Grieving the marriage we had before cancer

Hello SomersetToStoke, sounds like you guys have been through a hell of a lot even if cancer had never happened, let alone having had to go through this too. It is clear that you love her and that you care, and while the old "normal" may be within reach, how to get there can be elusive. 

Both Maggie's and Macmillan can offer help, it may be an idea to contact both organisations, see what each has to offer, and decide if either or both seem like something you might want to go for. With both there is also the option to just walk in and talk to someone, if they are at a convenient distance from where you are.

There is also an online group right here on this website, the family and friends forum, where others in similiar situations may be able to offer advice from their own experience. 

Meanwhile, I don't want you to feel guilty about the resentment and anger. These are valid feelings. I would just try not to take it out on each other until you can get the help you need.

Hello,

I hope I can help as I'm the other side of this. I was diagnosed in 2019 and was married and ultimately my husband left me and was having an affair as he couldn't cope with my diagnosis. We are now divorced and he's since regretted his actions. I did change during my treatment but now 2.5 years later, I'm back to almost normal.  Fun and happy. A better person from this experience and treasure every day. 

What I'm trying to say is,  she will be herself,  just be patient and everything will be OK.

It's too late for me and my x now but I do know that I'm 99% me again.

Hope this helps.

Julie 

I was diagnosed in August 2020 and it still feels like early days. As far as I'm aware, my husband hasn't felt resentment or anger - he has been nothing but incredibly supportive throughout, but cancer has taken a mental toll on both of us. We are doing fine on a day to day basis but we are both still adjusting to what has happened. 

I went through chemo, lumpectomy, radiotherapy and now 5 years of hormone treatment which has put me into a medical menopause so a LOT going on!

I don't think anyone can fully comprehend the time it takes to process everything - and now cancer is always with us too. I have been to my doctor twice recently about lumps and aches and pains that have thankfully turned out to be nothing, but the raise anxiety levels again for both of us. It is a life-changing diagnosis.

I am a very positive and upbeat person but I still find myself overwhelmed and tearful or having flashes of anger from menopausal surges.

Things have got significantly better but we are not through to the other side yet. I fully recognise that my husband has gone through this too and we support each other. In many ways, I think it must be harder to watch a loved one have cancer than have it yourself. I know it has taken a huge toll on my husband as well so we are kind to each other and recognise that.

Hopefully you are able to stick in there and try and get through this time together, if that's what you want. But it is early days.

I guess we have had an easy run of it as my BC was caught very early and a mastectomy was the only treatment.  But I am changed of course in many ways.  My partner has told me that when I came out of my appointment and told him my diagnosis that he vowed to surround me with gentle care and love.  He has been amazing.  Our life is different but there are still lovely times to be had.  He makes me laugh every day and we find interest in the smallest things.  I think it is important to work with what you have today to live your best life today.  Being too attached to an idea of what you were would make this feel harder for me I think.  

I am not sure that I would be best placed to be able to make this better for him if he was struggling. I would encourage him to start seeing a counsellor to talk it through and gain an understanding of how things are for him and why.  

Thank you for your post. It’s really good to read things from a husbands point of view. We’re only a couple of months into this but I know it’s taking it’s toll on mine. He’s been wonderful to me but pretty short fused with others. It’s very easy for us women to go full on ‘oh woe is me’ and ‘I’ve got cancer don’t treat me like that’ we can milk it for all it’s worth. Sometimes we should and sometimes we shouldn’t.

I would suggest that you need to take some time out for yourself, you can’t support others if you’re not in a good place. Do something selfish, see a GP, talk to other men. Admit that you need some time out so that you can continue to support. X