Mixed feelings

Hi 

Im so sorry you are feeling like this - the night can play horrible tricks on us too if we can’t sleep.What you are feeling is very common, I am no expert but just drawing on my own experience, I think it is a lack of control, suddenly everything in our life is up in the air and we have no idea where it will all land, or what might be broken in the fall. I had/have  a great network of family and friends who were fab, but that doesn’t stop the loneliness, no-one else can understand what you are thinking and feeling. What I can say is it will start to feel a bit better, particularly once you have your results and know the next part of your treatment. I know you have said you don’t want to talk to anyone, but if you change your mind the charity breastcancernow is a fantastic resource and you will be able to talk to people who do understand as they have been where you are now.

I can’t advise you on dating, but probably you need to concentrate on your recovery and finding your new normal before you go down the dating route again? 

This site is also full of lovely people who will be there for a chat online or a distraction, the Awake thread was set up by  LondonLassa few years ago when she was in a similar position to you, but everyone is very supportive and friendly and in normal times several of the women have met up, I think once COVID is over the plan is to have a meet up again. 

I know I am not the same person I was, and have changed, but what I have tried to do is hold onto positives - I found my lump and could get treatment to be hopefully “cured”  rather than finding it once the cancer had spread, and think of myself as very lucky to have the chance of a long, hopefully happy life, that others don’t always have. You may not feel that at present as you have so much going on, but trying to think of positives helped me.

I am hoping you managed to have a sleep and feel a bit better once you wake up, and fingers crossed your results are good tomorrow.

Jo x

Hi Jo,

This was very helpful.  I got my results and will be going for radiotherapy planning next week. It is true that there are a lot of positives.  Doesn't stop one from feeling bad though.

Thank you for everything. 

Xx

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You are absolutely right and you have every right to feel negative thoughts - you have had a life changing thing happen to you, one that everyone (who hasn’t been in the situation) thinks you just need to get over and move on , but we know it is easier said than done. Allow yourself some time to grieve for your  “old” life , where you didn’t think about cancer many times a day,. You will have good times and bad times , but the good times will get more frequent. You are still having treatment so your emotions will be really raw at present..You will get there xx

Jo x

Good point about grieve for your old life. I have finished my treatment, but now realise that’s one of the things it would be helpful to do Thznks

I have been off this forum for a while. I am thankful for all the wonderful responses. I am indeed going through high highs and low lows in my emotions.  I have found Macmillan helpline to be quite useful.

The trouble is, cancer does seem to be all consuming. I get quite annoyed when people seem to think I am unable to drive myself to appts and should be "resting", and do I really think its safe for me to do gardening. I like to think I'm still normal....though a nipple short of a picnic. How's the radiotherapy going ? I have this all to come.

I’m quite please to read this, because I’m terrified of how I could be feeling. It’s the unknown of what treatment especially chemo could do.   I’m fearing the worst, and am reassured to hear you are still normal   -

I’ve never been normal, more outspoken and a bit nutty. Cancer seems to have loosened my tongue, I just tell people to piss off!  It’s not winning me any friends

Ha ha ! Same here. We went round a friend's house to find out the easiest route to Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge, as they'd been there before.  Ended up very near friendless because they started a row about how I shouldn't go unaccompanied, husband felt it was none of their business and I felt it wasn't fair to drag someone so many miles 5 times a week for 3 weeks of radiotherapy. This is one of the reasons people don't tell anyone they've got cancer. Can so easily end in tears.....

I had radio. nearly 4 years ago (definitely pre Covid times) and the 3 ladies that all went at a similar time to me all came alone to radio. too.  A couple of people who were attending their first appointments brought someone with them, but it wasn't that frequent.  So, it's actually quite normal to go on your own - especially as you're not there that long really - might be a bit of a wait for the machine at times, but other than that, 15 minutes and you're done!

I happily drove the 60 mile round trip for the 3 weeks without any concerns.  

Make sure you drink, drink, drink when you have radio.  as it REALLY helps to prevent fatigue.  IF you do get fatigue, then obviously that is the time to call on someone to drive you there.  

Best wishes, Lesley