Does cancer change you?

Hi

Yes is the answer, I think. I don't want to criticise those who see a serious diagnosis as an opportunity to get life in focus. Good for them. But I think you have hit on an issue that gets overlooked. For every cheerleader there are people who are traumatised by the experience. For you , that is coming out in guilt - survivor guilt, a well-known phenomenon. 

Oddly, I recently wrote about this very briefly when I came across a comment by my hero Samuel Beckett. He wrote: “My life, my life, now I speak of it as something over, now as a joke which still goes on, and it is neither, for at the same time it is over and it goes on, and is there any tense for that?"

That sums up precisely how I feel. I have been Stage 4 since July 2021 and am coming to the end of chemo options very soon. I could not articulate how I feel or live. In fact, despite all the advice to do so in life generally, only now do I live from day-to-day. In line with the quote, I feel that my life was over when (5 years ago in fact) they first found tumours. I could not work and left a job of 24 years. But of course I am still here. So what does this mean? 

My life out there as a reasonably healthy worker with the usual nonsense concerns is over.

I live now in a different life. At home all day with my wife, taking it easy, unable to walk very fast at all, a few  enjoyable local trips and too weak to travel abroad, one week of chemo followed by one of suffering the effects. That is all fine by me, normal now. 

The questions, I guess, for you, are: are you back in your life (probably not, since you say "I no longer feel like myself anymore"), have you moved to another version or indeed are you struggling between the two without realising it?

The simplistic cheerleading - now just enjoy your life after this warning! - fails to deal with your understandable and probably not unusual reaction. I'm not a therapist and can't advise. If it were me, I would have maybe three sessions with a counsellor to get my understanding straight, and go on from there. I am not a "therapy" person really but the first treatment I received five years ago was a seven hour operation that led to a paranoid episode ("the nurses are trying to kill me!"), much of my memory being wiped and trauma. I saw a counsellor and we addressed one particular issue: I could remember walking to the operating theatre but then there was a blank. I found that disturbing. He took me through that day step by step and some memory came back. That trauma was over. Others remain of course.

I hope you can find a way through.

Best wishes

Yes,  in some ways the Cancer does change you.

Psychological changes are likely. You become more aware of your body and potential future cancer risks or symptoms. Do, do some reading on the subject through reliable sites, such as UKs NHS -useful Guidance will be found therin. Other changes you may notice (be told about!) are the long term sideaffects of the radiotherapy, for many of us, there are a few -so you should seek advice from your oncologist or his/her team, or the nurse assigned you throuout your treatment.

Good luck and Please stay positive.

Hi Somatic and welcome to the forum. Does cancer change you.? I think it does but every one Is different but that's OK as we are all  unique human beings.. Its early days in this whole rollercoaster that Cancer sets us on for you so don't be too hard on yourself. It may be that you would value the chance to talk to someone and that's OK as well. The Macmillan Line are great listeners or your Gp could maybe arrange some counselling as an opportunity to talk, it has to be what suits you best. 08088080000. Life and cancer can be unpredictable as you know but hey you are here and don't let Cancer win by not living the life you want. I think we are forever changed by our experiences and its on the inside in our thoughts about things I feel change and again thats OK. Sending some huge big hugs your way for now. Xxxx