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Hi everyone/anyone,

This is my first time reaching out to others, and that is a very unusual thing for me to do and feels like a weakness at the moment, something I need to work on.

I was diagnosed with lobular cancer in June this year, when I first found out they told me it was very treatable and I would only need a lumpectomy, turns out that there was more cancer in several areas and this meant I needed a mastectomy, they said my lymph nodes showed no sign of cancer but they took 2 to be sure, recovery from this was pretty easy and I dealt with it with a positive mindset and smiled as I went. Results showed disease in both lymph nodes so a clearance was booked, they were still confident that it was not in any others and reassured that I may just need hormone therapy and maybe some radiation. Recovery from this was tough, stayed positive and continued to smile. Results, in 4 of the 8 so total of 6 of the 10. Chemo, radiation, hormone therapy, targeted therapy and my ovaries removed was the new recommendation. Remained positive, 1st session of chemo booked for 26th Nov, however the new operation site got infected and refused to heal, chemo pushed back to 8th Dec. By this point I have been on antibiotics for 2 months, I have thrush and my stomach has been ruined. Surgery booked to re-open and re-close, chemo pushed back until Jan, I’m happy I get to have Christmas with my family, it has been wonderful, now however I am petrified, I’m too scared to feel positive but now everyone has come to expect me to smile through it all and I feel like I’m letting people down.
I am so scared of having chemo and radiotherapy, I don’t know if I even want to go through with it now. I’m sick of not feeling like me and these are just going to make me feel worse but is that giving up? I don’t want to give up but I don’t know if I can face it. I don’t want to getter sick, I don’t want to feel like a poorly person. I want to just enjoy my family, my children and feel like the old me.
I can’t sleep now but I also have no get up and go and my head is just constantly going around the idea of just having no more treatment.

I’m sorry for the long rant and right after Christmas.

thank you for reading, I did post this in the can’t sleep and a lady suggested posting on the forum for the cancer I have so here I am.

Charlene

LH18 1 hour ago

Hi Charlene. What you’re feeling is so valid. What I would say is that what you’re imagining is worse than what it will actually be like. I did 4 months of chemo- I had days where I felt drained, depressed and poorly but they were 3-4 days after each cycle and in between I felt normal! In those 4 months, I took my little girl to school, went for lunch with friends, went for weekends away. Normal things. Im not particularly brave or strong but you just have to go one day at a time! You’ve got this!!!

Anna12345 1 hour ago

Welcome, hopefully posting here will help you a little, it’s always better to let it out. No wonder you’re over it, it’s been 6 months of taking blows, you’ve still got the rest to come, you’re already exhausted, no wonder you’re feeling the way you do, you’re so depleted. It’s is exhausting trying to put on a brave face all the time too. It also feels so daunting to have so much ahead of you. I don’t know where we get the energy from, but somehow you drag yourself through it. And one day at a time you keep going and then end up one day with it behind you and thinking, crikey, how did I do that? Today is a low day, excitement of Christmas done, now the dreaded work ahead, also you’ll be knackered after Christmas and that doesn’t help your mental resilience. Hope you can rest a few days and you’ll feel stronger. Maybe let the breast care nurses know how you are feeling if you’ve got good ones? They may be able to help with side effects from your current treatment. Or ring Macmillan, I did that one day, I was in a right state and they were brilliant, she talked to me for a couple of hours, I cried buckets, it was helpful and therapeutic and they gave me good tips. Try and just think how you’re going to get through tomorrow for now, the rest is too big. I found it helpful to try and only think about the next couple of days ahead at a time to try and stop feeling overwhelmed, if I found myself panicking about two weeks away or more I’d just try and think, worry about that nearer the time, just focus on tomorrow. Always someone here to vent with x

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