Will I recognise myself again?

I'm a new version of me which is going to be better, kinder, more generous, more adventurous ... not yet, but I'm working at it.

Carolyn

xxxx

I'm still going through treatment, but I did feel like 'me' until starting chemo.  First was the diagnosis and mastectomy (scary,  but post op felt pretty much me with a boob missing. ). I came for my results to be told that it was in one node (which I suspected) and would need staging scans before moving forward. This was terrifying and involved large doses of radiation from the bone and CT scans.  It was the worst time of my life,  where I suffered for the first time from anxiety (but i was still me). I was so happy to have my next surgery to remove the remaining nodes, that I was chatting and joking with the anethnetists so long were heard laughter from theatre.  The following week my surgeon told me that it was all clear and I was so happy........

........ then came the chemo dilemma. 

I worked through that and the fear that it would harm me but didn't have the confidence to say no and then worry it might have spread. It added 4% to my 10 year survival ....So I had the first EC, and whilst ill the first week did feel 'normal' for the rest. The first turning point was the PICC line insertion, which I understand saves my veins (which says says something in itself) but felt to me like mutilation, something oddly that the surgery didn't. My hair started falling out in handfuls, and my skin wrinkled.  Onwards to second cycle, which was much the same apart from the palpitations and chest pains for days.  But by the end of cycle two there was a change in my attitude.  I'd lost a 'spark'. Chemo brain? Maybe. I don't know  it's hard to tell when your body has been assaulted by drugs, radiation, anxiety and surgery for over four months non-stop, and with potentially months to go still of active treatment. I feel I'll triy to continue as best I can. My oncologist tells me I'm  doing and looking really well, but there's an inertia.  I usually clear my head during my summer holiday but couldn't go due to chemo and stayed home alone.   I couldn't sit in the sun (photosensitive), couldn't swim (infection), couldn't drink alcohol (body suffering enough).I think that I missed that. 

Maybe for me this will pass like the chemo, when I return to work and normal family life.  Hopefully I've not damaged my heart or nerves or blood. Hopefully the letrozole won't make me ill.  I asked for delayed reconstruction so after a few months back to normal I have to decide on that,  and it will mean a long recovery as I would choose DIEP  if I delay it further and ask to have it the following year (to have a summer I  can enjoy) will the NHS still consider it important and try to delay me further? I hope not. 

And then I think how lucky I am to have a dedicated team trying to cure me,  how I don't have to worry about paying for it (unlike many American women who don't have any or good insurance) and how I have a loving family and great friends and colleagues.

When I was looking up my surgeon I found something he'd written in the BMJ, which I thought showed his understanding of the effect it can have (which ironically I couldn't yet relate to.....

'Most importantly, a woman who does not die from breast cancer does not mean she does not strive with it; breast cancer remains a very hard and consuming personal,  psychological, familial and social adventure for millions of women worldwide'

Yup.

It's so good that we have places likr this forum to share and support each other in the journey though;)

Carolyn28 I don’t want to hijack this conversation but that quotation is so powerful. Are you able to link to the article, or DM me your surgeon’s name? Thanks!

hi    it's not my quote it's from   Londonmumof2

Carolyn

xxx

Hi I've requested to add you as a friend. Once you accept the request I can DM you. x

Thanks for this post it’s helped me realise I’m not the only one feeling like this ... you have put into words exactly how I’m feeling .... I am one year on from my operation and my first chemo ... I’m back at work where I know I am thought highly of but I don’t feel like the old me any more, I feel like everyone thinks I am as I look well and try and act like I did before ... but I get really tired , I suffer from imposter syndrome where I feel all my work colleagues will find out that I can’t do my job as well anymore... even though I have amazing support both at home and at work I just can’t get over the fact that I don’t feel like me anymore 

I still laugh, joke and try and feel positive but the little devil on my shoulder raises its head more than I would like 

anyway in a nutshell , thanks for your post it has helped me to realise it’s normal to feel like this and that I reckon all will be well it might just take us some time xxx

Galligirl

Even now I wait but then I think why am I waiting?

Everything that has happened to me ; marriage, children, house moves, job changes, deaths of loved ones have all changed the road I have travelled. Yes they have in a way defined me but not totally.

Now Awaiting my 2nd mammogram from that fateful one ... I’d say embrace all the change and celebrate the woman you are today. Stop beating her up. She did a damn good job to get to today .

Sustaining hugs

Leolady56 

An interesting concept.

I guess we are who we are. I’m certainly different from who I was in younger years, and substantially different at that. 

I differed too from the proud and happy Mum after our lass got diagnosed with lymphoma, and I guess got even more aware of mortality when her cancer proved really hard to treat. Perhaps I got more patient? I’m not sure. But certainly thankful when at last she got into remission; but really scared through her second bone marrow transplant. I’m so proud that in spite of the problems she still has, she’s trying to live her life so well, and helping her big brother too. 

after my own bc I’m more aware again of mortality but possibly more obstinate that it’s not going to beat me and the aches and pains are not going to define me. Perhaps this morning I feel 120 but in my mind I’m still only perhaps 50 (I’m reality 74) 

i guess my message is that we all get changed by life’s experiences yet in essence in our minds stay the same basic person. 

Hugs xxx

moomy

That was a lovely post

A like was not enough

BTW I’m still 35

Leolady56

Thank you dear LeoLady! That was sweet of you to say it, (and there are times that in my head I’m the same age as you, too!) 

hugs xxx