I have recently been diagnosed with stage 3 invasive breast cancer and also DCIS in one breast and also DCIS in my other breast.
I am currently 3 weeks post surgery for a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction with implants. Also had a sentinel node removal.
I have been living in a little contented bubble for the last 3 weeks thinking great that is step one complete.
Well I am now floored by the histology results. They have discovered cancer in the 5 lymph nodes they removed. Myself including my consultant are surprised as nothing showed up in the lymph nodes after the ct scan and initial biopsy!
I honestly feel very cheated as I now face further surgery for a lymph node clearance.
In years gone by they did a lymph node clearance while performing the mastectomy. This part should be completed already and now I'm gutted.
I am currently seeing the physio for cording and doing the added exercises to get rid of it. It all seems pointless now getting my arm back to fitness for them to mess up that part of my recovery with further surgery in the arm I'm having bother with 
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I have now been referred to Oncology for chemotherapy which will begin in the next month?
Up to now I've been in a state of denial but now that I am being referred for a wig fitting and I am about to lose my hair it all feels too real.
I'm now going to look like a cancer patient and can no longer hide whats going on. I'll admit up to now I've been a cancer snob and kept myself sane by saying I'm not gonna be that cancer patient but I am and I'm not pleased about that fact. I don't want the badge .
I have been chronically ill for many years with 2 autoimmune diseases. I have gone through birth complications, c sections, organ failure etc.
I have been able to hide behind previous ill health as none of it has been immediately obvious. I am now about to go on show and its the only way I can describe the way I'm feeling.
Everyone I know, knows about my cancer and previous health struggles but now I am about to wear my diagnosis with a bald head. I can no longer hide behind my health or cover up my scars. There is nothing more obvious than a bald head. I cannot describe how this is making me feel.
I dont want to be thrown a pity party if that makes sense?
Its all just got too real and for the first time in my life I'm not going to cope with being put out in the open in this way.
I thought I had a bit of control by booking an appointment for micro blading and have fake lashes fitted. I can no longer do this as they will not perform these procedures on anyone with lupus or the type of skin conditions I have. The world just feels against me as I can't even do what other cancer patients take for granted.
My husband has been given 6 months off work to use at any point. As great as that seems and yes we are lucky to have that there is a catch.
I have a year of active treatment ahead for chemotherapy, further surgery, radiation etc. Throw two young children into the mix needing to be cared for and the math does not add up. My husband has already used almost a month out of the six as I cannot lift my young son from his cot or to change his nappy after surgery and I have been needing help myself.
What do we do? Where do we go from here? It's all a complete nightmare and I can't see the wood for the trees and neither can my husband.
We have over come so much in the last 3 years alone with having a micro preemie who spent 6 months in NICU, we nearly lost our baby and I almost lost my life through complications of birth. We then had a house fire last year and have had a battle with insurance companies etc and have only just moved back home and rebuilt our entire life.
My current cancer diagnosis is just a step too far and both myself and my husband are at the point we can not mentally process the last 3 years. We are numb. We cannot even think straight. The universe is completely against us and its all just too much.
We are both in need of a very loooong break even before my diagnosis. We are exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.
Sorry for the long post. If you have read this far thank you and welcome to my Ted talk 
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