Moving on

Hi

Im feeling the exact same way as you. I was diagnosed a year ago and finished treatment in July. I was told it was gone but all I can think about is it coming back. I’ve been on a ‘where now’ course with Maggies but it’s not helped, and tonight all I’ve seen on the tv is programmes where people have died from cancer. Last night I slept on the side of my op and today I’m painful and sore .... is it the way I slept on it .... or is it back? I don’t know the answers to this but I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I’m just all consumed with worry and fear so I’m with you on the way you feel xx

I was diagnosed last year and finished treatment in June, although other treatments will obviously go in for 10 yrs (if I’m around that long!)

My cancer was stage 3 hormone + and I too was told it’s highly likely it will resurface at some point. I’m quite a strong person and feel like I’ve accepted that this is my fate.

I do not however want to lay down and die. I want to travel and go places I’ve always dreamt of going and try new things! Covid has obviously put a dampener on this plan but also my husband has. He asked me why I was so down about not being able to plan a holiday this year! . As far as he is concerned my cancer has gone and now life should return to normal.

My life will never be normal again, even if my cancer never returns. I feel like I am a different person to what I was 12 months ago. 

I am now post menopausal after having an elective oophorectomy and although I am managing my hot flushes well with the use of oil of evening primrose oil everything else has changed, sex drive, hair,skin! I feel like I’ve aged ten years in the last six months.

i am returning to work soon hopefully (stayed away longer than planned due to covid) and although I’m looking forward to a new routine I am anxious about the fatigue and chemo brain. 

Sorry to have ranted x

Hi I'm feeling exactly the same I was diagnosed with breast cancer  in jan 2019 and had op and 12 lymph nodes removed and 7 were cancerous , had chemo and radiotherypy which I finished in Oct 2019. I am now on anastrozole for 5 years and a trial drug x

 It is good to know I'm not alone with these feelings and to share them.

I feel as though I don't know this person who looks back in th mirror at me anymore , as this person has no hair and looks sad all the time. Am I being daft ?

I want to go back to work at sometime, is there  a right time to go back ? I have aches and pains and fatigue and chemo brain.

I also keep keep thinking about what if it comes back.

Hello 

I was diagnosed 2 year 5 months ago and know just what you are saying.  It’s like that thought is never far from your mind. Everyone else just thinks it’s all over but as you say we are still having the treatment, Aromatese inhibitors and Zoledronic acid, with all their side affects. You are so right it’s like having an unwanted visitor at your door every day.

Although I feel like  I got away lightly with the treatment I had, just having to have lumpectomy and radiotherapy, I have experienced continuous pain since the radiotherapy which has recently been put down to Costochondritis but every little thing makes you think of a return of the cancer.

Don’t really know what the answer is but for me having a referral to a clinical psychologist attached to the cancer unit has really helped me, it is someone that you can talk through your fears with, without feeling there is a wall or that you are being judged or upsetting your nearest and dearest. If nothing else it may help you to cry, I’ve never cried so much as when I was given this space. Don’t know if this is available in your area but in my experience it’s worth asking for a referral to the psychology team either through your Clinic/Breast Nurse or your GP. By the way this is not something I would have ever previously considered doing.

I’ve never posted on here before but like you have read lots of the articles and answers to questions that have really helped. Just knowing that others understand what you’re going through helps.

Hope this is an option for you and hope it helps to know you are not on your own.

Good morning all......

I had my TNBC in 2015. I thought I would post here because one of you asked....do people survive. Well, yes, I am still here and in less than a month now I have my 5 year mammogram. By coincidence the appointment has been made on the anniversary of the day I had my lumpectomy. My surgeon has always said that that was the day, I personally, stopped having cancer.

But, knowing that hasn't made a jot of difference to my mental reactions. I wish I could tell you not to worry....that in four years and twenty six days, you will wake up and feel back to your old pre cancer self. You won't worry anymore that it will return and the aches and pains from treatments will have disappeared. Sadly I can't.  

I suppose at this point I have a new acceptance of the changes cancer made to my life. I think I am a lot older than you are so for me, a small part of my brain has always told myself that I had had a good life up to 2015. I am learning to accept that the peripheral neuropathy caused by the chemo which permanently destroyed nerves in my feet, will never go away and will always need treating. Some days are better than others. But some I can only do things for 20/30 minutes before I have to stop as my leg simply gives way. I ask myself what my retirement might have been like without these problems caused by the chemo. Then I feel guilty because I am alive and can still enjoy lots  of nice things. Then I worry that I won't recognise the problem quickly enough if it comes back somewhere else. I didn't even find the original tumours. ...the regular two yearly mammogram I have where I live, did that.

