Hi all,
I have had a really bad weekend with my emotions.
I received 4 letters from the hospital on Saturday morning 3 of which were for appointments.
One of which I wasn't expecting as Dr never mentioned this at my meeting on Thursday.
These appointments are all for next week and while I should be grateful I am being seen very quickly ,as all in all its only taken 4 weeks from an initial consultation with my GP to get to the point where I am and should begin treatment week after next, I can't help feeling worried that all this is moving quickly as it is something more serious than I have been told.
Not sure if it was this that triggered my bad weekend but I spent most of it upset and crying, I haven't slept much at all and eaten very little.
I read all the leaflets I had been given from the hospital and then in an instant decided I was not going to have any treatment what so ever.
Situation wasnt helped by the news of the death of a fellow sufferer , couldnt help but think if I only had 12 months did I want to spend it putting myself through all the treatments and operation.
Spoke to Macmillan but that still didnt help.
Spoke to mum and hubby amd that made it worse.
Rang my breast nurse team this morning and left message.
She rang me back this afternoon and we had a long chat and she expliained all of my letters to me.
She told me it was perfectly normal to feel like this as I had been told life changing news and it was I was trying to process it all in such a short time.
Had a good cry while on phone to her and she was brill.
She told me the first 6 months were the hardest and waiting just makes your mind go into overdrive.
She isn't wrong there.
Still don't feel brill but have started to knit my grandson a jacket to see if I can focus on something else because at the minute I feel like I am waiting around for the inevitable to happen.
Not even able to drag myself out of my nightwear I simply can't be bothered.
Never felt so down in my life,I am normally very upbeat and level headed but this has really knocked me for six.
Sorry for the doom and gloom when I know everyone is so positive about their treatment and outcomes just wish I had that same enthusiasm as everyone else.
It's very normal to have a few days where you are worried as you wait for tests and decisions to made. Once you have the results, a plan will be made and you will feel more in control. It's a good thing you don't have long to wait for the appointments. It happens in lots of hospitals. I didn't wait long between mine and even the waits that can't be avoided because analysis takes a set time were the minimum. But my treatment worked and my cancer was nearly six years ago.
Sarah Harding's death is very sad but she admitted that she delayed being seen for treatment. She has written about her experiencrs in the hope others won't delay. Your situation is quite different. You have been seen and are being investigated quickly. That was Sarah's second difficulty.....the initial dalays when Covid first started.
I won't say ' don't worry' because you will but please remember that many contributors on these BC threads have had treatment and are recovering or clear of cancer for some time. Tears are good, down days are normal but once you know where you're heading....there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to give up just yet........
Love Karen
