Fair weather friends

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Anyone else saddened to realise friends they thought would be there have turned out to be fair weather friends? Good for easy times but just aren’t there when times are tough, or am I expecting too much? 

I have moved lots with my husbands career and although I know lots of people my friendship circle is small. Someone I thought would be there and one of the people I called to give my news to first hand I feel is just not there in a way I would have been in a heartbeat, this saddens me. I know people have there own lives and I don’t for a second expect anyone to give me special treatment but she has hardly bothered, the one time she has been to my house I was painting a fence in the garden a couple days after a Chemo, she commented but I’d have picked up a brush and helped but nothing, when I expressed concern about missing out socially over summer, her response was “well there’s after treatment” I would have said, don’t worry you won’t miss out, we’ll come to you or make it work”, another time, she made out like she was doing me a favor as she needed a piece of furniture upcycled and said she had a project for me while I was off work. She has never called and rarely messages, and on bumping into another mutual more distant friend, apparently she’d filled her in on how I was. This person in particular has shared a similar sort of lifestyle as my family and I and we have shared experiences across many years, Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this about her but this time I thought she’d be part of my cheering squad. I know I have been for her, many times. 

Sadly this shitty episode has opened my eyes to more than one person I thought more of. I really don’t have high expectations, I’m resilient and independent but this is tough at times in a way I needed those around me to see through my “strength” and maybe reach out.

I don’t know what the point of this post is but felt I needed to rant a little.

  • Hi hope posting has helped you get it off your chest and feel a bit better. 

    Its very hard when you have people around you who behave in a way you wouldnt expect. I had a similiar experience with a close friend, i havnt heard from her since February when it was her birthday, i text and made sure she received her card and present. Since them i have had two further ops, finished chemo, started and finished radiotherapy and nothing. Initially she would say about going out for tea but i was too unweĺl and too self concious. It really made me question how we had ever been so close and how she could just switch off when i needed her the most. Now its gone too long and i dont think she feels able to get in touch. 

    Like you iam independent and dont need practical support but we all need emotional support from time to time. Its two minutes to send someone a message to say your thinking of them. I know theres nothing she or anyone else can do but her lack of effort has ruined our friendship. 

    On a positive it has shown me how special and reliable my other friends are, they have been there every step of the way and i couldnt ask for anymore. It also re established a friendship from the past, someone i had known from work 20 years ago we lost touch a little but our paths have crossed over the years and we ended up back in the same team again, again she has been great lots of offers of practical help but more importantly showing an interest and checking in. 

    I was angry and upset initially but now i think its your loss, we shouldn't have to work so hard so whatever the reason im better off without someone like this. All the best to you. Xxx

  • I think this is very common. Like both of you, the person I saw most before diagnosis, who always needed someone to listen to her tales of woe or keep her company, disappeared during treatment. I reacted very badly to chemo and when OH tried to arrange for her to meet me for coffee, it wasn't possible because she couldn't alter her routine to fit around us! You certainly discover who your friends are.........Someone who I hardly knew was prepared to drive for an hour regularly to come and visit and to chat. Sometimes you do need that, don't you? Someone who puts you first, listens to how you're feeling and acknowledges that despite the odds in your favour,  this whole situation is scary and never really over so comments like " it'll be fine'" ..." treatments over, get on with your life,'" aren't necessarily the ones we need to hear.

    It is why this site and particularly threads like Awake are so supportive. If you feel down, we understand. If something good happens, we understand that too. If something ordinary fills our thoughts or a joke makes us laugh, we're there for those moments too. Virtual friendship it might be but you will probably find it will endure  for as long as you need it.

    Take care and I hope your treatment continues well.

    Love Karen 

    1. I
  • Hi , oh yes! I think it hit daughter far more than it’s hit me, she had what she thought was a wide circle of friends, some were actually colleagues too, but when she had a long long illness from a blood cancer, she really found out who her real friends were, and those colleagues? (She was a founder member of a quartet) They just drifted away.

    is right, too, sometimes you build virtual friendships which last, I’m now friends on social media and via text and email with some lovely people I’ve never met but are truly there for me! 

    I hope you’ll find the same, and those folk who are only there when the weather is fair, can ‘go take a running jump’ as you need ones who stay the course. 

    Hugs xxx

    Moomy

  • it is incredibly hard. I think we’ve all had these experiences. My marriage broke up just before my diagnosis and I lost lots of ‘friends’ then, it was incredibly difficult, I actually enjoyed lockdown because we were all in the same boat and I couldn’t go out and it made me feel less abandoned!!! Rofl then I got my diagnosis and again was let down by a few people. My oldest friend texts me stupid jokes and once on a while, how are you, but hasn’t called or been seen in a year. But. I have built some very strong ‘new’ close friends and I’m incredibly grateful for that. When I start to feel sad about friendships that let me down I try and switch that thought to friendships I’m grateful for, sometimes that works, sometimes not but. I hope writing it down helped a little and now you know we’ve all been through the same crappy friend’s experience it feels less personal. Some people can’t cope with the illness, some are just selfish idiots and some are just so busy with their own lives and problems that they don’t mean to neglect anyone, they’re just struggling themselves. Hopefully you’ve other good people around you xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Oh boy! You are not alone! I’ve wanted to delete a couple of people from my phone in my dark hours because I’ve felt ‘neglected’ by them. I just don’t contact them now and if they contact me I respond v positively and show I’m happy to hear from them but you def know who your friends are!!

