Just can't get my head around it

Hi there. I’m not at your stage yet but can relate (maybe because I’m Worcester too) to everything going so fast.  I described it to a friend as like running down hill in high heels. I had my mammogram on 20 aug and am now three weeks past mastectomy. I was told it was likely that would be it.  Then I got told on the surgery day “if we find that you had invasive cancer in the breast you’ll need to stop your pill”  So I’m feeling really anxious about the appointment. Which was tomorrow but they just rang to reschedule to next week.  I just burst into tears, I’d been patching myself up so much for tomorrow.  I know it doesn’t make a difference to the out one but I want to know.  

I also have a weird sense that of ‘that’s it’ I don’t warrant having had cancer.  Which is strange because I’m one boob and two lymph nodes lighter than I was….  But I can relate to it being a whirlwind and not processing it yet.  

i am sore and tired which also doesn’t give you great perspective does it! 

I wish there was something useful I could say - but “big up the Worcester boob gang!”

x

I felt like this after my first diagnosis in 2013, diagnosis, lumpectomy, radiotherapy, I felt like I was a total fraud, I was offered a pamper pack by Macmillan as I started radiotherapy and a said oh no, that’s not for me, it’s for people who’ve really been ill! I think it must be quite a common feeling xx

Hi Gotchya

I rang the bell because I thought it would seem more real??? Was only fooling myself.  I want to feel lucky but faces haunt me, both from the waiting room and friends and family who have passed with this awful illness.  Don't get me wrong cancer wasn't on my bucket list. I'm hoping to get some counselling soon.

Good luck for the future x

Hi Boaterry

Like you say diagnosis, surgery, treatment all in a short time frame does feel strange but now I'm beginning to think, look how far the treatment has come for BC patients.  Today has been a better day for me, just reaching out on this forum has given me a sense of relief that I'm not in this alone.

Best of luck for the future x

Hello. Yes I can empathise too. Click my name to read my tale. Mind you, you never know how long those nasty cells were in you and I picked mine up as I had a dimple and felt a lump. I too was dealt with very quickly but am suffering with some post rads swelling. I do feel lucky, I know there are lots of people all at different stages of cancer, treatment etc - this site is testament to how many people there are and never mind the havoc of bloody covid. I think the trick for me is to try and move on but I have to say that's harder than you say. There are tools and people to help you. I'm going to see how I go and maybe in New Year see how I feel about it all. Everyone deals with an illness or just life differently. This is just your way. Just keep going .. one day at a time x

Hi 

Although I have yet to have my surgery ( planned for 7th Dec) my journey has been straightforward so far. Screening mammogram week 1  recall next week for secondary screening week 2 ( mammogram, ultrasound  biopsy) meeting with consultant week3 with confirmed surgery date 3 weeks later . No other tests needed caught early and expectation from team is possibly 5 days of radiotherapy and then drug therapy. 

Of course I have to get through surgery and full biopsy of my 8mm invasive ductal tumour so  either may throw up some curved balls but if it goes as my consultant says she expects I could be finished with treatment round about end Jan / Feb so 4 months. 

I had a full on melt down initially catastrophising but once I got the confirmed diagnosis I've been largely ok and trust my consultant. I'm still working and the BC team have all be so matter of fact with a clear expectation that I'll be getting on with my life fairly soon and tell me it's "100% sortable"

It is surreal and where I have got to so far is that is why we have a screening programme so things are caught as early as possible. I had to stop my HRT but so far that's been OK bar noticeable return of stiff joints . 

I do understand your comments totally and can really identify with them. I may have some counselling when I complete my treatment if I feel I need to deal with how I feel about thing but right now I'm grateful for the speedy and competent care I've received. Even my GP rang to see if I was OK- I hardly know her !! 

I had same as you Jurassicgirl,only my tumour was 10mm,opp was nothing to worry about,healed as expected,had 5nodes taken out with a 10mm clear margin around tumour,5 sessions of radio which I finished last week,and a couple of calls from GP.Good look,am sure you will be fine.

Thank you Gotchya . I hope so. I've had a couple of surgeries in past 10yrs for keyhole gallbladder and 4 years ago for a rather smashed up wrist that needed some metalwork so know I generally heal up fairly speedily but want that detailed biopsy of my BC so next steps can be confirmed for certain ! Xx

Waiting is the worst in my opinion,hope all goes well.x

I totally understand how you are feeling Homesick.  My view is that everything happens so quickly and the adrenaline keeps us moving through appointments and surgery that our minds take a bit of time catching up. My treatment on my right side was completed in September (with 5 years of Anastrozole) but as you say as I had breast conserving surgery and I didn’t need chemo it almost didn’t feel real.  I saw the bell as I walked out alone after my final radiotherapy session - no-one mentioned ringing it which sort of reinforced my thoughts of feeling like a fraud yet I was very tearful/emotional that day.   Unfortunately I found another very small lump on the other side in October. Very rare for this to happen and I only mention it as this time I feel my mind had very much caught up with everything. I literally ‘felt’ I had cancer this last few weeks - we did have cancer and it is ok to validate our own experience of it and be kinder to ourselves.  I had another lumpectomy on Friday and no reason to expect the treatment to be any different this time around (although another worrying wait :-) take good care xx