Apologies

Welcome back:) xxx

We all missed you and as someone who burst into tears last week at my chemo appointment saying that although my bloods were fine I just had too many other symptoms to want to do it yet. They pulled the curtain, gave me a hug and tissues, and I had it on Monday this week instead. It's an emotional time and chemo is 

We missed you ruthie2. We all feel like that sometimes.From one who had hysterics in the car, thinking I was going to be late for a hosp appt because if a traffic jam, and weeping all the way through the hospital and into the waiting room. That was last week. Better out than in, I aways say! xxx

Welcome back ruthie2 !

There is no right or wrong in this journey, so never feel the need to apologise for the times when you're low and needing to have a rant. You can always share on here - no-one will judge you for it! 

Hope that you're in a better place now  - big hugs to you! 

Hey! Don’t worry we are still here! Rant away friend....and no need to apologise. 

New here so I’ve not met you yet Ruthie, nor have I begun this battle yet but I can empathise (if that’s the right word)with everything you are feeling!!

Talking to others I think everyone will or has felt exactly the same as you!! Anytime you want a rant feel free! I’m hoping when I feel like this, which I undoubtedly will, I can come on and have a hissy fit too. x

Thanks guys, I do appreciate you! 

i do wish could cry!! I feel as if I’m on the edge but can’t quite fall over! I wish something would go wrong so I could let go - apart from not been given enough chemo last week and my cockwomble of a gp telling me to buy an over the counter remedy for oral thrush as he couldn’t prescribe anything, that is!

everything’s fine, I’m fit strong and healthy no real side effects ( compared to others) yes I’ve had the jelly legs, bone pain, heartburn, breathlessness, shoulder blade pain, shivers and high temp of 38 upwards etc but it goes down overnight.  so why the bloody hell do I feel like this! I’ve no need to and it’s annoying me!

wrote this the other week, it just about sums up me at the moment, hope to write more positively soon,

Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I talk to?

Too many I’s, that’s the first thing I see.

No I in team, no one likes you if you talk about ‘me’

if you don’t let people talk about themselves.

There it is.

People like to talk about themselves.

Them, them, them not me, them them them. No I no me.

When I talk no one listens or takes me seriously

Their personal quota of attention for me used up, sympathy levels low, empathy tank empty.

So, where do I go when I need to talk?

Social media? Forums? Support groups? Friends? Family?

Not for me.

I don’t want the world knowing my private thoughts, I don’t want them cast adrift to fend for themselves.

Friends, are just people I know, who know me.

But they don’t.

I know more about them than they do of me.

And that’s fine

Usually.

Family have fled from dealing with me and my worries, they need me to be normal, the old normal.

they haven’t a clue, they can’t relate. Yet full of useless anecdotal advice, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it!

a hurtful arrow lodged in my brain.

I’m needed to be strong and there for them. It’s my job and I’m failing - badly.

But where do I go, who do I talk to, what do I do?

When I need to?

I pick myself up and give my self a severe talking to.

I don’t deserve friends feeling like this, no one likes a misery guts.

I have to be happy and jolly, a positive polly,

I’m ok, just fine. Fine ok  fine

Even if I’m not.

I hate looking in the mirror, it’s not me I see. I hate my hair, my thin mangy tabby cat hair.

I hate being told oh but it suits you, you should keep it like that. Like I had a say.

Would you???

I hate my round spherical steroid face with its missing eyebrows and no eye lashes.

I hate my body with its many scars, inside and out.

I hate that I’m fat and unable to do anything about it.

I hate feeling like this, empty, emotionless.

I hate being unable to cry, why?

Where do I go, what do I do, who do I talk to?

No where, nothing, no one.

Nothing, no one, no where,

No one, no where, nothing.