  • You are definitely not alone in this and I totally empathise. I had a group of friends I had met every week for lunch for years and one of the group and I used to go for a walk once a week. Since my diagnosis last August, I haven't heard from them. I don't know if they are afraid of catching ot by association or just were never really true friends. I thought an occasional text just to ask how I am doing wouldn't be too much to expect from them. Needless to say, they will no longer be receiving Christmas gifts from me!

    I spoke with a BC nurse on Friday and she said if she had a penny for every time she has heard about this sort of reaction from so called friends, she would be a very wealthy woman.

    Don't stress about it or mourn the loss of these hard, uncaring people. I know people have their own issues and I tried making excuses for them initially, thinking they perhaps just didn't know how to react to the news and act towards me  or were just scared of the word and all it can entail. But then I realised that even through my treatment, just as lfc74 (great name btw) did with a friend's birthday, I still made sure I sent birthday cards or commiseration cards when elderly parents were ill. So I came to the conclusion I no longer need these people in my life as there  are new, better, more understanding friends out there. 

  • Thank you for your replies ladies.

    I felt very selfish after my post feeling like I was being shallow but the examples are just a couple of things trying to explain how the little things matter, with this friend in particular we are in the similar boat with lifestyle, we have settled in the same area and with the little family we both have that don’t live near I though I was finally in a position I had people to turn to. (We’ve even been even been away together the last couple of years with our partners and another couple).  I should not be disappointed really, I confided something big last year prior to this diagnosis and there was little support then, but thought she didn’t want to get involved so respected that but this I thought would be different. my mistake for having a little expectation, one I won’t be making again. This makes me sad but I won’t waste time looking to her for support again, I see it for what it is, doesn’t make her a bad person.  

    I believe in lifting you up when things are down and at a scary time see through getting on with it. Throughout this journey it has become very clear to me that my circle is smaller than I thought but there are a couple of people that have reached out albeit across the miles and PM’s and their support like on this forum has been priceless  I just hope I can be better if anyone in my life finds themselves going through this or similar. I know damn well I won’t want them to feel like an outcast! 

    By writing here it helps to release a little something, I’m growing through my fears and looking for deeper connections I guess. 

    I hope you all have the right people in your corner and no matter what you feel loved and supported by those who really matter xxx 

  • Hi have found the same in many respects myself. Was out at an evening wedding do with my wig on last nice feeling a bit vulnerable but great to be out.  First social do in many months and someone asked me how the treatment was going. (Chemo finished and just onto radiotherapy). I said its been tricky not as bad as some but better than others. Didn't go into details...I have had a few trips to A n E and some hospital stays. The person said without knowing anything 'small price to pay' Now in my opinion thts up to me to think not others to say. Its a tricky one, think people try to say something positive but unless they have been through it they truly can't really get it. I ended up asking how she had been during lockdown etc and she told me her feelings etc at great length. No further questions to me. Long term friend as well tht I supported many years ago when a family member of hers had cancer has been very distant with my troubles. Just not as I had imagined would be the case. I have now started to come to terms with that. Now not expecting contact now to see how I am currently, so have decided not to give them any updates and its been a long gap between messages/calls. Hope others give you the support you so obviously need and your treatment goes as well as it possibly can. Wth your feelings of bewilderment, surprise you are not alone as you can see from all your replies. Think some people may genuinely not know how best to be with the situation so avoid.  Best wishes to you. 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to Busy life

    I believe people WITHOUT Cancer will never understand! They can’t possibly know the pain/fear/discomfort/anxiety/sleepless nights/total disruption to our lives etc. etc. therefore they give us ‘throw away comments’. Only now can I truly relate to another person ‘inflicted’ with cancer and fully comprehend the awfulness of it. Maybe we shouldn’t blame their lack of knowledge/understanding and expect nothing verbally useful from them, it’s not their fault…

  • I found out that my oldest best friend was truly as described. From delivering me to appointments when I couldn’t drive, dropping me off for surgery, she’s been there. On the other hand my sister said she might be able to help look after my disabled daughter if it was a real emergency. Words failed me at that and I didn’t dare speak to her for fear of what I might say. I held back because my mum is having a hard time dealing with my dad having dementia. 
    I’m doing  my best to help my friend as she’s now dealing with her father being diagnosed with lung cancer.