Feeling in limbo

Hi Red robin 101 welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. 

You dont need to feel guilty nor feel that taking time for you is something to feel bad about because its not and you are feeling what a lot of us feel coming to this point in the treatment and its ok to feel like that.

I imagine that you have been on what I have heard described as the Roller-coaster of Breast Cancer  and when you step on it just keeps moving and you cant/don't get off. Then suddenly it stops and all is quiet and not so many people around and that's when you get time to think and the thoughts go into free-fall and again that's OK and perfectly normal. Your life has been on hold for almost a year and throw Covid in there and it has been the strangest year ever and so much has changed for us all

Going back to work after such a long time off is daunting for any of us and I wonder if  there is any way you can have phased return to work?   

Sending some huge big hugs your way for now. xxx

Thank you for your kind words

I have always been the strong one in our family and the one who takes controI but also worries a lot 

Dealing with cancer through COVID was challenging but it was nice in a way for others to take the lead and take care of me for a change….I liked that but didn’t like the fact that in order to step back and be cared for I had to experience cancer (do you know what I mean)

I love my family with all my heart and I know they love me but I feel now I am well, which is bloody fantastic, everything has gone back to them relying on me again and I think that is what is upsetting me 

My husband and eldest son, who is 23 struggles to show their feelings and sometimes didn’t know how to react when I was struggling with chemo.  My youngest son on the other hand who is 19 sat and held my hand.

I did try and hide how I was feeling from them and said it was all ok even if it really wasn’t but wanted to protect them but I feel I shut away a lot of feelings I maybe should have released.  It’s ok to not be ok I guess. If anyone said how are you I would always say I was doing fine so they didn’t worry

i just don’t like feeling this sadness 

Are all these feelings normal??

xxxx

Hi Redrobin, sadly you are not alone, there are lots of threads on here that start like yours. I think that once the rollercoaster of diagnosis and treatment fades, the long process of retrospectively dealing with what has happened to you kicks in. It’s a strangely vulnerable and emotionally draining time. Maybe talking to a Macmillan nurse on the helpline might help? Plus Macmillan offer counselling and at this stage of the ‘journey’ it’s just as important a time to get support as any other, all the best ️

Thank you 

I think I will contact someone.

I never thought I would need counselling that’s the thing. When it was mentioned at appointments etc., I would always say ‘no I’ll be fine’ but I guess now I’m at this stage, where I may actually need to speak with someone 

Thank you fir this advice and kindness xx

Well we’re always here too if writing it out helps, it sometimes does xx

I really do appreciate that, thank you.

I hope you are well and send my best wishes to you xxx