Feeling ugly

Hi Julus,

I'm sure he loves you for who you are and not what you look like,I know my wonderful husband does.

Why don't you get up early and take him breakfast and get in with him for a snuggle,it's going to be duvet day weather anyway?Have you got a nice camisole you can wear if you don't feel confident enough?

I am in the same hair situation,but have grown the whiskers back first,just what I didn't want,but am really enjoying nasal hair again!

I am also on letrozole but have exercised every day,I think that stops any aches.

Your husband is probably wanting closeness just as much,but wanting you to take the lead.

  Go for it girl

       Yviex

Hello ,

Welcome to the group that none of us wanted to join.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, however, I can understand where you are coming from with this, as many of the Fruit Loops on here will..... we are similar with ages and time with hubby.  I felt like this years ago when I put weight on.... hmmmm 'when' - when I put weight on... it's still on and this lockdown has given me an excuse to have treat after treat after treat hahaha.

In all seriousness, you are still at very, very early stage in your journey.  I had lumpectomy and never mind hubby looking at me, I didn't want to look at me. It does really get to you mentally and slowly you will get used to the new year, scars can fade, just remember 'you are here' you just have some adjusting to do, you will, slowly, you honestly will.

Whilst I had the dressing on I could get dressed in front of the mirror - doing what I have always done 'taking no notice of myself', been able to ignore the dressing and just ignore myself.  Move forward two weeks; dressing is off and I can't look at the area, I can't look in the mirror, and so I carry on in the same way I have for years 'not looking at me... and now, not looking at 'it'.

Roll forward a few months pass, I can then look and I'm 'this is a reminder, every day of 'that' - so I go back to not looking and slowly with time I begin to heal inside and look 'from time to time' each time getting use to what I see, my scar starts to disappear and my body starts to fill in areas where I had 'it' removed, I hadn't noticed as I hadn't been looking.

Hubby on the other hand never asks to look bless him, I think in various ways he doesn't want to touch, thinking it would hurt me, it doesn't hurt and I don't think he asks about it as he doesn't want to bring it to my mind - I have said on other posts he is very much 'you have had 'it' out, its gone now' .... we all know we don't think like this, but, its his way of getting thought it.  I believe he is grateful we have got through this and we are together.

Please try to remember your husband loves you 'for you'. He may not know what to say or doesn't want to say anything in fear of bringing it all up for you.

Why not say, you hate sleeping away from him, that you are going to try on and off for a few nights to come back to bed, but, your concerned you might wake him if you need to get up.  You could add jokingly, don't you get thinking I waking you for anything else - unless he has some hugs going you could do with one of them or and you may have to use his legs to warm your feet up, try to be lighthearted about it, you asking for a hug may actually be all he wants at this time and you are looking in too deep.

Listen, you have gone through 3 operations maybe more - not 1!!  Chemo, and now on the letrozole - you won't feel on top of the world at the moment, but you have got rid of the most important thing, you are free of BC - You now need time to heal, both physically and more than you know it 'mentally'.  

You won't always feel like this, you won't and more so, you are slim to start with so you've not that much weight to worry about getting off (if you want to) - at present you will more than likely be comfort eating - my goodness you need to think what you have gone through and what we as a whole world are going thought right now.

Please don't feel ugly..... Please be kind to your inner self, she has gone thought a lot and got you out the other side.  Slowly, little by little, day by day, you will feel better, you can work on building up your stamina, have little walks in the garden, building the walks up 'if you feel ready for it' and if you don't - well don't.  

You have gone thought so much - this is your time to recover, don't add pressure to yourself 'thinking what hubby wants' - and if your mind keeps thinking about this, then say to him, tell how tired you feel and your sorry that at the moment you have not got the energy, or interest in it, it doesn't mean you don't want him or don't love him - you just want to deal with getting yourself feeling right and in a better place both mentally and physically.

You are possibly feeling more guilty about this.  I really think your hubby will of seen what you are going thought and he will just want you to get better and for you to feel better.

Okay, I'm waffling..... Please remember you are not ugly!!!!! What you have gone though may be ugly - but you are certainly are not!!