Sorry, got it all out now! No more pity party from me 

Ruthie 2.......I read every word. You are special here.....no apologies this time. You are allowed to feel awful.....Hopefully expressing how you feel has helped your morale a little. There are no rights and wrongs here. Don't  compare your reactions to anyone else. There is no ' getting off lightly' or ' worse than anyone else. You are YOU. You are fighting this illness in a way only your body can do it for you. Here you can have a lousy day....we've all been there and despite being four years down the line....will go there again.

So Ruthie write what you want....when you want. Don't worry about causing offence or the need to apologise. Don't  feel guilty. Here there will always be someone who will listen ( well, you know what I mean.....) empathise and offer a hug. 

Cyber hugs Ruthie. Take of yourself this afternoon. 

Love Karen

Hi ruthie2

So pleased you bashed that out and got it 'out there' and yet all these strangers are now reading it.... Why ?

Because - Stangers are only friends you haven't met yet.

Group Hugs Ruthie, G n' J

Hi again Ruthie. From what you've just written it sounds like you may be depressed as a result  of everything that you've been through. Could you fast-track some counselling through a Macmillian nurse or does the hospital have a psychiatrist who could fit you in quickly to start helping you?

When I was diagnosed I'd been that strong person for many years too. My mum had dementia so I fought to get her to London from Scotland so that I could support her (my daughters were 3 and 6 at the time). I could have 15 phone calls a day from her on bad days, but about five years ago she needed to go into a home, and I then felt guilt instead of exhaustion. Guilt about the home having no garden or the best food, guilt I didn't see her enough, guilt I saw her too much and neglected my daughters. Her friend in the home died unknown to me, and she stopped eating shortly after, starving herself to death basically. Our borough (Haringey,) has no dieticians due to cuts so they can only request them when BMI is below 18. She started at BMI 25, so they never came. Shortly before she died my half sister died of breast cancer. A year later my aunt developed lung cancer, which turned out to be breast cancer in the lungs. My daughter developed mental health problems due to questioning her sexuality, but also by all the sickness and death. Then I had my diagnosis where I couldn't be that person anymore, and worse, I was terrified about the effect on my youngest. I remember going into the Macmillan kiosk at the hospital and sobbing as I told them this, before I even saw my team for the first time. The Macmillian woman emailed my consultants that day, so even before I met them they knew this in team meeting, and within a couple of weeks I saw the hospital psychologist. I'd never wanted to see anyone like that before, but it was such a help! She listened, asked questions based on the conversation and we chatted about anything I wanted. At the end she'd summarise and maybe set a goal or two, which she'd ask about at the next appointment. I told her I was fine after the first chemo had happened, so would be OK for a while at least but would email or text her if I needed her again, though she stll pops in for a quick chat when I'm having chemo.

When I was waiting for my staging scan results I became very anxious...really anxious....and bought some strongish CBD oil after advice from one of the people who where involved in changing the law and have a shop in London. It took a few days, but that did help too, because when I missed a day or two I felt the difference.

Sometimes we need to really just reassess everything, but I believe we can grow from it too.

Ruthie, I don’t know you as I’m new here but I can relate to everything you’re saying. I’m at the very beginning of my journey and have spent 3.5 weeks living in an uncertain hell. I had my second lot of biopsies yesterday and later today a CT scan. My anxiety has been through the roof. Most of the people here have heard me just having meltdown after meltdown. And I’ve not even got a treatment plan in place .... I don’t even know what type of Bc I have yet. But already I don’t want to piss people off with my doom and gloom. I find myself acting perfectly normal whereas inside I’m a complete mess. I know at the moment everyone is being supportive and great but also know that after a while it will be wearing thin. People will cross the street and the calls will be less. But that’s humanity. What you do have is other people that know, that can help and there will be people in your life who will stay for the long run. As I would say ‘there’s nowt queer as folk’. Use everyone here to vent, .... there will always be folk here who understand, there will always be specialised nurses who are willing to talk, and if need be get some specialist help .... a counsellor or a doc for some meds to help you through. I don’t know what else I can say really as I’d be stating the obvious, but there will always be someone there for you, even if you don’t know them. Someone who understands.

Di x