Sister refusing chemo

I can understand your concern. These days it has been recognised not everyone requires chemo so if the doctors are recommending it, it seems probable she should seriously consider it.

I only have one very short story.....the year I was diagnosed 2015, there was another lady who chose no treatment. She used natural remedies etc whilst I had conventional treatment...lumpectomy,  chemo, radiotherapy.  I won't say it was easy and the chemo has left a few problems but I know modern doses have changed and side effects are less daunting now. Anyway, I didn't know this person personally so I don't know exactly what she did or if she had other complications,but after 5 years, she died and after 8 years, I am still cancer free.

I will say though at the end of the day, it has to be your sister's choice. As much as you love her, you will not be able to understand her thoughts unless you have experienced a diagnosis. People change. Perhaps you could ask her to explain her reasons to you and try and understand her thinking? Together, you might find a suitable compromise.....chemo plus herbal for example?

I wish your sister well. She could always chat on here too. The Awake thread is a very good and positive discussion group as well as day to day chatter which she might find she needs too to relieve the stress and worry.

Take care.

Good morning Anne34 

I feel for you, how frustrating this must be for someone you love so dearly. 

As previously mentioned,  by Lacomtekp its your sisters choice.

However, chemotherapy is effective and no doubt will kill cancer cells. I've read about people using herbs and natural remedies and ultimately the person doesn't survive.  I looked at chemo as a necessary friend that would make me better. We all know sometimes chemo doesn't work but it's a risk you have to take if you want to try to survive.  It was no question to me to have chemo, I couldn't get started on it quick enough.  

Ultimately you can't make her do it. It's scary but the alternative is scarier. 

Good luck and lovely that you have reached out to get support. 

Julie  

I have to say this is v sad. My sister was diagnosed with BC 3 yrs ago and being a born again Christian refused all treatments. Didn’t turn up for appointments at GP/hospital and when she was seriously ill and hospitalised, pulled out cannulas and refused scans. Sadly we went to her funeral last week. Had she accepted what was on offer, like I have with the lovely NHS, she would be with us now. I’m gutted that we could not talk her into changing her way of thinking. I really do wish you and your family well xxxx

At the end of the day it’s her choice so you should support it even although it’s difficult.  She’s made it for whatever reasons she feels valid. I speak from experience, I’ve refused it also.  Stats showed only 3% improvement in reoccurrence rate and I’d rather have quality of life than the risks associated with chemo.  I talked it over in detail with my husband who would be most impacted and we both came to a mutual agreement.  Every case is different and whilst I know this was the right choice for me,  

Ochno, I’m so saddened to hear of your diagnosis and truly know that quality of life over drugs and after effects, is of paramount importance.as you say, people make choices for their own best interests and although we may not always understand it, we should embrace the decision to choose. So happy for you that you have a lovely supportive husband who acknowledged the best way forward. You are truly blessed. With love x

HelloOchno 

Yes it's a small benefit at 3% and I completely understand you would refuse it.  Mine had already spread so it was an absolute benefit.  Each case is different and yes, we need to respect each others decisions. 

Julie

I don’t think you are likely to change her mind through facts and reason, unfortunately. People have to reach decisions for themselves and sadly these days are often swayed by seemingly easier answers. Better to focus on how you can support her through her choices, no matter how daft they may seem. I personally chose chemo despite the data suggesting low benefit, because I didn’t want to be in a position later on of wishing I had had if. As if turned out I became metastatic despite having had chemo, but at least I know I did everything I could have done.

Hello Anne34 

It's so hard to watch someone you love 'make the wrong decision', I put it in quotes because obviously, with your own body, there is no right or wrong and ultimately, it has to be her decision.

I am personally a down to earth character who doesn't even do yoga, let alone a retreat.  My partner's niece often went on these and never seemed to achieve anything in life (ie. aged 35, having to keep moving from shared house dump to another shared house dump, after living with her uncle for a bit)- and then would spend any savings going on a retreat!  It all seemed a bit odd to me.  She didn't have cancer and this was obviously her life choice, but she kept saying she wanted to start her own health business and then never did anything about it - so I totally understand where you are coming from. 

It's sad that she's pushing you away as you feel you're the voice of reason and the others are supporting her choice - so she's seeing them as the ones who are her closest allies - even if it's a choice that could ultimately cost her dearly.  

This is a link to a lady here, who had a similar diagnosis to mine.  (I actually had 20mm more removed from my breast), but the rest of the diagnosis was the same.  Initially, she would have just had an operation and radiotherapy and oestrogen suppressing meds (which I had).  The link goes back for 51 pages and details what she tried in alternate medicines. She eventually had  radiation and chemo. but by this time, it was too late and you can see after 7-8 years she very sadly died.  (it might be the same lady that Lacomtekp is talking about).

I started reading her story after I had been diagnosed (6 years ago) as she often posted what she was doing. I thought at the time, that although she was pioneering, she could perhaps have just been taking tablets and going for probably her last annual check up to check she still had no evidence of disease by then - but because she'd opted not to go down the traditional route, she was still trying something new to control her cancer. Her story has stuck in my mind from the moment I first started reading it and I feel it's an important one for anyone to read if they are considering their options when it comes to their cancer treatment.

Breast cancer is so, so common.  Given that this is the busiest group on the Macmillan Forum, it shows just how prevalent it is and all the treatment has been carried out on 100,000's of women all of whom have their treatment plan tailored to them - but following along the lines of cutting it out, chemo, radiotherapy, tablets.  Not all will have all these options BUT the type of cancer that each woman has determines what their particular treatment plan is. The doctors have been there and done it with all these women and I'm sure that not one doctor has ever suggested herbal medicine instead.

Gloria Hunniford's daughter moved to Australia and took alternative medicines too. She survived only 5 years. (have a Google as I can't remember all the details).  But perhaps if you can get your sister to have a read and then discuss this fully with her oncologist, she should at least be making a fully informed choice about her own treatment.

Here's the NHS predict tool as well.  This is based on research for all these women who've had breast cancer in the UK and survival rates based on treatments and type.  She can input the details and then put in chemo / no chemo and see what a difference to her survival rate it will make.

I do feel for you and I hope you can get your closeness back with your sister.

Kindest wishes, Lesley

Ochno said:

Stats showed only 3% improvement in survival rate

This is interesting. Can I please have a link to that study?

Your sister is pushing you away because the constant pressure is making her feel that you are causing stress and not helping. Trying to force someone into a course of action will often result in them pushing back, hard, as your sister is now doing.

I tend to think that the way to get anyone to change their mind in such situations is to present data rather than opinion. By that I mean reliable research papers that were not funded by anyone who has a vested interest either way.

There is a lot to be said in favour healing methods that are out of the conventional in a lot of situations, but, for instance, when a tooth has to come out, no amount of spirituality or herbal and other such remedies would make it happen, only a “conventional” dentist. Perhaps you could point out to your sister that cancer may well fall into that category, and to remember that unless she is 100% certain in her opinion, she is ultimately gambling with her life.

If nothing changes her opinion, and assuming you don't want to be estranged, you will have to ease the pressure, offer friendliness, and be very gentle with any attempts to make her change her mind.