Hello lovely community, this is my first post here. I'm not entirely sure what to expect or if I'm asking for anything in particular, more just having a rant! I'm half way through my chemo treatments (have just finished four EC and will be having four Paclitaxel). My diagnosis is stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer, diagnosed over the summer. I've had two surgeries (lumpectomy and tissue margins removal) and will also be having radiotherapy and hormone therapy for ten years.
I'm very fortunate to have supportive friends and family. But, I've really had it with unhelpful, intrusive and insensitive comments, unsolicited advice, or queries that are well meaning, but ultimately serve the other person rather than me. E.g. "you look so well!" or "do you have a wig" or worse, overhearing my boyfriend's family on a call, asking how much hair I've lost and what I look like now 
.
Pre-cancer I've been farly open with family and friends as to how uncomfortable it makes me for my looks to be commented upon, even when it's meant in a complimentary way. I feel strongly that how a person looks (particularly a woman) is the least interesting thing about her and following years of low self esteem, eating disorders and wasting a lot of precious time and energy focusing on this, I'm finally more free of this. I'm pretty horrified that those around me are not only hyper aware of my changing physicality, they think pushing their perception or opinons on to me is somehow useful or welcome
Has anyone else experienced this, and how have you found best to deal with this? I'm shocked that anyone who supposedly knows me well, would broach these topics, rather than being led by me on what I want to talk about/focus on.
Hello HappyFeet (love the name btw
).
Thank you so much for your lovely response. I felt a little negative after posting, so your swift response was a very welcome relief 
Ah yes, the many, many crass comments! I think much of it comes from people not knowing what to say and sitting in a space with you, without filling it with noise, is too uncomfortable. Which I can understand...but when you have many people doing this to you, the burden of all those comments falls on you to 'manage' and we have enough to manage already!
The immediate response (I know is all too common also), is the endless stories of who they know with cancer, what cancer, how their hair is now, blah blah as though this is helpful to me. All it does is make me feel unheard when I am being vulnerable in sharing painful stuff with them. On reflection, I think one of these stories was helpful to me, the other 50+ not so much 
.
Thank you for sharing about the Hopi! - fascinating reading on the peaceful ones 
I am a big crier, but always a good reminder it's ok to do so Xx
Dear Beckynervous, I'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with that kind of message from a friend 
that sounds incredibly upsetting.
Thank you for saying my message was helpful. I felt very whingey doing so, but have reached the point where I feel like I can't rely on some friends that I hoped I would be able to throughout this 'journey' (I am with you there! I found 'process' to be a little less cringey 
..)
I can really relate to feeling scared and low at the beginning of treatment, and that is so understandable. It's really sad to hear how friend's words can make it feel even more frightening - I experienced something similar. A friend took it upon themselves to 'educate' themselves via the internet rabbit hole (something I'd told them I actively wasn't doing) on all the horrible side effects I might experience and tell me all about them, including how hair loss happens (something I expressed feeling worried about). How they thought this might be helpful to me is beyond me...
People commenting on weight loss (or gain) I think will always be a bug bear of mine! As we know, there can be endless reasons for it, it's a small measure of what is happening for someone and focusing on the external is so rarely helpful to supporting how someone may be feeling on the inside. I think that's why the 'you look so well' is particularly annoying to me. It kind of denies me the space to freely say if I'm feeling rubbish inside or not. I'e also had invisible illnesses most of my life, so a lifelong annoyance that seems even more prevalent now
Do you have other support around you that is proving helpful? I really hope you have some more solid, safe places you can lean on during this time 
I'm getting through treatment ok thank you 
. The first three chemo's were tough side effects wise, but I feel much better now than I so far, now in this fourth cycle. Trying to take one moment at a time, check in with my body, see what she needs, has been really helpful. I had a little goal each day to get out for a walk, however short, and doing that each day has helped me massively mentally. Even though it's felt like a mountain to climb at times, it's been worth it for me. A nurse told me exercise really helps chemo to work better, so that's been a great motivator to keep in mind too.
I know it's different for everyone, but I found the build up to starting treatment was the scariest time for me. The anticipation and all those 'what if's' and unknowns was s so overwhelming and isolating. Once I actually started, it felt better to be moving along rather than sitting on the huge precipice of the unknown. I truly hope this may be a similar experience for you.
Do you find anything helps soothes your nerves at all? May be a silly question, but I hope there's some little things you might be finding helpful at this really challenging and scary time. Sending many hugs your way and always here to listen
Xx
