My miserable feelings

Your fears are perfectly natural, Yanyan. You've had this horrid diagnosis, and now you're in limbo, having test after test, and no action. I remember just wanting to get started on treatment. I felt panic most days in that in-between stage, as though time was being wasted whilst the cancer might be spreading. I think most of us go through something very similar.

But all these investigations will enable your team to come up with the best treament plan for you, and you will feel better once you start. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. Vent if you need to. Hang in there.

Hi Yanyan10,

I remember reading your posts a few weeks back and admit I did not reply as what you were saying reminded me so much of how I felt so when I read your post this morning I knew I must respond.

In a nutshell when you hear that diagnosis it’s fear and all you want is it to be a dream but it’s not. All the tests you have to undergo seem to make it all worse and more real and more scary I know. It is the longest few weeks in your life. It will pass and now you are nearly through.

Results day for me was almost a relief because then it was a case of putting trust in the doctors to help you and get on with the treatment. That day I was told what was to happen and when it was to happen and at last I was able to accept and relax that they were in control and everything would turn out ok. I realised it was this unknown I was worried about and once the plan was set you will find you have the strength to deal with it. Once you get started you get to talk to others as well as getting the support from the professionals.

So this week before treatment starts try your best to enjoy things that make you sing. Go out in the fresh air and appreciate all your blessings - your family, your friends, nature etc etc 

Like me you joined this site early and have already received many positive uplifting messages from all the lovely people on here. It has been a great comfort to me and I find it uplifting to read how strong and positive they all are and so it helps me be like that too. It not only gives you emotional support but you get tips and advice to cope with practical things. I mainly keep to the breast cancer October chemotherapy thread as these are the girls going through the same things at the same time. It is a community as in all things in life unless you have experienced something you really don’t understand. The women here do cos we are going or have been through it.

For me it took five weeks from diagnosis to meeting with my oncologist and a plan of action - I remember ! I have to have 6 chemo treatments three weeks apart ( 3 EC and then 3 Doxataxel plus herceptin and perjeta ) and 18 herceptin in all. Then surgery and radiotherapy will follow. Now I am half way through my second EC. I am ok but certainly know my body is being hit with drugs. The way I deal with the changes eg hair loss etc is that I know the treatments are attacking the cancer as well.

So hang on in there and send all good wishes and cyberhugs.

Jojodot

What a lovely message Jojo!! I’m more or less at the same stage as Yanyan on this journey and your message has helped me too. Everyone obviously reacts differently to their diagnosis as I have been the opposite to Yanyan in that I’ve not really panicked about things...yet. I’ve had the odd down day but on the whole have been feeling pretty calm. My BC nurse assures me it will come so I’m ready for it. 

Thanks again for your positive post and Yanyan, Jojo is right, this forum is the place to come to get support from such lovely folks going through the same things we are, they get it!    

Thanks ladies. I’ve just spent the past few weeks in a haze of helplessness, just feeling so awful. I have health anxiety at the best of times and also spend a lot of time worrying about the future, about my daughters, my hubby. I would give my right arm to be positive and upbeat ( I’m like that with everyone.... just not myself) but just can’t find it. Thanks for being there for me and maybe when I have answers I’ll feel better although inside my head I’ve already written myself off.  That’s how bad I am! But I appreciate your reply’s. I’m trying to keep busy and trying to find my way through this x

Please don’t write yourself off, your hubby, your daughters and us are all here for you, helping you to kick this thing in the you know what’s!!! I’m sure once a treatment plan is in place and you get started on this journey you will feel better! Come on tell it to go take a jump!!!! x ( that’s me being polite there!!)

Hi Bramble 22,

Checked your profile - hope you don’t mind.

My - you have had a long wait since diagnosis. As I said I found the waiting hard and I thought I was a long time.!!

You sound so brave and positive . That will stand you in good stead for treatment. I found that once I accepted the situation it’s easier to go with it and much better for your overall health. 

So all the best for everything and hope to hear how you get on.

Jojodot XX

Hey! Reading and remembering what I went through....I am now over 6 months after the end of my active treatment. As many have said the first part of this process is horrid....I was so panicky to the point of nausea, the fear was all consuming, I didn’t know what to do I just seemed to wander around! My advice is to take each minute, each hour, each morning, afternoon and evening as chunks of time. Just get through each one and you will somehow. I did get some medication and it did help but I appreciate it’s not for everyone. I listened to ‘chill out’ music....I read Harry Potter....I walked....and walked....and sat and watched nature - tried to see the tiny things that could make me smile. Hard to believe at the time that it does get better....but it does. The routine of treatment helps and the lovely people you meet along the way help! 

6 months later, I still have meltdowns, I still freak out now and again, I do have a slightly different perception on life....but in a good way! 

Hang in there....it will pass....

one year on I still have the meltdowns and know my mood swings are because of the drugs I am still getting, and not the real 'me'.  Maybe that person won't be back, I don't know.

meantime I try to take each day as it comes with or without an appt for this or that.  Other problems for me have occured because of the treatment so the bigger picture never seems to go away.

HOWEVER!!!!!! I do try to be positive when my brain lets me and its not bad to let emotions overtake me some days either!!

Thinking of you a lot as the unknown is what is the scariest.  Take care and hugs sent over the airwaves 

G xx

Hi yanyan, the feelings you are experiencing at the moment is familiar to a lot of us that have been through this journey. Back in April I was the same as you and like you had anxiety to a certain level before diagnosis, the waiting was horrendous and I really felt as if I was losing my mind, the anxiety got worse, no sleep , I was clearing my house to save my family doing it when I had gone, for example throwing clothes of mine out that I would not wear again, maki g sure everything was in order, even planning my funeral, wasn’t eating properly but when the plans for my treatment was decided I started to think more positive. You will get there, it’s 4 months on since my mastectomy, the letrozole I am prescribed is giving me some side effects such as aching joints, flushed but I can live with them, so things will

improve for you so hold on in there and hopefully you will get your treatment plan soo. And start to feel more positive , all the best for your next appointment    Rita x