A year ago today

I was diagnosed in clinic, after a mammogram and ultrasound, one year ago today,

I’ve pinched this from another group and slightly changed it, don’t know who wrote it but it pretty much sums things up, I think it’s genius.

Wow! A year on! Are you going to celebrate?

Erm.

I’m not really sure if I will.

I’ve pondered and wondered

I’ve hummed and I’ve ahh-ed

I’ve searched through my brain

Delved deep and delved hard.

A year has now passed

Time borrowed, I thought

Since the day I was certain

My life would cut short

Since the day that they told me

It’s cancer my love

Since the day that my mind

Went and hid in the rough

Celebrating’s a weird

Thing to consider

Some feel like I should do

No brainer! Don’t dither!

Fireworks, a party

To mark my survival!

This is it, one year on!

A day for revival.

But I can’t. I just can’t.

It’s all so surreal

It’s all been so hard

It’s all still so real

Peace and self worth,

Safe body and mind

Resilience and humour

They’ve been so hard to find

I’m grateful to be here

When many are not

I know they’d have given

Everything to swap

I feel guilt and feel anger

I feel joy but still fear

I grieve for my old me

I grieve my career

I grieve for my body

I grieve for my mind

I grieve for the confidence

That got left behind

I’d be crass and unkind,

To celebrate my luck.

And the fates I’d be tempting?

I’m torn and I’m stuck.

But then a little voice inside me sings....

I’m alive! (although scared)

I’m alive! (Little grin)

I’m alive! (unexpected)

I’m alive! (that’s a win)

And actually I’m happy

But in the gentlest of ways

A smile and a thanks for

The last three hundred + days.

For the chance just to be here

To watch my boys grow

To help and to guide them

As the mum that they know

And so to mark this last year I’ve decided to say this:

Thank you.

Thank you to my doctors.

Thank you to my nurses.

Thank you to my counsellors

Thank you to researchers

Thank you to my family

Thank you to my friends

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Thank you, thanking you,

The end.

PS.

And now I’ll go and eat some cake,

And look up to the sky,

And I’ll gently acknowledge it,

Nod my head and

Cry.