My mum has recently been diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, grade one. She has to have 8 cycles of chemo before they go in for surgery, she has had 3 cycles of chemo so far. I was completely blind sided by her diagnosis, it’s not something I ever imagined I’d have to experience. I’m a university student going into my 3rd year, I’m currently caring for my mum as it’s the holidays (she was diagnosed shortly after I finished uni for the summer). I feel worried and anxious about my mum all the time, I’m trying my best to be there for her and look after her but after her 3rd chemo she is so fed up of the side affects of chemo and told me she doesn’t want to do it anymore and that she doesn’t care if the cancer kills her. I feel like she is saying this out of frustration and the chemo has affected her so much mentally but I don’t think she realises this as mental health issues are such a taboo of unrecognised in my family. I really want her to keep doing the chemo I know it’s easy for me to say, but I just want my mum back and I want the cancer to be gone I don’t want her to die. I don’t know how to be there for her the way she needs me to me, maybe then she wouldn’t feel like giving up. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard the chemo is on her but the doctors say her breast cancer was caught in early stages and they are hopeful treatment will be successful in reducing her tumour so that they can perform surgery after the 8 cycles of chemo. I’m worried all the time that something will go wrong that she may catch an infection or something, I can’t talk about how I feel with anyone, my friends and family get so upset whenever I try to talk about it which I understand, but I just feel so alone like I have no one to talk to about my worries. I feel so guilty like I am making it all about me when it’s my mum who has cancer, but it’s up to me to car for her and support her and I just don’t feel like I am good enough because if I was good enough maybe she wouldn’t feel like she doesn’t want to continue treatment. I feel so selfish I just want to support her but I don’t know how to make her feel better mentally if not physically. I suffer from anxiety and depression for around 6/7 years since I was around 15. In recent years I felt I had my anxiety and depression in control, but all of this has triggered my anxiety more than ever, im scared I will spiral into deep depression and not be able to care for my mum, I want to be strong for her and im just finding it difficult I just want to be able to talk to someone about it
Sara9, my heart goes out to you and reading your post is so incredibly moving. A cancer diagnosis is never a diagnosis for one, it always affects everyone who loves that person. I’ve been there watching my sister have treatment for Hodgkin’s disease and now I have breast cancer myself and mentally, it was just as hard being there for my sister (who was a single parent of an 18month old) as it is being the person with the cancer now, different but just as challenging and distressing. Please do not feel you are failing her in anyway, your post tells of your dedication and love for your mum and how hard you are trying to support her. I’m so sorry your friends and family aren’t there for you as they could be, sadly something a lot of us experience. Your mum doesn’t feel this way because you aren’t good enough at supporting her or because you’re letting her down in anyway, and I know there’s nothing you can do more in that sense to ‘make’ her feel better. You can’t affect this, you really can’t and you’re not responsible for her feeling the way she does.
You’re right in identifying this as a mental health issue as well as a struggle with the chemo. My first question would be, what side effects is she having? Many physical side effects can be helped with support drugs if she talks to her team, has she been given a breast care nurse? If she has you can contact them to help highlight the issues she is facing, they can’t discuss her with you but you can tell them. What is your gp like? Do your mum and you share the same gp? If they’re one of the good ones you can get support there for you both.
My immediate suggestion for both of you to be honest but I doubt your mum will be receptive at the moment is please ring Macmillan and speak to a nurse for help. They are here for you too and have listened to me a long time and can offer support including counselling sessions. Do not feel for one second that you shouldn’t or it’s not a service for you. It’s exactly a service for you. They can also provide you with details of support organisations (as can the hospital your mum is being treated at hence my suggestion to contact the breast care nurse). The fact that organisations exist to support family members hopefully reassures you that others feel the same as you do and also need supporting.
As much as you love your mum and are putting her first, you must look after yourself too. I can only liken it to the aeroplane advice of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs. Reach out to Macmillan, your gp, support groups for yourself, keep posting here, your worries and questions, someone will always know something or help you with specific concerns. Please don’t identify yourself or your address but what sort of area do you live in and I’ll research some support for you if you don’t have the time or current energy to do it, when you’re low it’s so hard to find the motivation for anything. I have a 12 year old and it’s my biggest and most constant fear that she feels as you do, I really want to reassure you that you aren’t alone. Well done for reaching out and being so caring and loving and the absolute last thing you are is selfish I can assure you xx
I did write a long reply with some hints etc but it refused to send and Anna12345 has covered most of what I wrote.
