Friendships and Cancer Diagnosis

Hi Tawe68 welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear what is happening for you right now.

I think what you describe is not uncommon and one that many of us have heard before. I think people get frightened when they hear the word Cancer and they dont know how to respond, others stay in touch and just be there for you no matter what. Then latter friends are the ones you need around you and you need to look after you and friends will come and go but it sounds like you have a loving family and a few good friends, so maybe time to let those other ones go for now as you dont need that stress in your life. 

hi thank you for writing this. I thought I was the only one!!

That's exactly how I;ve been feeling since my unexpected diagnosis three weeks ago. (I'm new to the forum too - hello)

Non one has behaved as I thought they would...or as I would have for them. Including my friend who had less invasive cancer (grade 0 in situ) who was diagnosed 9 months ago and I was there supporting her every step of the way yet . I've barely heard from her. 

like you I have supportive family but still feel angry and upset that the people I thought would be there - even a text or offering top come and see me or anything - just hasn't happened. I know like you, there are more important things but it still hurts and makes me wonder if it's me and I'm lacking here..

the rollercoaster is bad enough without wondering why your friends aren't there..

if anyone has ideas how to get rid of the feelings of disappointment and I guess loneliness, I also would be grateful to know. Thank you again for your post. 

Hi Tawe68,

I had a lumpectomy nearly four months ago and lymph nodes removed, I’ve just finished five days radiotherapy and I’m on Letrozole, it’s not been too bad, some constipation, but most people have joint pain of some sort. I’ve always taken vitamin D3 and my Doctor says it’s okay to continue and it really helps.

You have made the first big step by finding the Macmillan site, also do visit your nearest Macmillan centre, a list is on here, or ring them on 0808 808 0000, they are superbly helpful and give you lots of great info, do walks, talks and lots more. You sound like you have some support structure in place which is good ., I’ve lived on my own for nigh on forty years, but realised you can’t do this on your own.Iknow you must feel a little let down but some of your friends, but you know, some people just can’t hack being around someone  whose been diagnosed with cancer, not because they don’t like you, but because it scares them or they think they can catch something, crazy I know, but peoples minds work in strange ways. I certainly think your friend who went through the divorce, will be just taking her time because she’s had mental health problems (as did my brother) and might be concerned that she won’t be able to deal with your situation yet. I wouldn’t cut them out just yet, just leave them for now, I think you will find that eventually they will come round.

What you need to do now, is to forget about them and concentrate on you and getting yourself well again, there is so much you can do for yourself. I go for a short walk every day (British weather permitting) and do a daily diary, this is mega helpful, as it gets everything off your chest and out of your system. It is important during the day to keep yourself occupied, hobbies, interests etc., it stops you from dwelling on what is going on. You may also find it beneficial to listen to a meditation podcast, they really help you to relax especially when you are trying to get to sleep. I use one called ‘Go Gently’ by Christine Elizabeth Smith, it does a lot for me. Whatever you do, do not visit Dr Google as there is so much conflicting information, your head will spin and it will stress you out, listen to your medical team and you get great support on here.

I know it’s hard sometimes, but try and keep as positive as you possibly can, have positive people around you and dump the negativity, above all, be kind to yourself - I promise you, you will get through this. You are never alone and can always come and chat to us shower in here.

Take care and big hugs.xxx

Thank you. It's hard letting go but you're right about not needing any additional stress now. 

Hopefully they'll be in touch at some point. x

Thank you. My oncologist put me on Ad-cal alongside Letrozole to prevent osteoporosis and I'll be having an infusion every 6 months too. 

I have headspace for free through work so been using that and I think I need to take a leaf out of your book and get out more. There's only so much shopping online I can do. Lol. 

Hopefully they'll be in touch at some point but as you said, forget about them and concentrate on me for now. 

Thanks again. xx

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm relatively new here too. Granny59 and Boobybabe2 have given such good advice and I'm so grateful we have somewhere we can ask questions like this. 

I know now it's not us but them and how they perceive us.. Keep positive and all the best for your treatment. x

Anytime hun, we’re all in this together

I have come to realise that some of my friends can cope with me ‘not being ok’ and some can’t cope with this at all. 
There have been some surprises as to who falls into which camp. 
I don’t think it is because some people don’t care, just that they need me to be ok for their own stability if that makes sense.

it can be hurtful and confusing when people you have supported so well have not reciprocated.

It is hurtful and confusing, I agree. I wasn't surprised by some of them as they rarely messaged me in the past anyway but there are some who have literally stopped completely. 

I've had the tears over this and now it's time to get on with my treatment and my life. 

Thank you for your message and I hope you're doing well too. x

Hi I’m new to the forum too. It’s really hard not to feel let down and alone. It’s not uncommon for others not knowing how to react. Also in life some friends are better at receiving help than offering it. I think focus on the relationships that you do find helpful and don’t worry about the rest. There is already so much for us to be dealing with when we are feeling most vulnerable. I hear what you are saying x