YOU ARE HERE - BE KIND TO YOURSELF and 'think' what you or your hubby would say to someone else that has gone on your journey, see what you would say to them and you have your answer! xxxx

This is early days. We sleep in seperate beds. That started when I had surgery on my feet and we discovered we sleep so much better apart. However, we take it in turns to make our morning coffee and then  visit each other in bed to drink it. I know you might think that doesn't address the way you feel about how you look, but it is our time for cuddles and conversations we never have when we are up and dressed. It was there that I found the courage to say how badly I was feeling mentally. It is my favourite part of the day. Think back to being 15 intimacy started slowly and with cuddles. Just being in the same bed is opening the door. Can I predict what your husband will say when you tell him how you feel? Hubbies are not mind readers, even though we think they are. He will say " Why didn't you tell me?" I am quite sure he's just as concerned about you but is unsure where to start the conversation. My husband was worried he would hurt me. 

This e mail isn't very clear, I can usually explain myself better. Basically I'm saying start with a cuddle and then you must tell him how you feel.  Coffee or tea in bed on a morning is a great place for both.

Love and hugs.

I just wanted to agree, it’s early days for you both! Start with a morning cuddle ( we too have our morning coffee together) and tell him how you feel, that’s one of the most difficult conversations to start, as Silverberg says he will most likely say ‘why didn’t you say before’? 
we too sleep separately, hubs got restless legs years ago and I ended up getting bruised, plus now with his diabetes he gets up lots in the early hours (even though blood sugar levels are good) 

pluck up courage and just find a quiet moment and tell him, I’m sure you will find it’s a relief for you both that he understands. You’ve been through lots and the innermost you needs to heal too! 
hugs xxx

 you are still traumatised by all that has happened and grieving for your pre cancer 'worry free' life.  You know you life wasn't really worry free but you use rose coloured specs to look back.  

Deep down you know you that if your hubby had battle scars it wouldn't change how you felt about him, over the years you forget how someone looks or has aged it's all about what their eyes or smile say.   

You are angry at your body for letting you down when you've always looked after it but instead remember that your previous good exercise routine has helped you recover from cancer.   

Re sleeping in separate beds are you lonely now ?  When you wake in the night and the bed is empty do you miss knowing someone is there, even if they are asleep with their back to you, so that if you get really scared (yes we all get the night terrors and what if) you can wake them.  You might never actually wake them but it's a comfort to know you can.  Sex-ok you do not feel sexy at the moment and your hubby probably afraid of mentioning, hurting you etc.  but it's ok to share a bed again.  The little chats , the cuddles, the moaning about the dawn chorus spoiling your lie in!   Just tell him his fun is over and you are moving back in to your bed!  Adopt a 'I'm getting on with life' tone.  He will know this is you seeking to get back to normal but will also understand for both of you life has changed.  Deep down you know wonky boobs, belly fat etc are irrelevant it's mental health that's important. Acknowledge you've been knocked for six, remember you got through your treatment but now you need to work on your mental recovery xx

Hi, I've just joined and read this post. I just want to thankyou. I'm having a mastectomy this thursday and I keep weeping about being ugly afterwards.  When you said the disease is ugly but we are not, it helped me.

Thankyou xx

Thank you EVERYONE for your kind words I really do appreciate it 

I’m still in the spare bedroom I’ve almost sort of spoken to hubby about moving back into our bed but haven’t quite got there yet I have told him I feel ugly (But then as I do a lot these days ‍ burst into tears) he’s told me he doesn’t and never ever has or ever will see me as ugly and that he will always see me as beautiful no matter what 

thank you so so much for “listening” to me what would i do without everyone’s support on here it really does help knowing that we’re/we’ve all been through the same thing and we all know how each other feels 

THANK YOU xxx

Hi Julus,

So glad you're nearly there.Small steps,big gains.

      Have a wonderful Sunday.

       Yviex

Hi ,

I’m so glad you told him, I know you then cried but that just serves to show him how deeply you believed that too, and his reassurances speak volumes about how much he loves the real, inner, you! 

you’ll move on positively from here I’m certain! 

Hugs xxx

Hi - if you want to connect then I had a mastectomy 7 weeks ago (I'm 52) and recon wasn't offered due to the Covid.

Best of luck on Thursday - we are beautiful women! X