Discussing breast cancer operation with children

Hi Rachel, I think how you’re handling it sounds perfect. I’ve had breast cancer twice, once when my daughter was 4 the second when she was 12 and I took the same approach. The first time was lumpectomy and RT, I told her I was having a naughty lump taken out and something to stop it coming back. She accepted this. When I was diagnosed again she remembered the naughty lump but of course that wasn’t going to wash this time! I told her the truth about my treatment (not including the aggressive nature of my diagnosis was the only thing I omitted) and she coped very well. Knowing I was being honest with her helped her manage her understandable anxiety. I’ve always taken the approach that when she ask’s about anything I answer honestly. I do think it’s important they trust you as a source in this because they’re listening more than you might realise to what is going on. You’ve been honest, the op is to take the cancer away, now I would answer the questions as they come and talk openly about it so it’s not a big scary mystery. My daughter is 14 next week, we are super close and she trusts me fully and says she appreciated so much that she always knew the truth of what was going on, that helped her. If you click on my name you’ll see more about me. Good luck x

Re counselling, mine does see a counsellor, mostly to deal with the fallout from my divorce but she has discussed me being unwell in them, I pay privately for this. Macmillan may be able to help with sessions. You can try the nhs via your go but I’m finding (I work in a school) referrals are waiting 18months plus after initial assessment atm, totally unfit for purpose I’m afraid x

Thank you, that's all really helpful xx 

Reading your info was interesting too, I've not read much so far and to see your similar experience is helpful. 

I agree with Anna wholeheartedly. In addition, there are a few things that perhaps they should know ahead of surgery: you will likely be advised not to pick up anything heavy for a while after surgery, and not to drive for a period of time. I would share this with them so that they understand the physical limitations. You may come home with a drain and a drain bottle attached, ask ahead of the surgery so that you can explain this in advance and what is is for. 

I would also allow the children to help, for real, and when they do, let them know they are indeed helping. For instance, "Can you please get me a bottle of water from the kitchen?"

I remember my own childhood very well, including an episode where my grandmother went through what I later found out was a heart attack. The adults were secretive, we children were banished outside. This worried me, and not knowing what was going on was hard. We stood by the window outside and tried to listen in. In addition, for a while after it made me feel unwanted, as if I was not really a part of the family. The grown-ups were of course unaware of all of this, and they were no good to us to turn to because it was them who made us feel this way, so it was much harder for a while than it would have been had they been open, honest, and inclusive.

Hi, I’d echo GreyCats  experience, as I too was kept in the dark about my mothers hip surgery being needed (replacement) although it became obvious later when she was in hospital. But also in the dark about my Dads hernia and not being allowed in the ward to see him post op (but looked in from outside and his white face terrified me) . 
I think if your upfront with children they really understand and can be incredibly sensible and wise beyond their years. They’re not daft, and provided you give them information suitable to their age group, and are always happy to answer questions, they will cope astonishingly well. 

Hugs xxx