So...hello to all. I was not expecting to be joining a group like this last week! On Friday I went to the breast clinic for the 1st appointment....still thinking I was probably a fraud! And feeling somewhat nervous about a needle biopsy....how could that not hurt in such a soft sensitive area I thought. (it really didn't!) Now I feel I've joined a club that I did not want to be part of! As we all have.
Well the staff were fantastic (of course) and the consultant was quick to tell me after examination & asking what I thought, that it was indeed a cancer. (Do they normally tell you immediately, before mammogam & ultrasound, or is it because I'm a nurse & have fair medical knowledge?). So then I sit outside again & tell my son. I said he would never have said that if there was an inkling of doubt, because he can't backtrack on something like that. And I look down at my boobs & think mmm....well that's going to be a bit odd....I'm sort of fond of it now! (Assuming the left one would need complete removal).Then I thought well that's one way to lose a bit of weight (haha) cos they're a fair size...well double D, not enormous. Is it only me that thinks such random thoughts?! I tell you what though, it also crossed my mind that maybe only 20 years ago, I would be thinking it was a death sentence, whereas now, I just think 'OK, surgery, treatment, done'. Sadly my Mum died of breast cancer when I was 12...it felt weird that here I was 45 years later having the same diagnosis. I'm glad my Dad's not alive, he would be very sad & worried.
Then I went back in for the mammo & ultrasound & the dreaded biopsy, which was OK. The ultrasound showed it is 'very small' and the lymph glands are not affected'. Wow....I physically felt my mood soar to almost elated. How lucky am I? He showed me this mammo in comparison with my last on the massive screens & there it is...a white blob. The blob of horror haha. (Why can't you do emojis on this?!) Then I see the consultant again, with my son & the Macmillan nurse is already there! And we chat to her too in a separate room. Wow...what service we get. I was thinking it's a shame it's not like that in every department...I have crohns disease and I can assure you it was nothing like that when I was diagnosed, even though I went on to need 3 major abdominal ops & knew little about it before.
So, altho' it's 'very small' it seems the whole thing is going to take over my life somewhat. I went to work yesterday & was walking round thinking 'I'm different from everyone else...I've got cancer'. You sort of have to practice saying the words. And there's the wondering of 'why'? Haven't I had enough, with the crohns. I'm well atm on immunosuppressant drugs....I do hope I don't have to stop them. And I don't get sick pay (except statutary) so I better not be off too long! I've done some googling. Still not sure how this is going to affect me. Can I do radio & go back to work each day? Or am I kidding myself?
Oh well....sorry to go on a bit....just offloading. You don't have to reply, it's just I like to write stuff down....it's out of my head then! Best wishes to you all, whatever stages you're at, whatever you're going through right now. 'In it together' Isn't that a song? Or part of a song. I had been playing Coldplay...'the Scientist' in the car on the way there & my son started humming it & said 'is this your cancer song?' I love that song... have you got a cancer song? The day after I was referred under the 2 week rule, I went to work & they were playing Bob Marley 'Please don't worry 'bout a thing..cos every little thing's gonna be alright'. My bruv changed it to 'Sis don't worry....
I now think I shouldn't post this cos it's far too long....like I say, it doesn't matter if you can't read it all, I'm just using the space as it's been offered to me to offload. Love to you all..
