Hi everyone, I'm new to the Macmillan Cancer Support group and the Breast Cancer Forum (joined this morning). I've joined because I really need to share my feelings (and hopefully get support and be able to offer support) of 'not being able to get my head around it' and of feeling fraudulent.
I will start at the beginning (which is usually the best place to start 
). I attended a routine mammogram on 24.07.2021, 10 days later I received a letter asking me to attend the Breast Cancer Clinic at Worcester on 14.08.2021 for further tests, to include a biopsy. I was told I would get my results by 21.08.2021, however, this was delayed due to staffing levels in pathology/histology. I finally got my result on 27.08.2021 - BREAST CANCER. Did my world fall apart - no (I didn't feel anything) I just sat there thinking "I thought you had to have someone with you if you were being given bad news"? My pragmatic side quickly kicked in and I started asking the obvious questions, how big was the lump - 5mm (wow that's small I thought - not that I had any idea about these things and what the size meant). The Consultant said that it could not be felt and I would have not detected it during self examination. Next question, where do we go from here? The consultant told me that surgery (lumpectomy) was scheduled for 10.09.2021 and that apart from the pre-op I would have a 'magseed' implanted in my left breast (cancer) to aid the consultant during surgery and a sentinel node biopsy. There would be radiotherapy following this and that the Oncology department would contact me to discuss length and number of treatments involved.
So, the surgery took place on 10.09.2021 and I had my follow-up appointment with the consultant on 24.09.2021 - "no more surgery for you, you're CANCER FREE," I burst into tears (the first and only time I have cried) and laughed at the same time. The lumpectomy had been a huge success, the lump and margin that had been removed was 10mm in total, 2 nodes had been removed and tested, they were clear, it had not spread (relief). I was given lots of information from the Breast Care Nurses regarding support for me going forward.
As I walked out of the hospital the thought occurred to me - how can you be diagnosed with breast cancer on 27.08.2021 and then be cancer free on 24.09.2021? I'd never heard of anyone (and still haven't) having cancer for such a short period of time. Friends and family kept telling me that I had been lucky, that it had been caught early.......... I didn't feel lucky I felt and feel like a fraud. I'm struggling to 'get my head around' the fact that I've had cancer (I even hate saying the word as I don't feel I have the right to use it). During my appointments I sat in the waiting room surrounded by women and men older/younger than me (I'm 55 by the way) looking ravaged by the cancer and treatment that they were going through. I felt and looked positively healthy compared to them and wondered if they were looking at me as if to say what is she doing here? I know they were concentrating on themselves but still........
So, I started my radiotherapy on 21.10.2021 for 5 days (22.10.2021 - my birthday, what a birthday present!) I had my last session on 27.10.2021 and was asked if I wanted to 'ring the bell'? I did, and the staff took pictures and a video of me doing this. I then sent a photo to all my friends and family captioned 'Cancer Survivor' - boy did I feel like a fraud!!
So therein lies the problem - how can I be a cancer survivor when I had it for such a short space of time? I've seen members of my family and friends who have passed from cancer looking and feeling so poorly with it. I haven't lost my hair (it's definitely thinning), nor weight (I could really do with losing some) nor my appetite (it's still as voracious as ever)........
I'm not looking for validation, maybe sharing my story/feelings and reading others will help me to get this into perspective before it completely consumes me.
Sorry for such a long first post.