Just to summarise..I had TNBC in 2015 and I'm still clear.
If mum could join this group herself...perhaps Awake....I think she might find it useful.
Don't make yourself ill while you are caring and being so helpful. Does mum have a friend or relative who could help you with the responsibility?
Make sure she tells her oncologist exactly how the chemo makes her feel.
Sorry this is so blunt but having spent 45 minutes to lose it, I have to do a few jobs now.
Join the Awake thread where there is a lot of experience and someone around to answer so your questions don't disappear in long lists.
Take care. You're doing well. Mum is so lucky to have you.
Love Karen
I’m also a struggling daughter I’m also fear my anxiety with get the better of me but we can’t let it it is the lonely place I have been and it is heartbreaking to see my mum go through the effects of chemotherapy I know exactly how you feel and the fear of the unknown is the unpleasant part it is great you can put it all down in words and let it out I am at the stage where I am just numb I don’t know what to say I don’t know what I’m feeling I don’t know how I’m coping. Just know you’re not alone I wish you all the best we will get both our mums thro this x
I'm sorry you too have found yourself in this difficult situation but as I said to Sara9 your muns are very lucky to have such caring daughters. However, you must be careful not to make yourself ill because the responsibility is too great. Don't forget there is a friends and family ssupport group on this site. You may get better advice. Also try and encourage mum to chat with us too. It doesn't matter how they feel.....there will always be someone who can empathise and offer either practical advice or a listening eear.The Awake thread will often find people so your post doesn't get lost in the many other messages.
I hope all goes well for mum. The treatment can be awful......mine made me quite ill....but it does come to end and for many, like me, the cancer does stay away.
Take care. Love Karen
I'm a mum of a 22 year old who also struggled with anxiety and depression and I have just finished 5 months of chemo and I had surgery last week. I'd be really horrified if I thought my illness was making my daughter ill again and I am sure your Mums would feel the same. Chemo can be really crap, but there's a lot of support out there for both Mum and you.
At the risk of repeating the great advice that's already been shared, I would suggest you speak to the breast care nursing team and make sure Mum has all the meds she needs to manage the side effects. It took me a while to get the right anti sickness drugs (I tried 3 types) and to realize I had to take them before I felt sick! I also took heartburn meds that really helped.
Then for you, please have a chat with your GP or call Macmillan and talk about how you are feeling and how you can help yourself. I hope you can find some time to see your friends, get outdoors, do things that you enjoy. That's about getting a break and it's important for you to do that. There is a lot of support (I was amazed) around and ai'd encourage you to take it. And keep posting on here, people are so supportive.
I hope things improve bit by bit, and you will get through this, it is short term and it is do-able. Take care x
Thank you so much for your kind words Lacomtekp. Unfortunately my mum does not speak English so I am at all her doctors appointments since the beginning to translate for her. Part of the reason I feel so much more worries is because of the language barrier I fear that groups and forums like this that exist are something she cannot benefit from. I try my best to give her emotional support but I know it’s not the same as hearing from people who are going through the same thing as her, I think this is something I will bring up with the breast care nurses at our appointment next week.
What language(s) does she speak @Sara9? Perhaps there might be someone on here who could communicate to her in her native tongue?
This is the first time someone seems to understand how I feel . I think I cried so much at the beginning of mums diagnosis that now I am just so numb that when I try talk about it people say they don’t know how I’m not in tears when speaking about it, but little do they know I’m all out of emotions, and I’m trying so hard not to go into a spiral of depression, only thing that stops me from this is that I remember how much my mum needs me and if she know how I was feeling I know it would worry her more and that’s exactly what I don’t want. Hoping both our mums come out the better side of all this xx
Irishgirl16 thank you so much for your insight, I just would like some advice that as a mum what do you find helpful from a caring daughter? Perhaps there’s things I haven’t tried or am not doing that could make things less hard for her? X
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