Friend has a worse diagnosis than me - feeling guilty

Not at all. I have been in a similar position from the other side. My friend was diagnosed with BC and I was supporting her as I had BC in 2013 and could really empathise, she had chemo, lumpectomy and radiotherapy. Then 5 months later I was diagnosed with an aggressive reoccurrence and have had longer chemotherapy and a mastectomy. We have gotten through it together, she’s felt incredibly guilty that mine was ‘worse’ but I personally feel that’s not true. Whatever your diagnosis there are demons to fight as well as the physical aspects of the cancer treatment. It’s very true that for some of us we want to distance ourselves from the cancer world after our treatments and move on, some don’t, it’s all so personal. Sometimes we’ve talked a lot, sometimes we haven’t, I think you’ve just got to play it by ear and muddle through the best way you can. I feel bad for her that she has 10 years of tablets to take tbh! I don’t have that. As hard as it is our different diagnosis have aspects that are easier and aspects that are harder, one size really doesn’t fit all. Please don’t feel guilty, just try to be the friend you’d have liked to have in your corner if you can do that, just don’t forget your own needs. Some counselling may help you with this maybe? X

Breast cancer is always awful, whether it’s early stage and easily treated, or advanced and aggressive, so cut yourself some slack. I’m sorry about your friend, but also sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Thank goodness yours was caught early but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel all the things you’re feeling. You have a right to your feelings. This is not a verruca or the common cold. 

Hi. I understand totally how you feel. I had a screening detected small Grade 2 IDC picked up in November 21. One successful op 5 sessions of RT and I was done ( bar 5 years of Anastrozole) I'm back at work and doing all the things I did prior to being diagnosed. It feels surreal.

At the same time a friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 very aggressive and very advanced  BC and declined all treatment. She has since passed away. 

It was really hard to reconcile our two experiences and I too feel like I have " got off lightly".  But as others have said, that is not the case. A diagnosis of cancer is just that, a diagnosis of cancer, and that impacts each person.

I had a couple of sessions of counselling which helped me start to process the survivors guilt i felt. When my friend was diagnosed it terrified me both for her and for me as it triggered all those fears I had at that time. We did keep in touch though ( we lived in different parts of the country) and we now have another puppy from her dogs to join his sister who we originally got 20 months ago ( which was how we met) She would have loved that as she loved the updates I sent her on our first dog.

You can't change your friends diagnosis and nor should you feel guilty about it and how it makes  you feel ..those are your feelings and they are valid. What you can do  you is understand how she feels as we all go through the same emotional journey ( although in our own way) and do the best you can to be there for her when you can.

Sending you both love x

Hi stilldazed

I had the same diagnosis as you Gd 1,Stage 1 ER+ 15mm IDC and 54mm of DCIS - I 'just' needed lumpectomy and 15 sessions of radio.  I was back at work 2 days after my operation despite having 80mm taken out and drove the 60 mile round trip to radio easily.  I haven't had any real issues on the tablets either and I've just had my last mammogram (still waiting results) before I am 'signed off'.  

A friend was diagnosed a month after me with HER2 & ER+, she needed chemo and was off work for a year.  Then the ER+ tabets affected her bones and I met her at our town's county show - she was having to ride around in a mobility scooter.  I was 51 on diagnosis and she was only a few years older than me. She's ended up having 2 hip operations.  

I have said all along that I was, and am, 'lucky' that mine was so easily treatable and I felt devastated for my friend.  In contrast she was nothing other than pleased to meet up with someone else who had had breast cancer and never once did I get the feeling that it made it worse for her.  If you talk to other people who haven't had cancer, do you think they feel guilty that you have it and they haven't?  Try and look at this way to prevent yourself feeling guilty.  I just counted my lucky stars that I didn't need chemo.

It doesn't make you a horrible person to not want to discuss cancer, but maybe try and see if by supporting her it affects you adversely as at the moment you are just worried that it might affect you and you might find that your worries are unfounded.  If it does, then perhaps you can explain this to her as I am pretty sure she will really and truly understand it.

Glad to hear that you are moving on better now.

Kindest wishes, Lesley