Mother refusing to go back to the hospital

Hi Luci, this must be so difficult for you.  I feel your mum is in denial (mine was the same) and to be honest I am a bit myself with my recent diagnosis.  As upsetting as this is for you and your family, I feel your mum will decide when she is ready to face the problem, she wants to keep as much independence as possible for herself at the moment.  Try not to be cross with her just reassure her, which I am sure you are.  I have been very in denial from my grown-up daughters, as I feel I am protecting them but of course I am not, and I know they are adults, but being a mum doesn't stop.  I will be thinking of you, and I know she will reach out to you.  She is very scared.  lots of love you are doing a wonderful job.xxx

Thank you for your response. I have been very patient with my mum and today we went in for a follow-up appointment and yet again she refuses to accept what is happening ... this is more than being scared. She gets very upset when the doctors or nurses try to explain things no matter how calmly they do it. This time of year is painful because of other stuff and I am very upset because I feel completely powerless. 

Hi, yes this very difficult all round, and must be very upsetting. As you say, this is more than being scared … maybe mum is terrified. It is scary to hear your diagnosis. Sorry to ask, but is the problem that your mum is going to have the planned treatment, but that she doesn’t want to hear about it (I get that)? Its just that you said that she refused to go to follow-up appointments, but she did go today, so that is a positive, even if it only seems like a small one.

Dear Luci

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and love, you are a wonderful daughterxx

Oh how difficult for you all.  Is your mum someone who lives in denial for other things, does she look on the bright side usually or assume everything is doomed?! This may a way of approaching her…she got to this age relatively unscathed I trust? What would she advise if it were happening to you? There are some psychological ways of dealing with this but I’m not able to offer much advise. I wish you well. Time may be the answer.

The moment the doctor says the C-word she just shuts down. She did go today and the doctor says they need to review everything but he was a surgeon and said he has seen the lump before and it is what she doesn't want to hear... are there any black families on here dealing with something similar no disrespect to anyone who has responded but it would be helpful. 

I am Jamaican heritage and have had mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy..I am 68yrs. I gritted my teeth from January this year when first told. Your lovely mum needs a good network around her and better still, meet with people who are/have experienced what she to deal with. Happy to correspond xxx am off to bed now, speak soon

Hi Luci,

It is really a difficult situation. I think there is need for network around your mum like Tavare said. I am of African heritage but relatively young. I had mastectomy with immediate diep flap reconstruction, Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy. I know it is a terrifying news but there is need for doctors' intervention and she needs to consent. Around here if needed. 

 Just googled Blackcare with cancer and there’s a definitely help out there! Company called National Care…Luci have a look xxxxxx