Miserable partner who is terrible company

This is not the first time this has come up very recently about partners seeming to be unhelpful, bitter, mean and twisted!  I believe a lot of people said that the shock of their diagnosis had a huge effect on partners.  They, like ‘outsiders’ don’t know what to say, how to say it, or how to give support. It’s an alien concept.  It’s a bit like saying “you never tell me you love me” he says “but you know I do!” Sometimes you have to sit down and talk..he may find it hard to express himself for fear of saying the wrong thing but it’s important that you listen to him w/o interrupting and vice versa.  Maybe too, one evening (or day in the week) you go out separately to renew your self esteem. It’s when conversations close down that resentment builds.  What advice would YOU give to someone in your shoes? Very best wishes xxx

Did he drive you mad before your diagnosis? Maybe you’ve never needed his obvious support before! My husband is rubbish with “deep” stuff, but I know he cares a lot! However, he takes his lead from me emotionally; ie, if I’m OK, he’s OK! It wouldn’t occur to him to take charge with anything emotional! I think men can bury their heads in the sand a bit, because they can’t cope! Two years on, my husband can’t remember much about my diagnosis or treatment, but he was there for the practical stuff and did everything I asked of him. We’re doing great now, the same as we were before! I think maybe you should reevaluate your relationship, it may help if you tell him how you feel! Maybe underlying issues have become more apparent since your diagnosis, perhaps nothing to do with your diagnosis per se, maybe you’ve just opened your eyes! Do what makes you happy! Best of luck xxx

I do feel for you. I can see he is battering the hatches down - and there maybe some good reason for that, but it doesn't mean you should enduringly tolerate the poor behaviour towards yourself. Constant criticism, passive aggressive silence and just general absenting himself from you and family life is chipping away at your life and the life of your little boy. You show great strength and resilience in the way you are managing this, but it’s clearly having an impact because you are here sharing.

Your description of him makes him sound lost. He went to counselling before - big step! Can this be considered again? Perhaps for you both together? To do this of course you would need to open up the conversation about how you see the present picture and how it is making you feel. If that conversation is too hard to start can you maybe write him a letter, either brief in that ‘we need to talk’ kind of way, or in more depth sharing how you are feeling about the way your lives are travelling as a family and offering some possible ways forward, like counselling together for example.

it’s great you have that new zest for life after all you have been through! That really is something to be proud of and celebrate - don’t let him take that away from you.

Seems like it’s not going to be him that is going to take a proactive stance, so will have to be you if things are to change.

its that constant criticism and withdrawing you refer to that grates me, it’s debilitating and demoralising I know, and you deserve better x x

How did the holiday go in the end? I also have a partner that doesn't seem very supportive, he seems to listen to all his friends but not me, the criticises me for my decisions. I am still going through treatment, and he has said that I am paranoid, that everyone couldn't understand why I wouldn't go away in the caravan. Right now I just feel more comfortable being at home with everything I need here, and my hospital near by. I had not long had a spell in hospital after getting an infection and then suffering neoprenia sepsis, and each round of chemo has made me feel worse. I have even kicked him out of our bed at the moment, but as much as I try to explain how I feel, he doesn't listen or just doesn't seem to get it.  I feel I just have to be strong all the time and just muddle through on my own. 

Hi totally sympathise I have a horrendous husband. We went away 2 weeks ago in our caravan. We only went 10 miles away from home so I could be near my hospital. I stared a new chemotherapy drug which totally floored me. He still expected me to cook

Sorry something went wrong there, he still expected me to cook meals, out the awning up and go on 10 mile walks!!!
I totally lost my sense of taste, my mouth was full of ulcers so found it really difficult to eat or drink, every bone and muscle hurt, I retired to bed and he woke me up at 8 pm to cook tea !,

I told him that I had never felt so poorly but he ignored this.The macmillan nurse rung me on Friday and while we were talking he was shouting at me to help him hoover the caravan and clean the toilet. The nurse told me to take my temperature and contact the hospital asap. We got home and I rang the hospital who told me to pack a bag and go immediately. He said he needed a coffee first as he was dehydrated due to doing all the work. He insisted on using my car as I was using too much fuel in his car because of my multiple visits to the hospital, the car had no fuel in it due to him using it so I had to put fuel in it. When I got to hospital they immediately put me on antibiotics intravenously and told he to go.

