Ok, this is a long and sensitive one and involves body image and sex.
I’m almost 2 years since diagnosis. Was a couple of years menopausal when I was diagnosed ER+ HER- with 7/17 lymph nodes but after mastectomy and ANC and immediate reconstruction with Siltex Cp Becker 35 Expander (part gel, part expander saline pocket) I then had chemo and radio and like many have 10years of endocrine therapy to blitz the resilient oestrogen plus abemaciclib and zolendronic acid infusions.
Feel I’m on the home strait as far as treatments are concerned. Worst is over and I’ve survived etc.
But I am not happy at all with my reconstruction.
How it looks - I’ve gotten more used to -but I keep feeling what feels like a scrunched up bag in there. I’ve had 3 saline top ups which improves it but then it returns. I joked with the surgeon that I must have a puncture. He sensitively brushed that off as highly impossible.
Intimacy is a distant memory.
My libido was half checked out before my diagnosis but occasionally it made a surprise visit- however it seems to have completely disappeared now. My husband is a wonderful caring man but I worry for our intimacy.
He tries to reassure me and is gentle and sensitive but I sometimes wake up and realise he is caressing me around my reconstructed breast and I can’t feel it. Or many days I simply feel sore there. No pleasure there at all.
I feel so disconnected from my body.
I cannot bear my husband to touch me. Any physical touch I close down because, if I don’t, I worry my husband will think it’s his lucky day finally and the few times in the last 2 years we have had intercourse it’s been uncomfortable and not really pleasurable due to the menopausal vaginal atrophy.
I’ve not yet asked about vaginal oestrogen as I’m not sure I’d ever let our intimacy get as far as penetrative sex any time soon so don’t see the point. Other things need “fixing” first.
Is there a way through this? Has counselling helped anyone here?
I’m considering having the implant removed but not sure whether the alternatives would be any better
Thank you for getting to the end of my monologue xx
Hi Kerry,
Well done for being brave and bringing up the sensitive subject of intimacy post BC treatment. I also had HR+/ HER- BC and had a single mastectomy, plus ANC (4/9) but no reconstruction (I wasn't offered one). I also had chemo, radiotherapy and am on abemaciclib and zoledronic acid infusions. I quite like my body post surgery because my mastectomy scar is neat and has faded to a fine line, but I have lymphoedema in my left arm which I'm sensitive about because I have to wear a horrible flesh-coloured sleeve every day which doesn't make me feel very sexy.
My husband and I managed to continue with intercourse until around cycle 6 of chemotherapy at which point it just became too painful. Initially I thought this was due to the particular type of chemotherapy because both of us experienced a burning sensation during sex which made it uncomfortable rather than pleasurable, but later on I realised it was due to menopausal vaginal atrophy brought on by the chemotherapy.
We've tried to maintain an intimate relationship since then, essentially pleasuring each other manually or through oral sex. My GP prescribed me a vaginal moisturiser (non-oestrogen based) which I was supposed to apply 2-3x per week, but the consistency was difficult to get inside me (it was very runny) and I gave up. I probably should have gone back and asked for something else so it's definitely worth investigating.
More recently, we've used occasions when I am feeling particularly well lubricated to try penetrative sex again. So far, the penetration achieved is about 1 inch before we essentially hit a brick wall as my vagina is very tight with no muscle for any "give". However, the sensation is still slightly pleasurable (more like a memory of sex than anything that will result in an orgasm) and we both feel that with a lot of time, patience & lubrication, we might just achieve more penetration so that's the journey we're on.
Interestingly, I have made friends with a few women who also had BC, many of whom are younger than me and had less challenging treatment (e.g. no chemo), yet none of them seem to be having much intimacy in their relationships. I'm not sure why. Is it because of body image issues? I guess I am lucky to have a husband who is willing to try things, be patient and go at my pace.
I hope you find a way to bring back some much needed confidence in your body and to be open with your husband about what you think you can accommodate (now, and potentially in the future) and to take the lead. I'm sure he will be understanding and happy to be guided by you.
All the best! xx
Hi
This is a difficult area to discuss and I am not sure if what I have to say will be helpful. I am 3 years post BC diagnosis and the journey back to intimacy has been challenging. My husband and I were able to have couple counselling through the Dimbleby Centre at Guy's. It really helped us to turn a corner. It was not specifically about the sexual side of our relationship but it helped us in our communication with each other.
We are now able to reach full organism which is great. I am not sure I feel particularly sexy but I have learnt to accept my body image as it is. I had a double mastectomy with breast reconstruction using implants.
A sexual relationship was important to us so we both wanted this.
All the very best in your journey
I used to be a Trustee for an organisation that provided counselling services, including sex therapy, and got to know some of the therapists quite well. I really think something like that could help both of you understand each others’ perspectives and find a way forward. And as someone who has vaginal atrophy I would say don’t delay getting help for that - it will only get worse and could lead to physical discomfort and problems with UTIs if untreated. Topical oestrogen shouldn’t be a no no, and internal moisturisers also help.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
i think my first step will be to approach talking therapies and see if this helps unlock some coping strategies.
i know this will be a life long journey for us all- best of luck to you and your husband too xx
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