Marital difficulties

Hi Horse Diva 

I am sorry to hear you are undergoing martial difficulties as well as having cancer.

I am not married any more, but have a partner (we have our own homes) and when I was diagnosed he was absolutely useless as a support.  The first thing he said to me was "imagine having it in your nuts" after we found out that I had been diagnosed.  He even answered his telephone in the appointment telling me I had cancer! and got straight back on the 'phone to deal with that call as soon as we walked out.  After that, I decided to keep the 2 things separate.  I would deal with the cancer myself, go to every appointment on my own and have absolutely no expectations.  It helped me to put them in their own boxes.  We're still together, but I have no illusions that he will ever be the type to be a loving, supportive partner which I read so much about on here.

If you are coping with marital issues - are you able to just 'make do and ignore him type of thing' whilst you are coping with the cancer and then when you are strong again (mentally and physically) then look at your marriage?  It's important, given your diagnoses that you aren't trying to deal with that as well as something as important as your relationship for the sake of your mental health.

These are only my rambling thoughts to 'bump' your post back to the first page, but you might want to think about give Macmillan a ring and speak to someone there who can offer a bit of advice and support?

Kindest wishes, Lesley

you are not alone, a few have spoken anout it here, sorry you are having to deal w this too hugs

Hi Lesley

Thanks for your kind response. My goodness, your partner's reaction must have been incredibly hard to deal with! My partner has generally been much better than that, although quite thoughtless at times. 

We've been on a rocky road for quite a few years. I cope most of the time but it's when we have the big rows I feel I just can't stand it any more. But think your advice is good - it's too much to try and deal with that and cancer at the same time. I'm just going to have to try and carry on as best I can until I'm in a better place to deal with it. 

Best wishes to you too.

Xx

Thank you. I posted this after we'd had a massive row. Things are a bit calmer now but the issue we keep rowing about is never going to go away. 

It's good to know I'm not alone

Xx

Hi & hugs! So sorry that you have such a heavy load to carry at the moment.

I'm a few months post chemo etc but your post rang so many bells. I share your rocky road (unless it's the choccy kind, then I probs won't share) & the difficulty coping after the frustrating blow ups. I read a post that advised the same as lesleyhelen &, like you, had to remind myself many times that the 'cancer thing' sort of trumped the other stuff, at least for a bit. Weirdly, feeling so devastated by the diagnosis & then the whirlwind of treatment made the focus clear (most of the time). 

It was quite lonely & disappointing realising that although they're not necessarily bad people, a lot of the concerns & doubts I had before diagnosis are actually the way things are & I don't actually have one of those amazingly supportive & understanding partners. I was lucky that my children are a bit older & sort of get it & we supported each other. Apart from a few appointments early on, I, too, started going to all appointments & treatments alone as I felt more able to focus on my own. A friend sort of stepped in during the second half of chemo, which turned out to be a lovely boost that I didn't even know I wanted or needed.

I was a little emotionally desperate after the main treatment ended & was lucky to be offered 4 counselling sessions with Penny Brohn. The counsellor was so lovely. Turns out the cancer wasn't my biggest anxiety but the one that added just too much to my load. (the highlander on here has some great ideas on this sort of thing - top advice from a place of kindness). 

Sorry to ramble (off the back of a row too, so you'll know where I'm coming from). Like you, I know I need to start addressing a few issues but also know I need to be a little further ahead on this journey to be strong enough physically & mentally to manage that positively.

Sorry not to be able to offer much advice but sending you many kind thoughts & sharing your load with all the other lovely people on here.

xx

Hi BB3, 

Thank you so much for your reply, it really has helped. As you say, my other half is not necessarily a bad person, we just don't see eye to eye. 

Unfortunately I found out today I have to have more surgery. He has been sympathetic although he didn't really say the right thing!

The weird thing is that I feel I can't carry on with him but I can't imagine life without him. 

I'm going to hang on for now and deal with it once this is all over

Hugs xx

Hi sorry to hear you are going through this, it’s the last thing you need!

I was diagnosed in July and currently halfway through my chemo, my partner hasn’t looked at me or hardly said a word to me since I started my chemo in September.

i have tried speaking to him but we just end up arguing so I have now given up and decided to put everything into getting better then deciding on what to do with my relationship

look after yourself first x

Having read all the comments it may depend on the initial strength of your relationship in the first instance? There are men who love unconditionally and those who are quite selfish and have had things their own Way for a long time. We might blame their mothers for mollycoddling them but there are mums who have taught them how to share and grow.  It’s a debatable subject but without a doubt one which we won’t all agree on.Some men do start off ‘nice and caring’ then change through the relationship. If you can’t sit and pour your heart out and let him know the huge pressure you are feeling, let him know how his reaction scares you, making you feel unloved. I truly hope things do improve for you as you do not need this added stress xxx

Hi Tavares,

You have made a very good point. My partner does have a tendency to put his own needs before anyone else's, no matter what the circumstances. When the children were fairly young I went out for a few hours, expecting him to give them their tea, but no, I came home to find him eating his tea having not fed the children! I was flabbergasted! One of his first reactions to my diagnosis was 'I hope this doesn't send me back into depression '. Not 'are you ok?'! He is possibly on the lower end of the Autistic spectrum which explains a lot!

Thankfully things are relatively calm at the moment and he has been fairly supportive whilst I'm going through the second surgery. Hopefully it will last. I do need to tell him how his behaviour makes me feel sometimes because I just don't think he gets it!

Thank you for your kind words xxx

Hi Rosebud,

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time too. It's just too much to deal with as well as cancer isn't it? We all deserve better, whatever form that may take.

Stay strong, sending you healing hugs xx