Partner being unsupportive

Oh gosh not helpful!! Was-he always like this and you just feel it’s heightened due to your own tough time? My husband listens but doesn’t comment much but he is the strong silent type! I did feel he was not as supportive as I’d like but my neighbour told me he spoke to her and broke down. He had taken my diagnoses v seriously but had shown no emotion to me. It does sound as tho your man is being selfish but he could ask him “how do you really feel about this situation we find ourselves in?” He may be prepared to open up if he sees it’s truly hurting you. I wish you well xxx

Mine has been the same…totally blanked it aside from lifts to and from hospital. Never felt so disappointed in another person. I am sorry you are going through it too. X

I have to say my husband is being rather silent too. He sits glued to his iPad most of the time. But does all the practical stuff willingly. Although when I asked him to buy healthy food when he shopped - but a good quality ready meal would be ok - he brought a Chinese meal from the supermarket which I hardly ate. In fact I hardly ate a thing all day and he didn’t appear to notice. I’m finding it quite hard and have been very tearful. 

I suspect that this is really common. I wonder if he is just struggling with it all and it is all just building up inside him and he has not got any vent to release his feelings about it all? He probably does feel like he is doing a lot, or more than he was before you had cancer. But I completely understand why you needed him to do this thing for you - collecting an item is not a big ask really,but maybe there is something more underlying his response? Would he talk to the macmillan helpline or a counsellor, or is that not his thing? 

Am so sorry Hel39. Maybe blanking it is his way of dealing with it? I know that is so tough on you though. Do you have good friends and family to support you emotionally through this? 

Thanks- luckily my friends are brilliant and my family have been very good with the practical help. X

Hello,

It's rotten isn't it!! This is sounding familiar.  I had the same and may I add, 2.5 years since diagnosis,  I'm now divorced and living the best life. He did me a favour even though it was hard at the time. He showed his true colours.  Cancer did me a favour.  Don't waste your  time on anyone unless they are absolutely worth it. 

Love jules 

Is it possible that he's finding it hard to deal with emotionally,  and has gone into practical mode as a way of coping? Could you have a discussion about your diagnosis and treatment and how it's affected him? It might ne the lat thing you want right now,  bit might throw some light on his behaviour.  Times like these can also throw up memories if part experiences with other loved ones with a serious illness,  and that could be affecting his behaviour too. 

When I was going through treatment I felt really unattractive and vulnerable, but was supported by my husband who'd successfully helped his mother through treatment follow bowel cancer twice. 

Hi Unicorn22

It may be, as others have said, that he can't deal with the effects of his partner having cancer and this is his way of dealing with it.  I also think people take out their frustrations on the ones they love the most.  He's frustrated as the cancer has happened to both of you, after all.  He's dealing with the effects of the change in lifestyle as well as you (although you are having to endure the cancer and its treatment, obviously!)

Trying to see things from his point of view might help a little to understand exactly what he said  - "can't you get it posted?" and he's "doing everything already" - Whether it's true or not, he FEELS like he is doing all the practical stuff because you can't and it has been an impact on his life and he's possibly feeling that you could reduce this by getting it posted, instead of sending him on another practical errand. Women and men are entirely different creatures and women do do emotional support - a LOT of men don't! 

You are vulnerable at the moment and this is not the time to question if the relationship is right for you.  The time to do that is when you reflect AFTER you have been through treatment and got through the worst of it.

To get through it now, from personal experience of a 100% useless partner.  He answered his telephone to a business call just at the time the surgeon was saying "you do understand that you have cancer don't you?".  Then when we left the appointment, he got on the phone to his workers immediately and started organising the work. He was off the phone when we got into the car and said "imagine having it in your nuts".  From that point on, I decided I was NOT going to expect anything from him whatsoever in the future.  I had my last mammogram on 26th May (still waiting results - but I work on the principal, no news is good news) and despite it being the same time every year for the last 4 years, he hasn't remembered and I haven't even bothered to tell him I was going to have it. (He is the most self centred person I have ever met).  If I don't expect anything, I don't get disappointed. so, in the meantime, maybe that's the theory you can work with. 

I look at the relationship overall - look at the good parts and negatives and as long as the good parts outweigh the negatives, then I'll continue with it.  They day the balance tips the other way, is the day I say it's over (we have our own houses, so that's an easier decision for me - 2nd partners / in our 50's). 

Perhaps something for you to do now is to look at his positives and ignore his negatives.  Then, question your relationship if you feel the need to, afterwards.  Now you need to be concentrating your efforts into dealing with your health - and not adding to your worries by thinking about your relationship.

Kindest wishes, Lesley

Thank you so much this is very helpful and I’m glad to know I’m not alone x