually be making me feel nauseous like the tablets did. But the Dr says I mustn’t just come off them without being weaned off so I have to wean off first. I don’t feel I need them any longer but they’ve warned me that I could end up withdrawing from the morphine if I don’t come off it properly. 
I keep typing and so much more keeps coming to mind for me to say but none of you have enough time to listen and reply - there’s so much! I’m trying to stick to the main points. Since the op, I’m mentally struggling. I called my GP today to try and get some help but can’t get an appointment at the moment because they’re fully booked. I keep feeling afraid to move, like the wound is going to reopen, but then I am also aware that I have to keep moving a little bit to recover properly. Just going to the loo, I’m scared. I felt a weird pang earlier under the reconstructed bit and freaked out thinking something was going to start pouring out or I’d end up back in hospital again - I’ve developed a huge fear of the place since spending so much time there via emergency admissions recently. 

anyway. So sorry for going on. I don’t even know what anyone can say, I guess I am looking for better ways of managing my mental health to therefore improve my diet/appetite. I keep telling myself there are people out there who’ve been through this but I’m struggling to believe that at this point now? Like I feel so alone, that I can’t imagine anyone else feeling like this? I’ve never been one for taking meds for my mental health but am starting to think this may be the route I have to go down in order to get through this. 

thanks in advance for any words and I hope you’re all ok.