I was in the early stages of sepsis due to an infection.

I asked him why he made me clean the toilet when I have no immune system, he said that he had forgotten, even though I am bald and that I need to remind him.

After several days in hospital I came home with oral antibiotics, but I didn’t tell him I was allowed visitors as I was so cross with him but friends visited and brought me much needed supplies and I didn’t want him using my car.

I am fortunate that my daughter is an adult but she has learning disabilities but she lives across the road with my help

The upshot of this rant is that I left him today.

He is currently having a lads holiday in Germany on my motorcycle!! Even though he knows how badly I was affected by my chemotherapy last time and chemotherapy is on Friday and he isn’t home until Sunday..

so if you want to leave your husband just pick the time when you feel horrible and going through cancer treatment, he said he knows exactly what I am going through because in October he had a hip replacement operation and it is the same!!!
so I am sitting in my new home with my dog dreading him coming home and causing trouble. But I can’t risk him nearly killing me again.

I am very lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends who have supported me, one cooked tea and three others helped me move.

I am also being taken to hospital tomorrow and picked up.

I am also promised a cooked tea tomorrow after chemotherapy.

So my new life started today.

I feel calm for the first time in months.

A long and difficult journey ahead but I can do it without his selfishness because cancer has made me realise that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking after him I need to put myself first for the first time in my life

So wish me luck and I will keep you informed.

Hi, I wish you all the luck in the world, he sounds awful, and my first thought just after reading a few lines was you need to leave him. I am glad you have. If you are in a new home, don't let him , it's your house your rules. He has no say anymore. I am really glad you have a good group of friends to support you, and your daughter, whatever she can do, even if it's just love and hugs, as you haven't said how much she can help or understand, which is fine, you know her best. What I am trying to say is you don't need that low life, you have a good support network without him, and now your recovery  will be a lot better. I too am going through chemo and it is tough, and I also ended up with sepsis, so I do know how you feel there, it's scary. You are one very strong lady and you will gethrough this with all the love and support you have. Sending lots of love and hugs, and well done for having the courage to leave him.

 Pooh bear  has said everything I would want to say to you. Take care of yourself now. Your husband doesn't need a key to your new home. You know you have taken the right steps. There are all kinds of abuse and his treatment of you was abusive. If he is threatening when he returns, you can inform him you will report his behaviour. He is probably a coward and when he can't control you, he will probably back away. His power was in his control.

So I hope today's chemo isn't too gruelling. As someone who reacted very badly to chemo I know how much you need support. I was lucky. My OH couldn't have been kinder and also my son took a three month work break to help us both. This is another reason why you have done the right thing. There is no excuse for not recognising when a partner is unwell. Perhaps at diagnosis, the shock causes partners to only slowly recognise the situation and how they should respond, but once treatment effects health, it is obvious and there are no excuses for unsupportive, selfish behaviour. I hope your final results will be successful. 

I wish you every luck for your new life. Be confident now. You have done the right thing!

Thank you

Geewiz! I couldn’t believe what I was reading!! Maybe in a previous life you played a subsistent role to his bullying and now he’s totally unsympathetic? Enough is enough. Love is not about putting YOUR needs first but SHARING all the good and bad in sickness and in health.  I’m so glad you have great reliable friends. Keep your counsel because what goes around comes around. Don’t speak to him, give him no information about anything. Really sorry you have this to contend with on top of your diagnosis, treatment etc. I really wish you an easy journey without him..x