Horrible husband

Hello German shepherd mum

I am sorry to see that you were diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery at the beginning of April. I hope that you are not feeling too uncomfortable after the surgery. I hope that you do not have to wait too long to determine what further treatment you need. Absolutely, you should be taking things easy and focussing on your recovery. 

I am sorry to see that you feel your husband is not being supportive and I can totally understand how it is making you feel- it must be really frustrating as you say while you are healing and worrying about what is next.

I wonder if there is an element of him struggling - just a thought. Is this a normal reaction for him or perhaps due to the pressure of watching you go through everything so far and him also not knowing what is next? I just wonder if he is feeling the pressure too and it has come out in the wrong way? I don't think anyone can go through something as big as a cancer diagnosis and treatment without it affecting personal relationships. 

Just a thought- but I do get what you are saying

Jane

Dear GSM, this made for v sad reading but there seems to be a couple of things going on…firstly, your diagnosis, waiting and wondering will inevitably stress you out making each day a tough one.  Know that so many of us have been in this journey and believe me some of it will be ‘dumbed down’ as time goes on. I support Jane2511 when she states that hubby may be struggling too and cope in the only way he knows how, ignoring it…We naturally expect people to feel as devastated as us and hate their flippancy if they don’t. Know that NHS discussions about the way forward for you, are bubbling away under the surface.  They will let you know when decisions are made. I can’t help you feel better but I can offer sympathy and a true understanding of how frustrating this all is. Try to take one day at a time. Can you walk gently with your dog (assuming he doesn’t pull) when you feel like it? I found walking with mine, a huge help to clear my mind. With you all the way! Best wishes x

Hi there, sorry to hear how upset this must have made you. Talk - sit him down and be honest about how you're feeling, you're still early days post op and may be more sensitive to his remarks and he needs to understand that whilst you may have found this 'funny' before, you certainly could do with a little more empathy now. He could also be trying to keep busy to avoid acknowledging you're poorly.  Don't stew on it, talk and listen.  Good luck.

I hope this helps I had a mastectomy end of March this year with full lymph node removals left side.  My husband passed away 10 years ago I have no children and live on my own but I have got a very good friend who supports me and helps me , I was allowed to walk my cocker spaniel dog after a month holding him on the right side not my mastectomy side.  I live by the canal and he is very good off lead and doesn’t pull so my breast nurse had no issue and to be honest I felt so much better when I got out walking it took my mind off things and seeing people and chatting made me feel like my life was getting back to some sort of normal. Just take short walks it will also get your strength back up if you do need any treatment. l am eight weeks on after operation I’m 64 got grade 3 cancer also spread into lymph nodes but I now feel fit again, I’m walking twice a day and slowly getting back to normal , I have just had my treatment plan which is going to be the next hurdle , but l will take this a day at a time and hopefully I can keep taking my dog for a walk because without my dog and getting out I don’t think I would be where l am today.

l do take things easy and I rest when I’m tied  please rest it will help , perhaps your husband is finding it hard , try to be strong and perhaps suggest to your husband for both of you to take the dog for a walk together it might help both of you 

I have now started walking the dog, it helps.

waiting to see oncologist need chemo and radiotherapy.

devastated

had two teeth out on Monday in an attempt to avoid osteonecrosis.

just rested and cried since then.

cried yesterday because I was so hungry 

been prescribed diazepam and increased anti anxiety tablets.

can’t see an end to it

just to let everyone know that I have the biggest phobia in thr world to dentists and needles and this seems to be my life for ever.

sorry for the rant but just feel so dreadful 

I really do suggest you try and find a group locally if possible or try groups on FB for C sufferers.  There are many others like you struggling to cope who need support from people in same situation. Don’t despair! Really try to deal with one day at a time. Feeling so down will not help your recovery hence you need to talk to someone. It would help if your GP/macmillan navigators/BN could make suggestion..?

Been in contact with breast cancer awareness and they do a scheme someone like you and match you up with someone who has had similar treatment etc

Update

my husband also suggested that we use my car when visiting the hospital so I pay for the petrol and don’t add unnecessary mileage to his.

I left work three years ago to look after my mum who had terminal cancer, I am too young to get my pension so for the last three years I have been living on my savings which have now run out. I have to pay half the costs of the house, holidays etc. he wonders why I don’t want to go out for meals and drinks with him, but he always sits down first so I have to go to the bar and we often have an odd number of drinks so I pay more. He joined me and my friends on Saturday. He lets me pay for two main meals for him and a drink, then he left.

I worked out that he has probably earned ninety thousand pounds since I retired and I have earned nothing.

he has suggested that I should contribute to the cost of running his Mercedes, I own an Old Ford.

I feel that he is controlling me by making sure I can’t afford to leave him.

now with the cancer diagnosis I am totally trapped 

Oh dear,  it sounds like he is showing no support,  respect or affection at all.  It's really hard,  but you need to think about your relationship and self worth.  Xxx

Right bit of advise I am a widow obviously retired young , now someone told me that you can get financial help if you are living with cancer and that your treatment will last longer than a year , and help with travelling cost . I believe the benefit you may be able to get is PIP also call in at Maggies when having treatment they might be able to give you advise . I met a man six years after my husband passed away I moved in with him he was a narcissist bloody controlled me thankfully I done the runner three years ago I am so glad , I have great friends and they are giving me great support.