Feeling hopeless and helpless after Covid delaying surgery

I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.

it is hard being on your own and dealing with so much.

i also live alone following divorce 4 years ago,I was diagnosed in early July but had to wait til September for mastectomy.  I found the waiting very stressful. But once I realised I had done everything I could in terms of chasing appointments etc. I learnt to relax about it a bit more and use the extra time. I went for walks with friends, did jobs in my garden etc.  What do you enjoy doing?  Try to spend some time on a hobby or something you can enjoy so that the whole day isn’t just about cancer.  

I was so pleased to get rid of the large tumour when my beast was removed that I don’t mind my flat chest. I also couldn’t have reconstruction because of Covid.  I am getting used to my new body shape.  I haven’t yet found a comfortable prosthetic so mostly just go flat. Some of my clothes work with that, some don’t.  Occasionally people give me a strange look, but I think it’s just their own embarrassed curiosity.  You are more than your outward appearance so perhaps try not to focus too strongly on body image.  Or choose one aspect of your appearance you like and give that a boost.  Do you have lovely hair?  Try a new style or colour.  And you have done well to lose weight.  Enjoy your new figure.  But a big smile is the best make up. Can you think of something that makes you smile?

there is an organisation called Flat Friends that might help you with having had to lose your breasts while you wait for reconstruction. Www.flatfriends.org.uk

And yes, balancing work with cancer is difficult. I am now going through chemotherapy so not able to go to work due to needing to shield. I started working in care in May after I lost all my work in music due to the pandemic.  It may be months before I can go back to work and I really miss it. 

Sorry I don’t want to give you a long list of stuff, but don’t rule out your mum and your children.  I understand not wanting to burden them (I also have 3 children in their twenties) but if you don’t tell them anything about how you feel it is hard for them to support you and they may feel you are shutting them out.  Maybe just say a little and see how they respond.

Above all, big hugs, good wishes, and be kind to yourself.

Try to enjoy today.

Hi jejke,

thanks for wading through all that and replying!

And thanks for the link to flatfriends, I’ll definitely have a look at their site. I just feel that the surgeons don’t care about how the surgery affects me mentally, as long as they’ve done what they need to do to my body.

I appreciate everything you’ve said, but smiles are few and far between right now, as is motivation and finding anything about my appearance to like.

I’ve made an appointment with my GP for next week as I can feel my mental health worsening, and I feel I need something more than just counselling now. I don’t know how it is in the rest of the country, but where I am, mental health support for cancer patients has to be asked for, it isn’t offered, and nobody has followed up with me, they diagnose you then leave you to ask for help, instead of offering it from the outset. I find it poor.

Anyway, thanks for the good wishes, I hope everything is going well for you too. xx

Hi 25 2,  | suffered with my mental health before being diagnosed and I, too, live alone with only 1 daughter,  Please don't think that your friends are too busy to listen to you.  I have a very good friend who has 6 children, 5 at home, and she is very supportive to me.  People want to help but they don't know you need it if you don't ask. 

Hi. My double mastectomy with reconstruction was booked for May then cancelled due to covid. I had 3 different types of breast cancer and the BRCA1 gene. They agreed to do the single mastectomy. I eventually saw the plastic surgeon who told me it was a year waiting list for risk reducing and reconstruction. I complained to the ccg. They then agreed to do another single that I’m getting next week however I will now need to wait 18months for the reconstruction. This has been the worst bit is fighting for treatment and waiting. I’m relaxed now about the reconstruction wait but like u, my mental health suffered. I’m so sorry u are feeling like this and I would request another appointment. Explain that it’s ONLY the wait that is making u feel like this. My plastic surgeon was awful to me. Talk to ur friends too. There are also some really got mastectomy groups on Facebook. Much love xxx

Hi Fiona,

thanks for your reply. Sorry you’re going through it too. I spoke to my Breast Care nurse yesterday, to be told our hospital does not have dedicated psychological support for cancer patients! So she couldn’t get me referred.

luckily, I also had made an appointment with my GP yesterday, she’s already received a letter from the plastic surgeon saying I will need to have risk-reduction without re-construction, so she was ready and more than willing to refer me to a psychiatrist. But again, who knows when I’ll get that, because of covid.

sorry you also had a bad experience with the plastic surgeon! Mine is a woman, and apparently breast reconstruction is her speciality, yet I wasn’t treated like a person, just a felt like I was a faulty piece of flesh that needs re-shaping, no empathy or compassion at all. We’re all painfully aware that Covid is delaying things, but a bit of understanding that the wait takes a toll would be nice.

I have no idea when I’ll have the other mastectomy, apparently newly diagnosed women are being booked for early December, but I doubt I’ll get it before January. Luckily I have a mammogram already booked for the end of January, but that doesn’t make the wait any easier.

thanks for sharing your experience with me. I hope we both get through this sooner rather than later! xx

Hello, I can identify with so much of what you are going through. I was diagnosed with breast cancer (her2 positive) 3 years ago. I had a lumpectomy, chemo, then was diagnosed with Brca2 so opted to have ovaries/fallopian removed and double mastectomy (which meant I wouldn't have radiotherapy). I was to have reconstruction, but needed to get my bmi down. I worked really hard at it, but was 10lbs short of meeting my target so in the end (because I hadn't had radiotherapy) the consultant advised me to have the double mastectomy without any further delay. My head was in the place that I had prepared for the reconstruction but not going flat. I actually ended up having a drink with my friend and we toasted my bosoms - appreciating what they had been to me, to thank them and to say goodbye. More than anything I wanted to get rid of the brca2 risk as much as I could.

I have now got nhs provided prosthesis and no-one would know they are not real bosoms, they are amazing. I will go for reconstruction at some point, but I don't regret having the surgery.  it took some adjustment, some tears as I acknowledged some grief for their loss, but you will come out the other side. It's a brave decision, but you are putting your family and yourself first.  I had help - when I was first diagnosed I was having panic attacks and my GP prescribed anti depressants and something for anxiety, which helped.  You have had so much to deal with, it's no wonder you are feeling like this. [edited by admin]  I also went to our local Maggies centre, I was lucky there was one locally. I don't know what is on offer there just now with Covid, but they do have online support as well and if there is a centre near you or within travelling distance, they have psychologists who can talk about how cancer has affected you and you could talk about your mum too, because that must be having an effect on you.  They can also offer help to your children.  The MacMillan helpline is good to talk to someone as well, plus the breastcancernow has a helpline 0808 800 6000.  I spent one phone call to breastcancernow just after I was diagnosed doing nothing but cry and sobbed out a few words, but they were great.  I wish you all the best.  Take care xxx