Like you have found, there are few people you can talk to. My OH has been amazing. I do try to explain how I feel. He is Type 1 diabetic and has been injecting insulin for most of our 46 year marriage so he has an inkling of the frustration of never being completely free from the problems cancer left behind but not that continual fear that it might return. And friends have no idea. ....sometimes I think they almost envy the fact that for a few months during treatment I was the centre of attention. Have you noticed how many ' bad knees', migraines  or IBS symptoms develop among your friends if you ever dare to express that despite the cancer being removed, you still aren't fully recovered? It's a very lonely world out there.

Then there's the ' cancer hasn't  beaten me ' brigade who maintain that they had BC and now it's  gone, life is fine. Cancer won't  beat them. Well, no, it won't  beat me and hopefully not you either, but doesn't their extra positivity make you feel guilty again. I shouldn't have days when I feel I despair. I should be out there, smiling normality. In truth I think there is more healing in recognising the changes that cancer has brought than the pretence that nothing is different. If things are the same.....those people have in my opinion been very lucky indeed.

I hope I haven't depressed you. I just wanted to reinforce the normality of the way you feel. I have found actually posting on this site very helpful. There are days when the newly diagnosed ask practical questions, I know I can advise on. Other days when someone just needs some empathy.....I have plenty of that. But there are other times when quite selfishly, I need the virtual connection that friendship with people you will probably only ever know by their handle.....the anonymity that brings.....which enables us to share the bleaker days but laugh too. I keep telling myself that after five years, there are plenty of other people who can give advice and in fact there have been so many developments in treatment, most of my own experience is outdated. However, I can't quite bring myself to stop checking.....I tell myself that just maybe overnight someone will ask something that I can give encouragement for.......but I know in reality that it is me who gains most from not quite making a total break. Something in my head says....if I stay chatting on Awake or join in the Walking Back to Happiness I won't miss a sign should the cancer return. Already in preparation for the next mammogram  my breast aches daily with shooting pains. It has happened every time. I also am quite sure the tests will be negative.  Mind over matter they say ....The pain will have disappeared the next day.

I hope you will all continue to stay cancer free or respond to your next treatments. I think you must reassure yourselves that the uncertainty is the reality now. It doesn't rule every moment. Life is still good  ....but at times in a different way. Problems from the treatments can last a long time and you will need a bit of empathy from time to time from others who know how you feel. If you have an appendix out.....it is gone. If cancer is taken away. ....I don't believe the shadow it made ever truly goes but as with any shadow, you can step out into the sunshine and live as much as possible on the brighter side..........

Take care. Keep away from the Covid.

Cyber hugs. Love Karen

Dear Karen

Just wanted to tell you how moved l was with your post. It sums up everything so many of us feel on a daily basis. 
Big thank you and good luck with the mammogram. I know my fourth is on its way in January.

Joan xxx

Dear Lacomtekp,

You sum it up so well - I particularly like your analogy of a shadow that you can step out of into the sunshine.Although the cancer is removed it does change the way you look at life afterwards and the worry raises it's head at times of stress I find. I will keep my fingers crossed  that your mammogram goes well. Sending hugs xx Kwissy

Thank you

Karen/@Lacomtekp, you put this over so well, thank you!

I’m now 2 1/2 years post Mx with implant and ‘just’ hormone busting drugs after my cancer diagnosis. I’m not sure I’ve moved on, because I’ve changed, I think this will still always be a part of my life, even though I got away without a big load of treatment. I suspect that what is often said is true, it changes your perspective on life, however you deal with it, your life will never be quite the same. You will always see colours that bit more brightly, emotions will be felt just a bit deeper, each day will be greeted with a bit more joy (in spite of the aches!). 
I’m trying to see that joy of being in remission a bit happier, I know others in my family might not always know; (Our daughter will totally understand and be with me, she had so many years of being told she wouldn’t survive, bless her, it’s in my profile) but yes, I’m aware it might return, but try to turn that concern around to be the deeper enjoyment of what I actually have. 
Sending you big understanding hugs xxx

Hi all, thanks for this thread , all that has been said strikes so many chords with me. Beautifully put by Lacomtekp  and more wise words from moomy. I’m 2 years post diagnosis, still on hormone blockers. I’m generally happy and upbeat and am enjoying an earlier retirement than planned as I just couldn’t cope with work in the end. Never managed to go back full time or even consecutive days. I love walking so do lots of it and I’m very grateful that I can. But completely agree that ‘moving on’ just doesn’t apply to me. I’ve adjusted and adapted to a different me and a different life. And not one that I’d have chosen! I value this site hugely as it’s the safe place where everyone gets it. I’m mainly on the Walking back to Happiness thread as walking has been my sanity saver! Love to all, HFxx