Am I being selfish ?

Gosh, I feel for you! Im Not in the same predicament as you but I absolutely know that this is about you right now and you have to do what is right for you. It is so much to take in that even you can’t take it in let alone share it with others. Maybe you will feel like talking to him At a later time in your journey but right now this is about you. Do what you want to do and don’t be swayed by others. I went to ground when I got my diagnosis and didn’t want to let anyone in bar my family.  I only now have opened up to friends. You need time to process everything yourself. I’m not sure this has helped but I just felt for you. Hopefully they will understand you need time yourself to process this. Thinking of you. Hope it all works out. Xx

You are not being selfish at all. I refused to tell anyone the dates of my appointments because people would pressure me to meet them afterwards, or expect news that I was still absorbing myself.

Do lay down the law with your ex and make it clear to him that while you value his support, especially for your kids, you do have boundaries around this process and he shouldn't expect to be heavily involved. If he has worries etc, direct him to ring the Macmillan helpline.

On a positive note it's lovely he's being so supportive and wanting to envelope you in a family help.  He obviously still cares about you, albeit in platonic, family way.

You need to be strong though if you feel overwhelmed by what is effectively "fussing".  I have a sister who fusses, a real drama queen!  I can't cope with it and she know now as I and my daughter have told her she needs to calm down and back off!!  Doesn't stop but it makes me feel better about ignoring her texts!!

So you need to message your ex.  Just say that you are appreciative of his and his mother's support but at the moment you are still in shok and struggling to process so you are not upto meeting before or after the appointment and will feel better if it's just you and your daughter.  Say I know it's a lot for our daughter to have to be my main support but at the moment just having here there for this appointment makes me feel less panicked.  Say once I have my full treatment plan and have digested the news I have cancer I may feel more up to being social and leaning on extended family & friends but presently I am too stressed and just want to lock myself away.  Thank you for yours and your mother's support, it is appreciated but I need to just get my head around things and I'll be in touch when I need you.

Agree with the others! Not selfish at all, our cancer does affect others and I’m sure we’re all mindful of that but being bulldozed isn’t acceptable and actually this is very emotionally manipulative behaviour texting your daughter to get her onside. Put your foot down now or this will only get worse. My ex was/is a master emotion manipulator!!! All the best to you x

Slidingdoors

I really get it.  Me too I didn’t tell anyone about my cancer diagnoses because like you, I needed to digest it and try to get an understanding of what was happening.  My husband came with me initially but now he drops and collects me from the station.  I told one friend about my cancer and then over time I gradually let friends know.  I’m having chemo right now.  You could tell them that no-one is allowed to appointments because of Covid.  You could tell them that you are vulnerable to infection -as am I - and that may well be true for you.  Tell them you love them but not ready to talk until you know what’s going on.  They should understand.  I hope I have helped xxx